I feel so hopeless; things will never get better.
I'm on a waiting list which is up to a year to see a psychologist, but even when I do get there- how can they change the way I've thought for most of my life? How can they undo the hate? Surely I'd be able to give myself therapy if there was a way of changing?
I've been assessed by a psychiatrist and he decided therapy is what I need. But what now? What if that doesn't work? What do I do for the year I have to wait?
I can't cope.
I don't know what to do or where to turn. I'm on my way into work and I'm dreading it. How can I help anyone else when I can't even help myself?!
I'm awful at my job, I must be.
I spend most Sunday's crying because I have to face another week at work. I shouldn't feel like that, that's so selfish of me. People need my help. People are iller than me.
I can't have any more time off sick- I've already had a week off for when I had my operation and a day off a few weeks ago after I was taken to a&e for collapsing due to dehydration. My colleagues already say 'you're always ill!', so I definitely can't take any more time off for a good few months.
My boss already suspects that something isn't right with me, she's making hints.
What can my GP do? They didn't know before so they referred me to the psychiatrist....
What do I do? I don't know how to cope anymore.
We're all architects of our own private hell
No-one can hurt us like we hurt ourselves...
They can help you discover why you started to hate yourself and that can be the start to undoing it. They can see the best in you when you can't see it yourself. You can't be your own therapist if you hate yourself! They won't hate you and that's a much better start :)
I'm assuming you also work in the helping professions? So what would you say to someone who was struggling. Maybe something like this - your view of the future right now is clouded by how low you feel. It WILL get better. I know that's easy for me to say but try to keep a little part of you free for believing that.
You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you wish to make.
Lots of questions! I'll do my best to address them all.
First off, therapy. Even though you work in mental health and are probably quite aware of therapeutic skills, it is very hard for anyone to be their own therapists. You'll be dealing with emotions such as anxiety, depression and shame. A lot of the recovery is in being able to share such intense and private feelings. Your therapist will have a different, less critical perspective and know which specific therapy skills/homework are appropriate for you to work on.
In terms of the waiting list, I can understand your anxiety. I wonder if there are any ways of plugging the gap between now and seeing the psychologist. For example, your GP practice or work may be able to offer counselling which would give you a chance to practice talking. It wouldn't be therapy but knowing support is there might be a bit of a lifeline. Other things you could try are using CBT self-help books (the Overcoming series is best). Maybe you could work on those, and use your GP as someone to touch base with about how you're getting on. I think it's important that you see somebody at regular intervals. Do you know if you'll be getting a CPN as a care co-ordinator or anything?
It might also help to be transparent with your manager. It sounds like she's concerned and has her suspicions. Talking at work might make it feel more of a supportive place than a stressful place. I'm open with my mental health problems at work and it makes it so much easier.
Please don't feel hopeless. You will get the help you deserve and there is a way out of this. I used to have BDD as a diagnosis and I have come so far, mainly with the help of CBT techniques. It is not a life sentence.
Epicene- you're right. It is helpful to be reminded that my perspective is negative and critical, that's why I need a therapist who can take a non judgemental stance.
I don't think I'm getting a CPN. After the assessment the psychiatrist just said 'should I discharge you back to GP or would you like a follow up with me?', so I opted for a follow up.
I sometimes think that people don't take me that seriously. Because I can still function- I can still work and maintain a relationship, then I surely can't be THAT depressed.... I can't possibly be thinking of ending my life if I can get up and go to work!
I've done a lot of CBT stuff with myself but it's near impossible because I'm so certain my thoughts are true, I just can't challenge them. Also my mood is so low I just want to sleep, I have no motivation.
With regards to my manager, she's suspicious in a non-supportive way. She's said things like 'if someone's struggling with their mental health then here really isn't a good place to work, they should probably get a job elsewhere'. I think she's hinting to me. I don't know. Either way, I work in a very judgemental place.
We're all architects of our own private hell
No-one can hurt us like we hurt ourselves...
That's rubbish about your workplace. What an awful thing for your manager to say! I can understand why you wouldn't necessarily want to disclose anything. Could you maybe ask for a change in your workload or something else concrete that would help you cope at work better without you having to refer to your mental health?
It's good you're getting a follow up with your psychiatrist but it does sound like you need more support than they have offered you. I can relate to appearing high-functioning; when I was first referred to my local CMHT I was perceived similarly and I really had to describe just how at risk I was feeling in order to get more support. At your next appointment maybe you could tell the psych how you are thinking of ending your life and struggling in different areas of your life (despite outward appearance).
It sounds like maybe right now your priority is coping safely with low mood. Are you able to do any kind of self-care things, even if it's just making sure you relax and have time for yourself outside of work? You said you're in a relationship; how much does your partner know about what you're going through at the moment?
*hugs* I get you so completely about being seen as functional even though you feel so close to the edge. Is there any way you can get to see a counsellor anywhere. Even if you do go through work?
It really, really is a hard job being a carer and they can't judge you for having your own issues when you do all that you have to do at work
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
Luckily my caseload is fine at the moment. I think what's making it harder at work is the focus on food, and team dynamics (bitching and cliques). Plus the fact that I just generally struggle to get up and get into work, I just want to lay in bed all day. As soon as I get in from work I literally undress and get straight into bed.
I have considered going to occupational health but when I went for an assessment before I started my job they said they have a counselling service which provides support for work-related stress, so I don't know how relevant it'd be. And also I generally don't really need to talk about my problems, I need help to change myself and my situation.
My partner knows everything but obviously never having suffered from ill MH he can't understand exactly what I'm going through but I guess he does try.
When I was assessed I was very honest with the psychiatrist and even told him that every time I am at a train station and hear that a fast train is coming past and won't be stopping I have strong urges to jump. He's sent me a copy of his report and he noted this, however at the end put 'risk to self: low'. I really think because I'm 'high functioning' professionals think- nah she's fine!
In the follow up appointment I will of course be honest again but I just think no one takes any notice and I'll just be discharged back to my GP.
I feel like I'm just headed for a massive breakdown.
We're all architects of our own private hell
No-one can hurt us like we hurt ourselves...
It's quite possible to put at least a little of whats going on for you down to work related stress lovely- you sound a little burnt out to say the least and you should be entitled to support for it. Not all of my problems are work related but generally I can talk out the work related ones with my boss or colleagues. If you don't feel you fit in that means you have far less support
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
Thanks Alanna. I think you're right, I am feeling a little burned out.
I just can't cope anymore. I'm just going to continue to feel worse the older I get. I need to end my life this year.
We're all architects of our own private hell
No-one can hurt us like we hurt ourselves...
HUgs.. ive not read all the comments.
Just because you've thought this way for so long doesnt mean that it cant change... we have neural-plasticity which essentially means that new neural path ways can be made, new ways of thinking can be created. And yes its hard, bloody hard but it is possible. Honestly, it does work. i have seen it in myself... i thought i was defective-that i was hopeless and doomed to stay the way i was forever..... fast forward a year or so and some of the ingrained thinking and beliefs have shifted.
Even now- as you wait for the psycho-thearpists you can do some of the work yourself... you can examin your own thinking- compare it to others if you have to and find what your really solid immovable thoughts are and begin to challenge them- its called CBT. there's an entire workbook dedicated to it and you can do it on your own :).. also theres a whole website where you can print worksheets to help yourself... its http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/freedownloads2.htm .
workbook can be found on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Cognitive-Beha.../dp/1608823806 THERE IS HOPE, YOU CAN CHANGE, DON'T GIVE UP <3
The BRAVEST thing
I ever did was CONTINUING MY LIFE when I wanted to die.
I'm sorry you're struggling so much at the moment. I can definitely understand appearing high functioning, meaning your support is limited. It is important to keep being honest with them and explain how bad you are feeling at the moment. Perhaps you can even bring up that you feel because you are high functioning you caren't receiving the support you need. It also might help to perhaps bring someone (your partner) with you next time, he can advocate for you and maybe give some light from an outsiders perspective.
Would you be able to take up the counselling at work at all? As others have said, your work does sound quite stressful and I can imagine it would only be adding to your difficulties. Even if you don't find talking particularly helpful, working through things with someone and having the support there is helpful while you wait for therapies.
Alternatively have you looked into charities? Or if you can afford it, a private psychologist? (I realise most can't afford these, but some charities are amazing).
You can recover from this, I know how hopeless it seems but it won't always be this way. Take care.
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said "I just don't care"?
Thanks for the replies; you guys are so lovely and I really don't deserve it!
I think I might call occupational health this week and ask about any kind of therapy/counselling I can get, though it'll be tough to go there because I work 9-5 which is the hours they're open. I don't want my boss to know anything- she really doesn't like me and already thinks I'm finding my job difficult.
I haven't looked into charities, I guess I just assumed they'd be very stretched and don't want to drain those resources that others may need more than me.
I looked into private a while ago, but unfortunately can't afford it.
I don't know whether to call the psychiatrist and ask for an earlier appointment. I just don't know how I'll attend an appointment within working hours...
Argh. This is all so messed up.
We're all architects of our own private hell
No-one can hurt us like we hurt ourselves...
I really can't do this. I feel so isolated and alone. I dread going to work, I dread any kind of social interaction with people who don't know me well because putting on this fake smile is so tiring.
I can't bare to look at my face or my body. It's getting older and uglier and I can't control it. I need surgery or I need to die.
Last edited by ParanormalChickenGeek : 21-05-2015 at 05:34 PM.
We're all architects of our own private hell
No-one can hurt us like we hurt ourselves...
I have no time to call them, I never get a break during work and I work 9-5 Monday to Friday, that's the only time they're open.
This is all so hopeless.
Plus no one will want to help me until I'm already dead. I don't look like I have a problem so no one believes it.
We're all architects of our own private hell
No-one can hurt us like we hurt ourselves...
*hugs* I get you lovely- I really do, but you have a RIGHT with your work to get support with work-related stress and perhaps that could help to ease some of the other feelings you're struggling with <3. If you don't have time they have to give you time. Please ask. It can get better
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
I'm going to ring the psychiatrist on Tuesday cos I have a day off then, and see if my appointment can be possibly brought forward. But even if he sees me before end of June, I don't know what I can say that I haven't already said, apart from saying that I'm getting worse!
My boyfriend thinks I've been more depressed since going on the modified release venlafaxine as opposed to the immediate release I was on before. I don't see how it could make that much difference though- it's exactly the same ingredient at the end of the day.
We're all architects of our own private hell
No-one can hurt us like we hurt ourselves...
I haven't looked into charities, I guess I just assumed they'd be very stretched and don't want to drain those resources that others may need more than me.
those charities are for everyone who is struggling with mental health ; that includes you. Sometimes they probably like helping someone who is already functioning to keep functioning.
Mind are good. Samaritans are good to talk to. Sane.
Have you been prescribed anti depressants at all? they might help, you could ask your GP they generally prescribe them. (sorry if you wrote you already take them)
