Originally Posted by
Finnian
I don't know why I even bother writing this.
If I'm really honest, I don't know why I even bother with life.
It's just that I'm completely ****ing up my life and I am aware of that and still I can't ... or don't want to ... do something about it.
And when someone asks me what the problem is, I cannot answer.
I can describe what it is I'm thinking or doing or feeling but I can't say where this is coming from or why I am like this. Or why I'm apparently unable to let go of unhealthy behaviours and try being happy instead.
Because it's not that I wouldn't want to lead a happy and fulfilling life, I just don't know how that's supposed to work or if I would even be capable of doing that.
Every time I think that I actually feel ok something happens again and I do something stupid and **** it up again.
I'm just so sick of it.
Every time I make a step towards getting help I back down again because I realise that there is no point.
I want to get better but I don't know how.
Its ok not to know and its ok to be tangled up at 19. A LOT of people are screwing up their lives and don't realise it. Popular kids with perfect grades, teeth, friends etc are chasing a carrot that leads them over a cliff. They just don't realise it until they run out of things to chase and look forward to (thats why celebs go crazy when they get success - the emptiness catches up to them).
The truth is people have a false and conditioned self thats tries to live at the expense of the true person. Like a salmon it returns again and again to the people, places and things that spawned it.
If people upset you and made you angry, that pulls you away from your center and you acquire a morbid self-awareness. Then you can try to compensate for feeling inferior and it often backfires and makes things worse.
You can't "make yourself" feel happy. The thing to do is back-up from feeling too sad. See there is a middle "contently balanced" place between happy and sad. If you try to be happy while in a sad place it will backfire. Positive thinking doenst work long. The other end of the rubber band will usually snap back.
The thing to do is resist giving in to despair, blame, self-loathing, resentment (a hypnotic emotion) etc and just observing the negative feelings and thoughts that try to pull you down. Don't be for or against them. When you realise you've been sucked in just realise it and stand back from it in your mind. Keep a nice attitude - a lighthearted attitude toward your problems. I don't care how serious it is.
Just endure any pain or conflict gracioulsy. Being upset and willfull with problems makes them worse. Being objective to them makes them lose power because its your emotional overeactions and conditionings that keep them alive. That's your main problem - you aren't really yourself yet but a complex of compulsice overreations that are self destructive. Every overreation pulls you from center and makes you feel like an effect in life instead of a cause.
If you know those impulses make you sad then you know those impulses are really you but a complex of conditoning you've grown into. Intellectual study and struggle is not a cure - it makes things worse - ypu get lost in thoughts and feelings. You just need a yearning to know whats true and a nice attitude. That causes realisations and serendipty to kcik in - the "aha!" experiences that light your way.. Miserable people often have bad things that keep happening to them out of the blue. More carefree people are resilinet and things roll off them easier. Good things happen out of the blue. Be creaful of moping and feeling sorry for yourself. Its natural at 19 but its got to go at some point. You don't realise what you have going for you yet
