I didn't want to make a thread but...I don't have anyone to turn to and I'm feeling so low that I need something. I don't even know what. Support? Kind words? Understanding? Someone to talk to? A friend? To be heard? I just don't know.
I'm supposed to have recovered from all this depression bollocks...and I've been relatively stable for some time. However, today I've just fallen apart.
I just don't see why people fought so hard...why I fought so hard...to survive all the suicide attempts to stop self-harming to reduce the anxiety...if this is what I'm left with. If this is what life is.
I get it. I get the whole 'life can only get better' and 'in 20 years you'll be glad you survived' etc. But right now..? I don't do anything I enjoy. I'm fucking up my SECOND attempt at a degree. I have a boyfriend who really doesn't give a fuck. I have no friends...not REAL friends I can turn to. Hell, I'm left writing this on here just hoping someone will read it and care even a little bit...but I have no one I spend time with. I'm always alone. I only sleep because my tablets force me to. I work part time at a job I hate...I need to work full time but can't face doing it. Even though I don't miss any work I still onnly scrape by with just enough to live on. I depend on my parents for money when they're having to move because they're in that much debt. I mentor students and feel like a fraud because how can I advise anyone on how to handle MH issues when I'm like this..? I do nothing I actually enjoy because I don't even know what I enjoy anymore. I have no interests. No personality. Nothing. I'm 25 and my life is going no where. My relationship is going no where. I'm in my first ysar of a six year degree...even if I finish I doubt I'll even do anything with it.
I guess...I just needed someone to talk to. I don't think I can do this much longer. I'm on a slippery slope with these thoughts and we all know where it ends.
Sorry.
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
Katie I'm really sorry everything is so hard right now. There are people there for you, we care, your parents care, your friends and your boyfriend care even if it doesn't seem that way right now.
Could you try and reach out to your friends and family right now? You mentioned you don't feel you can talk to your friends but I'm sure if they knew just how much you were struggling they would be there for you.
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said "I just don't care"?
Thanks Soph. I literally have no one I can talk to. My parents solution is alway tk move back near them...but as bad as it is here, it'd be worse there with the added problem of my abusive ex's mates being there who are already threatening me so if they knew where I lived I'd be fucked. My mum tries to listen and be supportive but there's only so much listening over the phone can do. She has enough going on with my dad and moving. I am jusg 100% alone and it's finally breaking me.
I don't mean I don't feel I can talk to my friends...I mean I literally have none. No one. I spend my days alone. I don't go out because I have no one to go out with. I have no one I could say 100% that I could pick up the phone and call right now. I have no one. At all. I barely see my boyfriend and when I do he comes over, eats and falls asleep. He's asleep right now. There was no 'how are you?' No 'how was your day'. Nothing. I never get texts/calls. No one talks to me. I'm done with forcing it. I'm not good enough to be peoples friends. Not a good enough girlfriend to spend time with. I am nothing and I feel like I'm done.
Sorry if I sound pissy but I am at the end of my tether. It's nof that I feel alone because I can't tell people what's gling on...it's that I HAVE no one to tell. At all.
Thank you Soph and Hannah. It helps even a little just to bd heard.
Last edited by Patent Pending : 05-03-2015 at 10:30 PM.
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
I'm really sorry things are so bad just now lovely. I think you are doing incredibly well to keep going when it's all such a challenge. I do think things can get better for you. I very much understand the feeling of wondering why you've tried so hard, when things are still so crappy. But I guess, looking in from the outside, things have improved in that you do cope so well in spite of these feelings. I know it's a long process, but hopefully the next step is actually beginning to enjoy life again.
Do you have any support at all just now? I think it would be a really good idea to try talking to someone, whether that is your parents, your GP, mental health team. I know sometimes it feels like people can't help, but I definitely think it is worth a try.
Are there things that you used to enjoy doing? Or anything that you feel you would like to try? Maybe now is a good time to gradually try to find some enjoyable activities to fit into your routine.
Take care of yourself. I'm always here x
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
Don't get me wrong, I know thing's have improved. I know they have...but I'm still alone...in fact more alone. I see everyone with caring partners. Children. Close families. Then there's me. Just me. My head is screaming at me...but I have no one to tell it to.
All my GP will do is refer me to CMHT and all they will do is give me a psych who will say I'm fine because I'm functioning because all this is just me. My personality. Just me that I have to live with.
I don't even know what I used to enjoy. I don't really remember enjoying anything since Tom died and all the shit that happened with it.
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
I'm sorry I don't have any useful advice but just wanted to say that there are lots of people that care about you a lot. You are Such a strong person xxx
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
Hey I'm so sorry you are low.
I am struggling to concentrate right now, but Ian sending love. You have helped me in my darkest moments and I truly hope things start to improve for you xx
I don't understand myself... I'm searching for the person I am, and the person I want to be..
Katie <3
I'm sorry I don't have any useful advice but just wanted to say that there are lots of people that care about you a lot. You are Such a strong person xxx
Thank you Beckie, it means a lot. I don't feel very strong right now though.
Quote:
Originally Posted by in_BPD_hell
Hey I'm so sorry you are low.
I am struggling to concentrate right now, but Ian sending love. You have helped me in my darkest moments and I truly hope things start to improve for you xx
Thanks lovely, I appreciate it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sherlock holmes
Leaving some hugs. Sorry I don't have any way of making it better for you!
Are you able to talk to your boyfriend about how you feel?
Can you look for a new job, maybe research what you'd like to do and how to go about it?
Thanks Sarah, me and my boyfriend don't really do the whole talking about stuff. Mainly because he's usually either knackered, drunk or asleep. The main problem is, I don't know what I want to do. I have no idea. Nothing interests me so I have nothing to aim for. I feel like no matter what I do I'll always feel like I'm going no where.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Charmed
How are things going for you at the moment lovely? Thinking of you <3
Thanks Hannah. Things have improved a little. I went out last night with some people from work which was nice and I enjoyed it. I've also put in an application form to move from my department at work to the warehouse. I think I'll be happier there because there won't be all the bitchiness and backstabbing that happens on my department.
Things still feel like I'm not moving forward at all and all I keep doing is two steps forward, two steps back, so I look like I'm moving but I'm going no where.
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
I think sometimes there can be a weird limbo point. When you have gotten over feeling so so bad, that there is a weird blank space and you just don't know how to feel anything else. Like the badness left a hole and now you have to start learning everything else from scratch.
You don't just stop feeling suicial and ping back to normal.
This is a time when you have to learn what you like, what makes you feel good, what makes you feel anything at all.
Who you like, etc all those things you would have been doing but feeling rubbish took up all your time. It's a really scary dull place to be. But it can also be exciting because you get a clean slate, to try out things. This is part of your recovery and you deserve to give yourself time to work out where you are and what you want to do. You don't have to make any life decisions right now. Try some things out, take your time to work out who you are.
I have no words right now, but thank you Legogirl, what you say makes sense and I will reply when I can.
If anyone has spare hugs going I could use some. I'm at work trying not to burst into tears.
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
Thank you Sarah, I finish at nine so only two more hours and tomorrow I don't *think* I have anything so I can just wallow at home.
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
I think sometimes there can be a weird limbo point. When you have gotten over feeling so so bad, that there is a weird blank space and you just don't know how to feel anything else. Like the badness left a hole and now you have to start learning everything else from scratch.
You don't just stop feeling suicial and ping back to normal.
This is a time when you have to learn what you like, what makes you feel good, what makes you feel anything at all.
Who you like, etc all those things you would have been doing but feeling rubbish took up all your time. It's a really scary dull place to be. But it can also be exciting because you get a clean slate, to try out things. This is part of your recovery and you deserve to give yourself time to work out where you are and what you want to do. You don't have to make any life decisions right now. Try some things out, take your time to work out who you are.
I think you're probably right about being in limbo. I just kind of feel like I don't feel anything at all; like no excitement or enjoyment, but when I do finally feel something it's just crippling loneliness or sadness. It feels like I've been depressed/suicidal for so long (since I was 12 and I'm now almost 26) that I don't actually know who I am. I don't know how to go about finding out who I am.
I'm really struggling with the whole relationship stuff right now and I just don't know what to do. I can't talk to anyone about it because they all know him so it gets back to him. My parents are against him anyway so they're not objective. I don't even feel like I can write it all out on here because I'm scared he know's I'm on here and will see it. We don't talk about stuff about the relationship. At the same time, maybe this is all I'm worth? Maybe it's Karma for what I was like in other relationships? I don't know.
I just can't handle any of this. For the first time in a long while I feel like I should just give up and end it. That everyone would be better and I wouldn't have to deal with the fall out from all of this. It's not impulsive any more, it's simply looking like the best option. Almost the only option. I know logically it's not. I know that, but right now it feels like it.
I miss Tom. I miss being able to call him up and talk about this kind of thing. I know it doesn't help to dwell on the past and I know he's dead and not coming back, but I miss him.
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
I didn't want to make a thread but...I don't have anyone to turn to and I'm feeling so low that I need something. I don't even know what. Support? Kind words? Understanding? Someone to talk to? A friend? To be heard? I just don't know.
I'm supposed to have recovered from all this depression bollocks...and I've been relatively stable for some time. However, today I've just fallen apart.
I just don't see why people fought so hard...why I fought so hard...to survive all the suicide attempts to stop self-harming to reduce the anxiety...if this is what I'm left with. If this is what life is.
I get it. I get the whole 'life can only get better' and 'in 20 years you'll be glad you survived' etc. But right now..? I don't do anything I enjoy. I'm fucking up my SECOND attempt at a degree. I have a boyfriend who really doesn't give a fuck. I have no friends...not REAL friends I can turn to. Hell, I'm left writing this on here just hoping someone will read it and care even a little bit...but I have no one I spend time with. I'm always alone. I only sleep because my tablets force me to. I work part time at a job I hate...I need to work full time but can't face doing it. Even though I don't miss any work I still onnly scrape by with just enough to live on. I depend on my parents for money when they're having to move because they're in that much debt. I mentor students and feel like a fraud because how can I advise anyone on how to handle MH issues when I'm like this..? I do nothing I actually enjoy because I don't even know what I enjoy anymore. I have no interests. No personality. Nothing. I'm 25 and my life is going no where. My relationship is going no where. I'm in my first ysar of a six year degree...even if I finish I doubt I'll even do anything with it.
I guess...I just needed someone to talk to. I don't think I can do this much longer. I'm on a slippery slope with these thoughts and we all know where it ends.
Hey lovely. I really wish I had something to say that would help, but I want you to know that I'm here and reading and I care.
This is not all you are worth. I know you don't tend to talk about things with your boyfriend, but maybe it would be worth a go. What would happen if you told him that you really need to talk about how things are?
I think that maybe it takes time to start feeling the good things again, and that's okay. Don't give up on it. It's okay if you don't know what you would enjoy, too. Even if you just pick something that sounds like it could conceivably be fun and give it a go. Also, I know it sounds silly, but maybe keeping a kind of positivity diary would be worth a go; you could try writing down something good that happens each day (for example, going out with people from work). I know it isn't always easy but I think it might help you find some patterns in what makes you feel better, even if it is only a tiny bit, and maybe you could try to build on that.
Thinking of you xxx
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
Sorry it's taken me a few days to come back to this, things have been busy.
Quote:
Originally Posted by roseway
You can do it, love.
Thank you, I appreciate it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Serendipity.
Hey lovely. I really wish I had something to say that would help, but I want you to know that I'm here and reading and I care.
This is not all you are worth. I know you don't tend to talk about things with your boyfriend, but maybe it would be worth a go. What would happen if you told him that you really need to talk about how things are?
I think that maybe it takes time to start feeling the good things again, and that's okay. Don't give up on it. It's okay if you don't know what you would enjoy, too. Even if you just pick something that sounds like it could conceivably be fun and give it a go. Also, I know it sounds silly, but maybe keeping a kind of positivity diary would be worth a go; you could try writing down something good that happens each day (for example, going out with people from work). I know it isn't always easy but I think it might help you find some patterns in what makes you feel better, even if it is only a tiny bit, and maybe you could try to build on that.
Thinking of you xxx
Thank you Hannah.
I did end up saying things to my boyfriend (mainly because I was drunk and pissed off) and things have gotten a little better but we will see. Usually if I say I need to talk about things he'll avoid me or just be really drunk next time I see him. I'm still verging on calling it a day but I love him. A lot.
I have been looking around at what groups or things there are around my local area so hopefully I'll be able to try some new things. I am going to go to a diabetic support group to hopefully get me some more support IRL.
A positivity diary sounds like a good idea, I shall think about starting one. I know it's helped in the past so it might again.
Thank you guys for all your support. I am trying to pick myself back up again but with work going badly and mentoring getting a little tougher and not being able to concentrate on my OU work it's all making me feel like a failure. I didn't manage to complete my last assignment so now I'm not sure where I stand with it all.
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
Hope you'll be ok. You are very young still you know. Try not to make yourself feel bad over things. I was 27 before I properly trained in my career and was in my 30s doing college again. Seriously, you have years to sort stuff out. Don't be so tough on yourself and tell yourself that you're a good person and don't need to be perfect all the time for other people.
It became like a sort of prison. Encased in a silver shell, words so full of bleeding need spilled like drops on dry leaves. And all the while laughter prevailed a long way from here. Nowhere land, nowhere time, nowhere space.
It became like a sort of prison. Encased in a silver shell, words so full of bleeding need spilled like drops on dry leaves. And all the while laughter prevailed a long way from here. Nowhere land, nowhere time, nowhere space.
