Am I still eating disordered?

[teal]

After a few months on recovery, I gained weight. I was not underweight or close, so don't even know why I chose recovery, it's stupid for me... but I gained weight and seeing it was making me wanna purge and hurt myself physically. It even made me spend a week super depressed over it and disgusting. So I decided to start to eat healthy and lose the extra pounds (not a goal weight, yet... i'm scared of setting a goal weight and either not accomplishing it or get obsessed over it). Eat more vegetables, a bit less of carbs (but enough to allow myself to eat instead of running away from them), lots of protein and fruit without worrying about the sugar in it. Exercise regularly, but not to burn calories - to feel good with myself. That's why I stopped running, it was all about calories. I allow myself a treat every weekend, and eat so i'm never hungry and never too full, which is hard since I restricted, but restricting and fasting, came from binging so... my first problem was binging. And being full makes me wanna eat more. I'm not starving myself. I don't purge, I don't c&s. I'm just trying to be healthier mostly, the weight comes in second place, because, if i'm healthy and not overeating or not starving, i'm... happy, most times.
But my best friend tells me how i'll relapse. How this is dangerous. How I won't do it. How it's stupid.

And this is where I ask: do you consider this to be reflection of my eating disorder?, because... lots of women try to lose weight, eating healthy and exercising, and they go more extreem than me (no chocolate, no cookies, no this no that) and i'm including every food group in my "diet" so I don't miss any nutrients or get weak like before, or even binge because "hmm i can't eat bread, i can't eat cake, oh god i miss cake! *binge happens* oh *fast happens*". So, does that mean that those women have eating disorders?

Long story short: in your eyes, am I still eating disordered? I haven't told this to my therapist, because I haven't seen her since I started to eat healthy.

[Pi.R^2]

I think it's difficult to say, because it does sound like you're going about this in a healthy way and focusing on becoming more healthy rather than on restricting, over-exercising and losing weight. However the first few sentences make me think that this is perhaps more about weight than you'd like to admit.

As long as you are aiming for a weight that is within the healthy range, and you are not over-exercising and are still eating a sensible amount of calories, then I wouldn't say that this is disordered. However, as you have a history of disordered eating, you need to be very aware of the risk of this becoming disordered, though it does sound like you are aware of this line and will be careful not to cross it.

[Bittersweet13]

This is exactly where I am at right now. I feel that I am eating healthy but the thoughts come back and are harder to control. I guess it just depends on you. Don't feel guilty about going over what you're supposed to eat or get excited about being under. The voices are really the problem and the anxiety I think it's possible to eat healthy, although personally I'm struggling. Hang in there girly, you are doing great and are beautiful! You deserve to eat and be happy! I'm here for you anytime.

[mayh1981]

It sounds to me that you are on the road to recovery. The binging thoughts will always come back but if you have a strong mindset about how you want to live your life (which is to be healthy), I think this can be overcome.

I overcame bulimia more than 15 years ago and till this day, I still think about purging. I gained about 10kgs after i stopped and then lost more than 10kgs over a period of years. I have managed to maintain my weight for the past 4 years.

I have your same mentality which is to be healthy and also reward my body. I do binge but it is only occasionally and I would compensate by eating a salad the next day or exercising.

It's still good that you talk to your doctor about it. Very proud of you!