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Contains Suicide - tried to get help and it just got more hopeless
I don't really know what to do. I never really cut too much until the past few years, at ages 32-34. I've done more often and worse than ever, it's more of an torment if I try not to, and there is more thought/emotion/something to it than before. There have been a few months breaks in between a few times, but then back to it again and basically daily. So, why all this now? That's what makes it so hopeless, to me anyway.
I tried to go to a psychologist for the first time ever (the only ever time I had mental health help was in 2002, with forced hospitalizations, bad experiences, and no known improvement from the drugs). I didn't try a psychologist for cutting or suicide, I went because I wanted to be able to accept more positive about myself, like when someone I know really does seem to like me (platonically) or say a positive thing. It's like I want to accept it, some I can tell really mean it, but it seems so wrong. But I thought some was true. Somehow though it just has not helped at all and totally backfired. I'm trying to be open and consider stuff, but what it's done is since I've had to explain all this other stuff I didn't even think I fully believe anymore, it just puts more weight on that and less on the hopeful side I'm trying to accept.
I get so agitated, it seems so wrong, to be trying to consider these things, that I think cutting increased to sort of level it out. It's dumb though, I mean it's contradicting what I was trying to see. But when I'm up for hours and can't fall asleep, finally I can just give in, cut, and then I'm more depressed and disgusted with myself, but that's more peaceful to fall asleep to than being agitated trying to see why it's okay to be around people, why I don't cause problems to the level I think I do, etc.
I'm really driven to understand so I kept trying to see the psychologist even though I was really messing up my current life, and future life with all the scars more by doing it. Suicide stuff that I thought I didn't have to think about for decades or even maybe ever is back stronger as something to consider being what I should do. I don't want that to be true. I know I had really decided against that for multiple years, but now after trying to get help about such smaller issues and smaller changes, things like that are getting validated more. Plus how can I live long term if I'm cutting daily? But it seems I have to do that if I keep going to a psychologist, and it seems like I need to do to that to be able to understand other things. But I'm not understanding anything good, it's just the hopeless negative side is just getting more proven. And now I'm struggling with stuff like cutting and wondering if it's best for others if I end my life sooner than what I expected. In therapy I'm still supposed to be focused on these other things that I originally came for, but now I'm so much lower level. The results of trying to get help are that I've now been shown it's more hopeless than ever and I am stuck cutting like never in my life. And seeing that, I only get more upset with myself for being such a screw up, which of course only feeds those same negative things more.
How did I possibly get into such a mess, when since 2002 my life and view of myself had only increased and improved? I either was deceived all this time and this is actually the truth and I'm this bad of a person. Or I am deceived now. But if I am, I think it's hopeless anyway because I keep getting worse trying to understand. I have no idea what to do or how to see hope.
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