I'm 23 and my parents say I'm ungrateful. Are they right?

[clementine.dahlia]

I'm 23 and I graduated from college last june. My family isn't rich by any means, but because my grandfather saved money from the day I was born he was able to pay for my college with minimal student loans. Now I have a fine arts degree and am working towards a career as a concept artist.

I have been living at my grandfather's house for a few months while I work part time (small city, only job I could find) Living here was my parent's idea, because my grandfather actually likes living alone and I think he feels his daughter (my mom) thinks he can't be independent at his age, even though he's completely fine. He loves me in his own way, but he's old and set in his ways and VERY hard to coexistence with. Random relatives also tend to drop by unannounced because they know I'm here and "just want to check up on the place". He has been away for the winter and will be back in april. (He does this every year)

Here is the problem: I discussed renting an apartment with my parent's help so I wouldn't be here when he gets back. They were ok with this, so I have been looking for months. I found one, called my parents to tell them, and my mom exploded. She said I was ungrateful, selfish, they can't afford that when I have a place to stay (AKA, Grandpa's) She said I should move home if I didn't like it "unless you don't like us, I guess!" (She actually said this!)

I was kind of floored, but this isn't the first time she's used the "you should be grateful" tactic. This time, I understand because she and dad would have to help support me and that's not entirely fair to ask, right? But...not to sound cheesy but I need my space to figure out who I am and what exactly I want to do. Art is a very personal thing and for a career I need to build a portfolio and to do that I need independence and self esteem. I also need a space that is mine. My mom also said I could do art anywhere if I really wanted to and not being able to do it either at home or grandpas was just me being lazy. I don't agree with that at all, but I didn't know what to say, so I replied "I can see this is going nowhere," and hung up. That was 4 days ago.

Am I the ass here? Should I call and apologies? What do I tell them? I have no idea what to say and no idea where I will be living in 2 months...

[Lindsey]

I can empathise on the own space thing. I like my living situation just now but I have had a really bad run of horrible room mates. When I'm living somewhere where I don't feel comfortable going to get a drink from the kitchen, it really affects me creatively. I write a lot, but I can't do that unless I feel comfortable where I am.

I don't think you're being ungrateful but I can see it from both sides.

[m.allen]

I think it's easy for people to grow accustomed to certain luxuries. No one thinks they're rich in North America, but go look at a Burmese worker slum in Thailand and then tell me you have it bad. It's all relative I suppose.
That being said, it sucks not to be independent in your 20's and I get how you would definitely want to be out of that situation.

If I were you I'd just try to make the best out of the living situation while trying to find a way to move out on your own without requiring your parents support. ie. living with friends, cheap digs, etc.

Hope that helps? Good luck!

[PassedExpectations]

I don't think that you're in the wrong. It is valid for you to need space to explore and live independently. From what you said, it sounds like your mom does have some valid concerns (money and from her perspective, your grandfather), even if she expressed them really poorly.

I think that Auror's point about renting studio space is a good one. I was also thinking about whether finding an apartment to rent with roommates would be more feasible for you to afford independently. If it turns out that your mom is really worried about your grandfather, and the city is small, perhaps you could promise to visit him once a week to check in... I would also bring in your grandfather's opinion. He should have some input too I think