An old friend once described depressive episodes as a wave, it comes towards you, you can feel it coming and it washes over you, it washes you out to sea and you can't control it.
I really identify with this analogy. Sometimes I'm feeling 'ok' and then I can suddenly begin to feel this 'wave' coming and I try to talk myself out of letting it happen, I try to think of nice thoughts and fight it off, but it just washes over me. I can't control it at all. I'm then mostly left feeling low for the remainder of that day, or sometimes several days.
This has been happening less since I started Venlafaxine a few months back, but it still does happen at least three times a week. During these times I feel totally low in mood, worthless and like nothing will ever get better.
I don't know if any of what I've said makes any sense, but does anyone identify with this? What helps you to fight off 'the wave'?
We're all architects of our own private hell
No-one can hurt us like we hurt ourselves...
I know what you mean though the wave lasts months in my case
I don't have strong coping techniques but have found mindfulness helpful
When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty. ~Woody Allen
Is a chocolate muffin loving glitter ball
I do relate but I think the thing I have found most helpful is not something I can do, but changing the way I think about my lows. Like, to take the wave analogy in a different direction - while it might be true that it seems like this enormous force that you can't control, instead of thinking of it as something that washes you out to sea, the way I would see it is that I'm anchored somewhere safe, and while it will still come and it will still feel awful, it will eventually wash over me, it can't last forever and it isn't going to harm me. It doesn't make it any more fun but since I stopped fighting so hard and started working on accepting how I feel, it makes things a lot more bearable.
I don't think I'm explaining myself well and I am rambling, sorry!
In terms of actual strategies, what have you tried to help? Have you found anything even a little helpful? I think you were in the process of getting some help, has anything happened with that?
I'm sorry things are so difficult for you. Take care of yourself! x
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
I definitely associate with you about seeing/feeling the depression coming. I find it really hard to do much about it, but on my stronger days I try to see what may have set me off in the recent days before - even a small comment or a slight or random trigger can become that wave of depression and accepting what happened had hurt and exploring it can help stopping the wave crashing.
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the english way (Pink Floyd)
Serendipity- thanks, that does actually make an awful lot of sense, and you're right, the harder you try to 'push' thoughts or feelings away the harder it actually is to get rid of them. I will try and focus on just letting the feeling come and pass in future hopefully!
I've tried distraction techniques and relaxation but I struggle with that. I guess I use a lot of avoidant behaviours I.e. Sleeping. I've also tried thought challenging when I'm experiencing thoughts about being fat/ugly/a failure etc.
I'm still in the process of getting help- I saw my GP not long ago and she's referred me to the CMHT for an assessment but that's not until the end of April unfortunately. I'm still on my meds though and finding they help somewhat.
I feel like perhaps this is just how things will always be so I should just accept it.
Serialangel- I often analyse these moments but 99% of the time there is no identifiable trigger.
We're all architects of our own private hell
No-one can hurt us like we hurt ourselves...
I just wanted to add that even though this seems like quite an enduring pattern, it doesn't mean it'll be that way forever. I think that being gentle with yourself and accepting these waves is a wise thing to do, and its by being flexible that you will find ways of coping with it. You sound like you have a lot of insight and I think its brave of you to face up to this so frankly. Hope you feel better soon.
Thanks for the replies, guys. You're all so truly wonderful *hugs*.
Hopefully this CMHT assessment in a couple of weeks will shed some light on what's going on for me and what can be done to improve my MH.
I don't remember EVER liking myself or feeling that I was good enough so I know these thoughts and associated behaviours will be the hardest to change as its so ingrained into me that I'm a bad, ugly person. Don't know where to start really.
We're all architects of our own private hell
No-one can hurt us like we hurt ourselves...
I understand those feelings- a wave is s great analogy. Often you can see it coming and might even anticipate but sometimes it's like the ground falls away and you are just swept under. I hope the assessment helps- be as honest as you can be. Start with what you said here- those early beliefs can become so ingrained
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
The waves are a bitch. Sometimes they catch you when you have enough strength to get through it and then other times it just comes crashing. When I get such depressing thoughts I try to say something positive about myself or something I'm grateful for 3 times for every 1 negative. It's really exhausting the first bit so I took it slow and allowed for me not to be perfect and yes I didn't get all the negatives but the next day I was better at it and the next week even more. Slowly my negative, self hatred has been dissipating. But it took a long time for me to get here so it takes a bit of time to turn the tides hopefully this helps
We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used to create them ~ Albert Einstein
Worry is an obsession over something that hasn't even happened yet.
You ARE talented, You ARE capable
Uniqueness is your GIFT!
Are you getting any support to try and work on the ingrained beliefs that you are a bad person etc? It's a bit of an unfathomable task to undertake on your own without anothers perspective. Not impossible, just harder!
Bizibumblebee- that's a lovely idea, I'll certainly give it a try. I have tried to remind myself of positives before when I've been in negative states of mind, but it's just so difficult I guess.
Epicene- unfortunately I get no support whatsoever. I've been fobbed off with meds only for a long time now. The last time I was offered any psychological therapy was at 16 for anxiety and agoraphobia. That was 10 years ago now and the depression has never gone away (and the anxiety to some extent!).... Luckily my new gp has referred me for an assessment with a psychiatrist but that's not until the end of April and is still only an assessment at the end of the day.
I feel quite lost. I'm not sure what to do. I've felt so low this weekend.
We're all architects of our own private hell
No-one can hurt us like we hurt ourselves...
Oh my word, I am really appalled you have never been offered any psychological/talking therapy in all that time! I think you're really strong to have coped essentially on your own all that time, but obviously its far from ideal. I hope you can get some sort of referral from the psychiatrist and not just more medication. I know when you feel low its hard to stay positive, but there really is hope for you and so much more to try in terms of treatment. Self help books might be worth a go in the meantime, the overcoming series has a stack of evidence for being helpful.
Epicene- I too am appalled. Especially considering I work in mental health myself! I've always been told that waiting lists are too long so there's no point referring me to a psychologist. My previous GP, I turned up in a state saying I felt suicidal.... I left the surgery with 3 months of medication!! It's absolutely ridiculous!
I've tried a great deal of CBT self-help, some bits have been mildly effective, others not.
I really do feel like this is it- this is me and this is how I'll always feel.
We're all architects of our own private hell
No-one can hurt us like we hurt ourselves...
Everyone is different in terms of the recovery they make, but I do tend to have faith that mental health issues aren't forever. You may well experience depression into the future (though you also may not), but there are always different ways of managing it. I really do think that given the opportunity to have therapy, you would draw a lot from it. It must be really frustrating working in the area and seeing the support others are offered, but I do think it's worth asking about being referred on for talking therapy. You've waited so long that if you are really clear with the referrer that you are happy to wait as long as it takes, there is no reason to deny you of that. If you explain that you've tried self-help and that you need to be mentally well enough to do your job, that might kick them into action. There is also the chance that you would be referred out of area so as not to come into contact with colleagues, which might even speed it up.
As you describe, you fighting well.Try these steps also like you don't keep yourself free. Always thinks about good things. start running in morning and try some meditation and if problem still continue then you must consult with Doctor.
*hugs* I think there is a way out perhaps, but it doesn't sound like your doctor is really listening. Do you have the option of finding a doctor who is really willing to listen?
Also I know in Australia lots of workplaces have their own counselling service. Does your work have anything like that? Always here if you need to talk
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
Epicene - you're right, I should insist on being put on the list, regardless of waiting times.
I'm moving house at the end of May so I'll inevitably be registering with a new GP so I shall push for therapy with them. I really need to stop moving every year because changing GP's so often is really difficult, having to explain the same story over and over again and beg for help! The one I've got now seems really understanding and is the one who referred me for the assessment, so I'm really sad to have to leave that surgery. I shall ask to stay, but no doubt they'll say no as I'll be living out of the catchment area I'm even considering not telling them ive moved, is this a bad idea? They don't regularly write to me so in theory it'd be ok....
Alanna - Thank you sweetie. Yeah my workplace have a counselling service but it's more to do with work-related stress I've been told!
We're all architects of our own private hell
No-one can hurt us like we hurt ourselves...
If you have a good relationship would they consider seeing you anyway? Sorry for misunderstanding before.
I don't know. Maybe our system is different but we can see doctors in different towns here. If not, is it possible for them to make a referral for you to a doctor in your new area? It seems weird that notes are not passed to the next surgery. That's a shame about the work counselling
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the english way (Pink Floyd)
hopefully this helps
I'm even considering not telling them ive moved, is this a bad idea? They don't regularly write to me so in theory it'd be ok....