I'm getting a bit frustrated with some people in my life. I know that when you're in the middle of being really ill you can't see a way out and you need all the support you can get. & I totally want to be there for my friends. But it just feels like they won't make any steps towards recovery and think that everyone else has to do it for them and, correct me if I'm wrong, but it just doesn't work like that. I'm sure that people around me have been equally frustrated with me in the past so I'm not one to talk. I just don't know what else I can do. I'm there for them constantly, I'm trying to help them rationanlise things and talk to them but I'm only one person. I can only do so much when I've got my own stuff going on. Part of me wants to walk away altogether but I can't do that to them. But I feel like I've reached my limit.
I hope I don't sound like a bitch. It's just painful watching people suffer and even worse when I know they could be doing so much better. I don't know what else I can do.
Maybe take a break, limit your support to only those that really need your support, and only then if it's essential. This may seem cold-hearted, but you have to look after yourself too (hah I'm talking? This is the one thing I can't seem to be able to do! As I said, brilliant at giving others advice, but absolutely crap at taking it/applying my own advice to myself)
I was talking to my psychologist about this in my session. My dad's in a bad place mentally, and telling me a lot of worrying things. I've tried to be there for him, spent lots of time giving advice and contact details of services that can help and he's ignored it all.
My psychologist explained that you cannot force someone to be well, like when I was really ill and sectioned. My parents desperately wanted me to be better but literally NOTHING would make me better until I decided to recover.
It's like that with my dad, and your friends. You can give them all the support in the world but you cannot make them get better unless they choose to make that step.
My psychologist told me that my dad's an adult who is capable of asking for help. I've given him advice and she said I need to step back otherwise I'm at risk of relapsing myself. I can love him and still back off from the situation.
I like the idea of putting boundaries into place. Maybe you could suggest that you can go with them to an appointment if they are finding it really hard, but that they should be ringing their care team and not you if they are in crisis and so on.
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
My old team very much wanted me to look after myself over helping other people. I can hear them saying it! It's just draining when all your friends are having a hard time. I don't know how to say to them in struggling with it without sounding rude or like I don't want them to be able to talk to me. I think that her right that they are adults and can ask for help from other people if they need to. Almost all of them have professional support in place so I shouldn't feel like I'm letting them down? I dunno, feel like a bitch for needing space from them.
I'm in exactly the same boat as you, I too feel guilty when I'm not providing support to those who need it. I try my best but I'm slowly learning my limits, which are lower than I wanted them to be but still quite high.
Perhaps talk to them and try to make the support two way rather than just providing the support
Yeah you're absolutely not letting them down and and making sure you're okay first (which you absolutely need to do) is a great step for your recovery. How about if you say something like "I'm actually struggling myself right now so I'm not in the best place to help you. Maybe you could try talking to your care team about this?.
Just out of interest are there any reasons they won't/can't talk to their care teams?
You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you wish to make.
Do you think it's possible to create internal boundaries (like maybe getting less emotionally involved) without actually changing your behaviour or the relationship? Because that way everyone wins. Just bouncing ideas about! I'll try and talk to them though.
Edit: thanks moonlight. I think they do talk to the professionals they just feel comfortable talking to me more, if that makes sense. I'll ask them. I don't really have much of a care team anymore but I see my cpn in a couple of weeks, I'll talk to him about it then.
I don't think you can be less emotionally involved without changing your behaviour.
For boundaries to work, sometimes they need to be a bit physical. You have difficulties too and if you don't look after yourself how can you help others?
You have to put yourself first in some situations and this sounds like one of them. It's fine to take a step back, they have other support networks like you say so you're not walking away when they have nothing or no one.
I've had friends where I feel like they don't help themselves and in the end I had to take a step back because I don't want to be involved in the drama that is self created and unnecessary. So I took a step back. Others peoples issues don't have to become her issues.
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I think that might be quite difficult. If you're the sort of person who always is going to care I don't think you'll be able to turn that off! Setting actual boundaries might be the only thing that will help you avoid hearing stuff.
You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you wish to make.
I agree with you both, that you need to look after yourself, perhaps if it makes you guilty, then don't actively 'put yourself first', just try to distance yourself a little
Quote:
Originally Posted by Auror.
It could also be on some level they are not properly engaging with their team because they see you as an alternative. You can help as a friend but you're not a professional, not should they treat you as one.
In my experience, sometimes it requires more than a relatively cold professional team's assistance, rather the personal approach that professionals cannot provide due to all their ethical boundaries etc. However, that can't happen at the expense of you, you need to look after yourself too
My CPN is lovely, she's hugged me before and last time we went to the beach and had ice cream. We went for a drive in her new car she she was showing off what it could do.
But that's kind of off topic.
Katie, I don't think it's as simple as just changing your emotional response and keeping the action/behaviour the same! If changing emotional responses were that easy then many of us wouldn't need therapy. You can't change an emotional response without changing your behaviour.
I hope you find a way to step back and look after yourself.
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
