One minute I'll be okay, watching a dvd or suitably distracted online, then other times I'll be curled on my bed in sadness or nearly crying as I drive home.
I feel I'm getting better then I'm overwhelmed completely.
What is going on?
It makes me feel like my sadness is fraudulent, because it passes.
Nobody can say whether or not it is BPD, but you might want to explore why you don't think you can tolerate having your experiences labelled as that.
I think depression can vary in intensity irrespective of diagnosis. Depression doesn't just refer to feeling low; its more a descriptor of your whole system slowing down, having hopeless thoughts, struggling with self care and losing interest in pleasurable things. If those things seem to fit with where you've been at for the past few weeks then its probably attributable to depression.
In terms of coping with waves of feeling low, try not to beat yourself up about it. If you feel sad and need to cry, that can be a really good release. Try to remind yourself that it will not last forever and that the feeling bad will not in itself hurt you. I know its hard though and you have my sympathy.
My depression often comes in strong waves. You know my diagnosis is bipolar and I remember that was being explored for you at one point as you had experiences of high mood and low mood. Maybe it's something you could raise again?
Hold on to the fact that waves reach a peak and then recede. Yes it's really horrible to be experiencing that peak of depression, but hold on because it will pass. Maybe practice some mindfulness? Allow the depression to do its thing and just observe it without fighting it.
I always tell myself that even when there's a huge storm outside with heavy rain and thunder it always passes and the sun comes out again.
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
Hey lovely. I don't know if this is something you relate to, but I find that although when I'm low my mood is generally fairly consistent, when I'm on my way out of an episode of low mood, it will fluctuate a lot more but before long will even out and I'll be left feeling okay. So although it is difficult, I know it is generally a good thing! Just throwing that out there in case it gives you some hope.
Please remember that your feelings are always, always valid. That is no less true just because they change. I hope you can hold on to the fact that you sometimes do feel better and use that to get you through the bad times.
None of us can say if it's BPD, though I don't think you need to jump to that diagnosis. I do agree that its worth considering why that would be so upsetting. Can you discuss it with a professional?
Sending love x
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
Sarah yes my diagnosis is bipolar II and probably traits of mood instability. I understand the mindfulness, that's good advice to tolerate the moments when I'm curled up so sad.
Hannah thank you. That makes sense it could be a good thing although I always find this transition a bit scary and difficult. Thanks for saying my feelings are valid.
I know why BPD would be upsetting, because I was wrongly labelled with it for years every time I said the word "self harm", plus the feeling it would be a change. I could discuss it with my psychologist but she's in the past said I don't have it.
Glad to hear. I have bipolar and know a lot about waves.
Sometimes the depression does make you feel as you are either treading water going nowhere or about to go under. The key is not giving up. The thing with waves is that you have two choices- try to go over them by jumping or going under. Jumping takes a lot of energy and I think that is why people without depression don't understand it is a real disability. You can get so tired and unmotivated. The thing about going under is choosing your moment. It uses a bit less energy but you still have to clamber back to get above the surface. With coping skills you find the techniques to get back to normal so you can jump waves again. In my work, I literally challenge my kids who are afraid of water to karate chop those waves. Sometimes support of others going through the same experience as you can make you feel stronger. Meds are one form of coping. But make sure that you make time for you as much as possible. One day when depression waves- you'll just be waving back- and maybe waving it goodbye.
~Happy tomatoes together we will be~
You say toe- may- toe, I say toe- mah- toe:
Let's call the whole thing- red
“It’s time to lead the third revolution, which is not to say we want to be at the top of the world, but to say we want to change the world. Because the way the world has been designed by men is not working. It’s not working for women, it’s not working for men,
it’s not working for polar bears.” Arianna Huffington 2014
Thank you bitomato what a great reply, thank you a lot.
I've still got 20 days of sick leave in which to keep up my recovery so I don't rush back into things. I didn't think about waves (even though I titled this!) like that until you said it, but I guess it's like with mindfulness for anxiety you just have to ride the waves and the intensity passes, like Sarah said above.
It would be foolish to think I'm recovered but there is definitely more mental clarity creeping in. Like the fog and lethargy that made it so disabiling (you're right about that, it's never caused me "disability" so profoundly before now) have eased.
I am making sure to pace myself and have quiet moments too.
Last edited by Snow White. : 01-05-2015 at 03:05 PM.
I had a day like that yesterday feeling like I had turned a corner and then bam the evening came and things went down hill. I know it doesn't make it any easier but you are not alone and it certainly doesn't undo all your good work.
Can you put a plan in place to get through the evening?
I remembered I said I wouldn't overdose on the pills my psychiatrist gave me and I'm seeing her tomorrow so I'm safe from that.
I thought about cutting myself badly and I put a knife next to my bed but that seems scary from the research I've done
So I guess another night of crying wolf as I go to sleep safely.
I really relate to feeling depression come in waves. Randomly waking up one day feeling better and hopeful that the hopelessness is over. Then it creeping back in again! Earlier this week someone said to me "What do you mean you are feeling worse again you said yesterday you were feeling happy?". But it's ok!
I'm really sorry you've been feeling like hurting yourself. You can get through this. Good luck with your appointment tomorrow!
I often have the same thing, fine all day but then once I'm alone again its like ugh. Its hard but hold onto the good times and remember you can and will feel that way again. I know its not that much comfort but its all we can do really. And know we're all here for you too.
Thank you all so much. I kept reminding myself that I'm going to get a new job so to hold on for when that happens and I think that will be my strategy as it helped a lot.
Thank you so much for expressing your understanding, it's so important to me to know I'm not the only one who goes through this.
