Who do I tell? What do I do?

[[SundayGirl]]

I suffer from depression & severe anxiety (and bpd apparently).
At the moment I'm struggling enormously with my mood, I feel so low, so awful and like a horrible person. I'm having panic attacks to and I'm usually in a state of anxiousness.
I went to see my GP and CMHT who told me to take my medication as I struggle to take it. I tried to explain that it's hard to take as I feel it's a way for me to be controlled & that paranoia is to much so I can't take it. When I try there's also a voice or part of me that is telling me to take an OD. They didn't listen & just prescribed me more meds.

So, since then I've been becoming increasingly more paranoid so therefore more anxious. I'm a bad person so where ever I go people won't like me & will want me to fail or do badly at whatever I'm doing. I know that people are our to get me...not hurt but just get to me. I'm bow struggling to be around my family because I know they don't like me anymore either and I know they are going to talking badly about me & it upsets me.
I am also feeling like I need to self harm.
I'm also struggling to work now because of my depression & anxiety. Which is making things harder for me...if I can't work I feel like I'm a useless person.

Today though I had a sort of "light bulb" moment. I realised that ever since I was little I've thought there where cameras following me but I don't know where they are or why. I figured it out today. I'm a terribke person and the cameras need to capture it so it can be shown and everyone will be further disgusted by me. I also think that there's something going on with mirrors but I haven't figured that out yet.

So, logically, there's a part of me that thinks the above (cameras) is insane (but I am a bad person) & far fetched but it's stressing me out because I believe it's true.
I can't talk to my family about it. I can't tell my gp or cmht because they are useless & I don't see the cmht for another 3 months.

What do I do?
Leave it? Or who do I talk to?

[Kamic]

Hey,
Do you have anyone else, like a psychologist or counsellor, or can you ask your CMHT if there's anyone you can get more advice from. My case manager referred me to a BPD specific service where they understand my symptoms a lot more than at the general team.
I hope that you find someone who will listen.

[keep_it_together]

I can empathise with your words as I recognise much of myself in what you say along with on some level knowing it doesn't make sense but anxiety prevents your rational mind being sure these beliefs are delusional.

If you've been prescribed an anti-psychotic please take it as instructed, it can really help with those anxiety levels and make it easier for you to keep calm and ignore those delusional beliefs.

I guess on some level it's always seemed simple to me. Although meds are a bit scary to start with and make you feel different you aren't exactly having a lot of fun as you're feeling now.

[edwardcejka]

You need to get treatments from treatment center. Depression and severe anxiety can cause mental illness so it is better to visit any medical counselor and take medicines according instructions.

[[SundayGirl]]

Thanks for the replies.
I don't have any workers etc to talk to & I'm on a 9 month waiting list for psychological therapy.

I can't take my medication. My paranoia about being controlled through it is to much right now. I'm paranoid every second that I'm being watched.
:(