Triggering (Sexual Abuse) - Is it True? Help.

~Emilie~ · 04-11-2007, 09:14 PM

hello everyone, I hope you're all doing ok.

I just really wanted to talk about something...I've been thinking about it for a while and it's really hard to say. Ok...erm, about a week ago now, my step dad was hurting me again...and while he was I had really bad memories/flashbacks/thoughts(?). It triggered them because of what was happening but my dad died recently and apart from him being physically violent sometimes, he'd always been ok...but I had such realistic memories of him touching me. I've always known that we used to lie in his bed together and watch movies and I was happy...but I've remembered so much more, and the way I've remembered it...it can't be false? I remember what we were watchingon tv, what pj's I was wearing and exactly what he did...I was about 7 and found it funny at the time cause it 'tickled' and he did a lot of things and said it was how daddys played. =/ I really want to remember my dad as being a nice person (apart from the physical abuse) but now i just can't because everyday I'm remembering (I think??) more and more of what happened. It was bad enough last week with what my step dad was doing is horrible enough and then remembering that from your own dad...it just made me cry and feel so sick. And also, now, he's dead. I can't even attempt to talk to him about it...and my memory of my own dad has gone forever. he killed himself and his memory was one of the last things I had. I hate my homelife and I can't help but feel like all this stuff from my step-dad and dad(?) is my fault...it must be.

And I'm so confused cause it's just come to me....after all those years...is that possible? I just want to know the truth. Everything is getting too much.

Sorry for the rant and I know it's probably not very clear but I can't be that direct about things right now. =/

Please reply and tell me what you think...I'm so confused!

Love to you all,
emilie
xxx

Chrissyann · 04-11-2007, 09:27 PM

First of all *hugs* The fact that you've been hurt by your dad and your step dad is NOT your fault at all hun ok? You have never done anything to deserve it happening to you, and no-one has the right to hurt you in any way.

Secondly... and I know this will be scary... but you have to tell someone close to you what's happening. You can't let it carry on hunni. You need to tell someone so that they can help it stop. Your step dad shouldn't be doing anything to you at all. No-one has the right to touch you if you don't want them to.

Is there anyone close to you that you trust enough to tell? Because you can't go through this on your own hun. Not only do you need to stop it, you need to talk about what you're remembering about your dad too. The more you talk about it, the more you'll understand what's going on.

Please don't try and cope with this on your own. Seek help hun, please. You can't let your step dad carry on hurting you. You don't deserve it at all.

Take care
*hugs*
Chrissy
xxx

~Emilie~ · 04-11-2007, 09:45 PM

Thanks for replying so soon Chrissy. :)

I can't tell anyone about him though, i really can't...it would make things worse and a few years ago I told social sevices because I couldn'd cope and things got so much worse. I am hoping that what I am remembering about my dad is my mind somehow making it up?...I don't know. =/

A few of my friends know that my step dad hits me...but nothing else. I wouldn't know where to start and I can't even actually write it down even on here, I'm so pathetic. :(

Thursday night was really terrible and I ran away cause I need to get away from it all, but my mum found me today and now she hates me and no-one's talkign to me. She knows about the physcial stuff but everyone here's so depressed and sad cause of dad ending it and my cousin hung himself last month too. Everythign just seems to be wrong and I couldn't tell someone just now. I just wish i had someone who would listen and not judge and not force me to tell someone, because it is so hard. :(

Thank for listening. :)
*hugs*

x x x x

Chrissyann · 04-11-2007, 09:57 PM

You're welcome hun.

Not being able to talk about it or write about it, isn't pathetic at all. It's a really hard thing to admit to someone, and the fact that you've written this post is amazing, and you should be proud of yourself.

I really am sorry that your dad died under them circumstances.. it must be really hard for you and the rest of your family... but that's no reason for you to carry on putting up with what's happening to you. Because you will always find reasons for not telling someone. The longer you allow it to carry on, the harder it will be to tell someone.

No-one will force you into seeking help, because it has to be your decision. You can only seek help when you're strong enough to follow it through. But I can only stress that it really is in your best interests to stop him before it gets any worse hunni.

You've already ran away once because you can't put up with it... you need to try and avoid it happening again. *hugs* I know it's hard hun.

As for your dad... yes, sometimes our mind plays tricks... but if you think about it when your step dad hurts you, then maybe your dad DID hurt you? I don't know how you will know for definite hun... but if you did seek help, then that's one thing you could try and find out?

Stay safe
Chrissy
xxx