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Unsafe
Rusty's been signed off work for a month (he's bipolar and work stuff made him very low then a little manic). That obviously wasn't easy, but we got through it, nothing awful happened and it's actually kind of reassuring to know we can deal with it.
He's gone back to work today and whilst that's great, I'm worried about him, I was so scared for him a few weeks ago and I desperately don't want him to go further down.
Added to which, I'm gonna be totally selfish now and get stuff off my chest that I don't want to worry him with:
I have to go to my ex's house at the weekend because my old motorbike is there (broken) and someone has bought it and needs to collect it. The trouble is, Kyle and I will always care about each other - we were engaged for 18 months - but we coudn't work, and I'm really really happy with Rusty. Kyle keeps switching between wanting to be friends "I really care about you, I never want to hurt you" etc, he bought me flowers the other week for my birthday. But on hearing I'm engaged to Rusty, with the excuse of he's 'worried' about me, he's been an absolute bastard, texting me saying he never wants to see me again, get out of his life etc etc.
I can't ****ing deal with never knowing where I stand. I know he's just trying to cope with having mixed feelings, but so am I and I would never treat him like that. Ever. For someone who keeps telling me he doesn't want to hurt me he's doing a pretty ****ing good job. I hate how he can still get to me so much.
On top of that, my 6 month old godson, Charlie, is going into surgery on Saturday. His brother died when he (another Kyle) was ten months old, so we're all pretty scared. It's not life-threatening surgery as such, and I know risks are really small, but so is the risk of cot death at 10 months and that still happened.
All this stuff makes me want to cut but I can't, I shouldn't. Trouble is, Rusty and I being into piercings etc means stuff is fairly easily available and easy to 'fantasise' over, you know?
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