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Triggering (SI) - So, why don't I want to stop? (suppose it could trigger)
This is the first time I've ever tried an online forum for help with this, so..forgive me if it's a little awkward.
I'm almost 18, and I've been cutting since I was 13. I was always an emotionally fragile kid, and my parents didn't do much to help here. Their idea of comforting their upset, crying kid is to blame the kid, accuse them of doing for attention and tell them to 'grow up.' I started because of family issues (living in the same house with my grandmother and her descent into Alzheimer's, when she'd been my third parent for my whole life and then turned into a paranoid, vicious shell of her former self). I'm a private person, so this is my way of dealing with things - rather than sharing.
So I know why I started. I think I wanted someone to save me, but didn't have the words. I never bothered hiding the cuts then, only started that a few years ago - the nature of my cutting changed. It went from something that I desperately wanted someone to notice and help me, to something awful and shameful. I still don't get how my parents, teachers, friends never noticed the deliberate cuts all down my arms. Even when I freaked out and cut too deep and had to go to my mother for help, she accepted whatever stupid story I spun. I guess I'm resentful about that. It's the parent's job to save their kids, to protect them - from myself in this case. Also towards my best friend, who I tried to tell at the very beginning - but her reaction, that this was a horrible thing to do and that she hated me for it just made me clam up and not tell anyone.
Only recently did I open up to people again - a counselor and my boyfriend. The counselor made me feel awkward and didn't seem to care - saw me twice (that was relating to an eating disorder, but I did admit the cutting) and then never made any follow up appointments or asked if I needed any more help. The boyfriend..tries to understand, but I don't blame him for not getting it. He's a great listener, but it always makes me feel guilty. Even though talking to him can stop me resorting to cutting, it makes him upset. It's not fair on him. He wants me to stop, but I'm too scared to let go.
All the situations which made me start cutting - my grandmother, my parents, bullying - are gone. My life is actually fairly sweet. I have great friends, I'm about to graduate high school with fairly good marks, I've had a blast all year, my boyfriend loves me and I love him more than anything. Yet I still don't want to stop cutting, even though it makes me feel awful. The stress of hiding it for so long is wearing me down.
In a way, it's the only part of my personality that's stable and constant. My circumstances change, but I've always got this little secret. It sounds sick, but..I think at 13, picking this habit up when you're so easily influenced..the desire to harm myself at the smallest trouble has interwoven itself into my personality and I don't know how to get it out. In fact, I'm not sure I even want to. Of course, there's all the typical stuff - the physical rush of the act itself is a big one. Touching my scars is comforting, and I like knowing I always have an escape. It's gotten worse in that regard - I haven't carried a blade in a while, but after stealing a dodgy one from the art room during school, I figure it's safer to carry my own clean blade.
I hate myself sometimes, for loving the awful things I do to myself.
I'm not sure what I'm looking for here - advice? Just an opportunity to talk to people who actually understand?
Wow. Sorry for the text wall. Props if you read all that! I feel better getting it all out.
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