I was picked up by police on a s.136 last night. It was my birthday yesterday too. A police officer happened to drive past by chance and found me on a bridge. I attempted to harm myself in the back of the police car too. I just wanted to hurt myself so much.
I was discharged after assessment. My team are aware of what's happened. My eating disorder worker is going to call me again tomorrow and I am seeing her on Thursday. I have a group at the day hospital on Wednesday. Uni are aware too. I went to uni today but I was only discharged from the 136 at 6am and I only had an hour's sleep so I am exhausted. I feel really spaced out. I talked for a good while with my supervisor though. It did help but I am overwhelmed at the moment. The Mental Health Adviser at uni rang me this afternoon too, my supervisor let him know what happened. They are pretty concerned, but they are helpful.
I just want to die but I can't think of how to do it. I couldn't do it because it was selfish, the cars below, it's not fair on them. There was another bit I considered but the risk of severe injury and not dying. I need to be certain. I have considered another method where my body might not be found to save that selfishness, but then that's not fair on my family, the uncertainty and not knowing.
I can't bear being this weight. I can't stand it. It is making me want to die. I can't cope with the thought that I have to eat multiple times a day every single day for the rest of my life. The constant battle. I am living on my own basically, I am in control of it. I am choosing to eat. And I am so ashamed and disgusted with it.
There is so much going on and I am so overwhelmed. I finish uni in August, I am struggling with the work and getting myself to do it. I was discharged from hospital in September, my dad moved out in January, he's just told us he's getting married, and he wants to put this house on the market to sell sooner rather than later. I need to find somewhere to live. I need an income. I can't communicate, I can't make eye contact. I have no future.
I have such vivid memories from last night and I can't quite process it all.
Hi Liv I'm low on words but I'm so sorry things are so unbearable I can so relate to what you are saying I wish I had a suggestion but I dont. Thinking of you. Please know you are worth so much more and you dont deserve to suffer x
I don't think it's great of them to discharge you without the crisis team tbh, because it sounds like you are quite at risk. Would you consider asking to be referred to the crisis team?
Why can't you bear being at this weight- what's wrong with it? Why is is shameful to choose to eat? I'm aware those are pretty big questions, so feel free to avoid them if they feel too big to answer just now!
Liv.... I hear so well where you are. I am there too and you do not deserve it. You deserve so much more. I wish I had words to help but I send love
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
It sounds like there's so much going on right now; I know its hard to imagine but an you picture yourself feeling differently in a situation with fewer triggers?
Please take care and remember these feelings wont last forever.
I think if there was less going on at the moment, fewer triggers, there is a chance I would feel differently. I know it was helpful at uni yesterday when my supervisors helped me break down the uni work into manageable steps and reassured me that I am doing well.
I just can't see past the anorexic thoughts. How despite doing well with fighting it and sticking to my meal plan, the thoughts are so, so intense. I suppose rationally it is not shameful to eat. I don't think for anyone else it is, and for other people I don't see weight as associated with self-worth at all. But all I can think is that it makes me greedy and self-indulgent. I am convinced that that is what other people must be thinking of me, that they must be laughing and thinking it's ridiculous to say I am struggling with an eating disorder.
My dad doesn't know about any of this. I haven't told him about what happened. The police officer wanted me to, but I just don't know where to start.
I would consider the crisis team if that is an option right now. I don't know if it is, but I could try to ask my team on Thursday. My care coordinator is going to come into the session with my ED worker so they can talk to me more. The doctor called and asked me to go in and see them tomorrow too. I think I'm going to ask for some PRN.
I'm just so exhausted and drained by life. I just don't want to function. I keep thinking of ways of hurting myself, methods of killing myself, but there doesn't seem to be a way of doing it without hurting people.
I wish you all the best With the crisis team Liv. Do you feel able to be honest with them about how you're feeling? I'm so glad you're posting here for support when you need it, you deserve to get through this tough time. We are here for you xxx
The Crisis Team came over this afternoon. I was honest with them about some of what's going on but I couldn't tell them everything. I took an overdose last night. The Crisis Team asked if I'd taken anything because I was very sleepy, but I couldn't tell them honestly. They're going to come over again tomorrow and on Sunday though, so I am going to try and tell them then.
I am just feeling so low. I've slept for about 19 hours today and I just want to go back to sleep again. I have just had something to eat today though.
I didn't manage to tell them about the overdose. I am going to try again tomorrow though, when it feels a bit less scary that they might do something.
I feel a lot better physically today though. I went back to sleep after I posted and slept for another 12 hours. The Crisis Team came over again this afternoon, and they said I look a lot more alert today. I met my dad for lunch too, and I am going to make dinner in a while. The Crisis Team are coming over again tomorrow morning and then in the evenings next week because nights are the times when I struggle most with the thoughts and urges and I tend to isolate myself.
Trying to just rest this evening. Going to watch Britain's Got Talent and maybe read for a while. Use some distractions.
I was not really able to talk at all today, my brother and his girlfriend started cooking breakfast in the next room pretty much as soon as the Crisis Team arrived so there wasn't any privacy and we called off the appointment after about 5 minutes.
They are coming over again tomorrow though, so I will try again then.
I don't want to eat anymore. I wish I could starve myself to death.
I managed to tell them on Monday the overdose. I had a review with my psychiatrist and SEDCAS worker on Tuesday too. She said it was a bit late to be checked out really, but everything should be fine and my levels should be coming back down to normal now. I'm being discharged from the Crisis Team on Monday.
Everything seems to have massively kicked off in my family at the moment and I am struggling like hell with it. I've got uni work which I'm supposed to be doing which I just don't know where to start with, I'm so overwhelmed. It just feels so pointless. I feel like I'm running out of time. And there's still that part of me which just thinks, well I'm going to end up doing something which ends my life at some point anyway so what's the point in trying.
I had a huge argument with my dad on Tuesday night, but I did manage to call my best friend and go to her house to just talk instead of doing anything stupid, so that was an achievement. And I saw some family yesterday. I'm moving out by June now so I need to find somewhere to live soon.
I am just sad and overwhelmed and I just don't know where to start. I feel like I just need a break from everything but there's no time/
Would it help to talk about things kicking off in your family?
I remember recently you found it helpful for uni work when you met with your supervisors and they broke down the work you had to do into smaller steps- could you refer to the plan you made with them? Or ask them to do that again with the work you have now?
Sorry to hear that your argued with your dad, but it's amazing that you were able to go to talk to your best friend rather than doing anything less safe. Maybe you could make your own crisis plan with a list of strategies (including calling a friend) you can use when things get really difficult.
In terms of feeling overwhelmed by things like finding somewhere to live, could you make a to do list of all the things you need to get done, then choose a couple of things that seem most urgent to get done over the weekend?
It's all just about the house. It's so stressful and I'm so worried about everything. Making a list and then prioritising it sounds like a good place to start, so I will have a go at that. Making a crisis plan will be helpful too I think. I had a WRAP plan in my Recovery Folder in hospital, so I might start just by looking over that again.
I went up to uni again on Friday and my lecturer helped me work through the thing I was most anxious about. She wasn't happy about it either (ethics form and comments from reviewers) so it was reassuring to hear that I wasn't just being as stupid as I thought. And I got 85% on my essay, so that's nice to hear.
I wanted to starve myself to death again last night. Just stop eating completely. Give up and say I am done. I want my heart rate to be low again. I feel so huge and it just feels so unbearable right now. But I am on track with my meal plan for today.
I get in at least my own experience that pull towards the unhealthy, but by choosing to stick to your meal plan you are fighting for you. Not anorexia- well done lovely <3
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
I think it's just that feeling of knowing it's enough, that I'm causing myself some harm, that I am getting somewhere. It never really feels like enough though I suppose, because otherwise it would have done before I was admitted last year.
My body image is awful at the moment. I'm spending so much time looking at photos and comparing them to photos from last year, hating myself for the change.
