|
I just wanted a family
This may be a long post so I apologize in advance.
All I have ever wanted my entire life is to get married and have kids. I've always wanted to have what I had when I was younger. I had what I thought was the perfect family until I was 12 and my parents split up and I think I made it my goal then to have that life back someday only then I would be the mother. So basically at the age of 14 I was determined to grow up too fast. I knew what I wanted and I would have tried anything to get it.
At 16 I met a guy who treated me like a queen and right after my 17th birthday he proposed to me. I found out I was pregnant a month after that and we moved in together. At this point I thought life was perfect because everything I wanted was falling into place. When I was 17 weeks pregnant he decided to work out of state with his cousin. He would leave for sometimes 2 weeks before he would come back home. I was at the end of my junior year of high school and I felt like he had abandoned me. Now I see its because he was older and mature enough to know he needed this job to support a family but I didn't see it that way then. I was stressed and depressed all the time. Then I had a miscarriage which completely destroyed me and the relationship. It ended between us as I started my senior year of high school.
After living with another boyfriend and being engaged again only to have it all crumble around me I gave up. I started college not focusing on the family anymore. I dated around but nothing was serious and I put my future plans on the backburner.
Then I found out I was pregnant. I was terrified because even though I knew who the father was I knew he wouldn't want this baby. I had screwed up and now I was going to be a single mother. I didn't know whether to be excited or not. I mean I had always wanted a baby...but only with someone that I was going to be with that was going to help raise it with me.
I went into another depression and one of my friends took me to a support group with her for single parents. It took place in a church where they also held other support groups. This is where I met James who was there for an AA meeting. I was 19 at the time and he was 25 and we clicked immediately. We talked every day for the first couple of months and became really good friends. When I was put on bed rest from complications in my pregnancy I panicked because I didn't know how I was going to pay my bills and keep my apartment and he offered to come stay with me and pay my bills. His lease was up so he moved in to my extra bedroom at first and then it kind of just happened from there. We fell in love and he held my had as I gave birth to my daughter in 2009. We got married in 2011 right before her second birthday. We had just bought our first home together and he had just started a new job making more money that let me be a stay at home mom.
Life was beyond perfect for me and I had everything I had ever wanted until my baby girl got sick. Im not going to relive the details right now but we lost her in 2012 only 3 days before her 3rd birthday. Since then everything in my life has spiraled out of control. 2 months ago made 3 years since shes been gone and since then he was laid off from work, we lost our house, we had to file bankruptcy to pay off all the hospital bills and credit cards we had used staying in hotels near the out of state hospital where she was kept for 4 months. I have pushed my husband away and a year ago I found out he had slept with someone else while we had separated for a month during all of this and it has destroyed my trust in him.
We now live in a crappy apartment working crappy jobs and we argue constantly. We tried to have a baby and after a year of trying I was told I couldn't have anymore kids. How did things go from being absolutely perfect to this. I don't know what to do anymore. Everything I wanted my entire life was given to me and then ripped away. Now at 25 years old im being told ill never be a mother again. I'll never have the things I wanted in life. I don't even have the good strong marriage that I once had.
Any support or advice is appreciated.
|
