Zero chance of any chance of happiness

[My mother's son]

Hi to all,

I introduced myself and don't know the rules but I won't be repeating that here, I'll just dive right in...

If I don't change something or react now I will never have any sort of happiness.

That is is. I have to react and react now while I am still relatively young (34).

I realized this when my therapist asked me to remember the last moment of genuine happiness I had in my life.

Blank. No thoughts came to mind. Is that scary or what?

Not scary because of life circumstances. Ok, I may have not been dealt the best hand of cards but I made it work and made something for myself. I have a small internet company that gives to the freedom that I always thought was my goal, not having bosses and as little things that "have to be done" as possible...

I did achieve that freedom by leaving my 9-5 and starting this internet thing. Money was always a huge deal for me just because of this freedom and my inability to settle.

But in the meantime, I lost my mother which was my anchor (never met my father) and lost the girl I thought was the love of my life. Not only did I loose her but in the process I developed an unhealthy pathological obsession that lasts for years now.

I am smart enough to know it's not love, but it's there and for me, it's real.

Never loved again after that, had a lot of girls and spent a lot of those years in and on and off mode with another girl that I do love but more as a person than anything else.

In my introduction I mentioned a crossroad, well here are the two general options:

1. Pursuing the life I envisioned, one of hedonism as the only place to escape from the depression and following that unsettling urge for freedom while having the risk of becoming increasingly lonely and I am nowhere rich enough to live that life of self-indulgence...not yet, at least...
2. Settle for the girl that's been there for me for years and that I share a strong bond with and move down that road of "normality"...

P.S. Potency problems are not helping with the choice no.1


If I am being completely honest, the second option is there mostly because of the plethora of fears and mental problems. I am thinking about going down that road a lot these days and thinking if it's fair to her and even fair to me (not my fearful self, but my higher self).


The choice would be easy if it didn't seem to me that my "higher-self" is selfish and too lost in dreams to really live.



But something has to change as I am drowning in depression and melancholy for decades.


Like always when I talk about my feelings, I am doubtful that I managed to paint 20% of the chaos that's going on in my head, but let's ease you guys in into this ridiculous mind of mine...

[keep_it_together]

Hi there,

First let me reassure you, you're not alone in feelings like this. When I first told the doctor about depression I couldn't recall a time when I'd been happy before.

With the right meds you can find relief though from these feelings. It's taken a while to get to what I needed meds wise but the right combination is out there, you just need to work with your doctor to find it. Once you've found the right meds you can start to make changes in your life until you can start feeling content. It probably sounds like a lot of work and maybe it seems like an unbearable long road to recovery, but the right meds can make a difference sooner rather than later.

You may be feeling like those relationship choices are the only ones that you have, but if you're feel better in yourself you'd probably be more open to embracing the world of options out there and looking for the right one for you. Maybe you feel that those two options are all that you have due to low self esteem caused by depression.

You are in the enviable position of not being subject to the whims of a boss and from where I sit with a lot of professional anxiety issues that does sound like a dream come true. Maybe with the right meds you can find contentment and be comfortable being in your own company until the right one comes along.

[My mother's son]

Thank you for the hugs and the kind words of support.

I am generally not a happy person, but one that's always reflecting, lives more on the inside and, most of the time, that feels like just being sad all the time. Sad with intermissions of true depression. These feelings are so strong and deeply rooted that I'm fairly certain that there's a genetic element to them.

I am in this battle all day about 350 days of the year.

A few years ago I took Wellbutrin for my depression and it helped but a lot has happened since then. By "a lot" I mean loosing two of the most important people in my life, my mother and my fiancee from the time (the girl I mentioned), my job, pretty much everything...all within a window of a few months.

In the last few months my therapist has tried Efectin on me, which was terrible and made me sleep through days at a time and again, when I told her about my previous experience, Wellbutrin that doesn't seem to be working nowhere near as good as it used to, if at all.

The only thing that offers a real change in how I feel is Rivotril (Clonazepam) but my therapists said that I have to get off of that and that it probably contributed to how I feel right now. Clonazepam was prescribed to me when I had stomach acid problems but when I noticed the mood changes, I started jacking up the dosage and when I finally went for help again few months ago I was taking more than the maximum dosage allowed. I am currently gradually lowering the dosage.

I feel so drained and tired that I often sit at my sofa and think how, if I did what I felt like doing, I would just curl up into a fetal position in this corner that I see from the sofa and never get up.

As I mentioned in the introduction thread you would never guess it because of my appearance. I do look like a mob boss or at least a criminal of some kind but I've never been that way. That's why almost every person that has seen me and then meets me reacts the same when when we start talking - shocked by who and what I am. Not a bounty hunter, bodyguard or a drug dealer but a published translator of poetry...

Anyway, I am currently just pushing through and doing the things that need to be done, like facing a fear of driving that I developed by taking some extra lessons and getting a car. That was a huge deal for me, it's emasculating being the 200 pound muscular guy that doesn't drive.

I am doing this and taking care of my business but with extreme effort and no satisfaction. As I said, I am pushing through until it hopefully becomes better...

Thanks again