Basically I absolutely hate talking to any of my family and friends about how I;m feeling because I don't want to lose control of what they think of me. I've just recently realised I really, really need someone I can talk to who actually has similar problems to me, as funnily enough most my 20 year old friends are not going through the same sort of things
. I'm at university and I've found other people who want to talk about similar things to the things I think about that are making me depressed except most of these are druggies which is in no way something I'm against, I just don't want to do. I tried counselling but having a trained and payed consellor not understand what I'm feeling just made matters worse and as a result I feel extremely, extremely isolated and can't carry on much longer feeling this alone. I think I had depression from around 12 really but it was when I was 16 and it became major depression and I felt so dark and black that it got bad, after that I got really bad panic attacks in which I would just be sick which meant I had quite uncomfortable stomach problems for the last few years due to being sick a lot & not eating. Because of all the sickness it's meant I've had quite an isolated last 3 years and feel like such a loser because I find it so hard to be honest with people what's wrong. My family who I do love to pieces have their own mental health problems meaning my dad will be out of contact for months and his step family never wanted me around, my mum is passive aggressive, violent in the past, and anything I tell her could easily be used agaisnt me in a few years down the line and I'm too weak for that. I tried to kill myself 5 months ago after a long abusive relationship in which there were wrongs on both sides and now I just feel hopeless I'm ever going to have a normal, nice life. Talk about begging for friends but I just want to know if there is anyone else out there who feels like they need someone who's going through panic attack and anxiety problems who needs someone to be there who'll understand because that's literally all I wanna do right now instead of having meaningless relationships all the time.... Dont know how this works but email me if this isnt too depresso to make anyone leg it aha
