Contains Suicide - didnt know where to put this

[loew89]

I am not really new to this site i have been on here for several years. but just off and on, for a while i was ashamed to go on here because half the time i didnt know what to say, so here is some of my complete honesty.
I have struggled with SH and suicide for most of my life. in fact it wasnt even a year ago since my last attempt and only a few weeks since my last SH bing i like to call it. I thought i was over everything till just a huge wave of emotions hit me.
I realized that i struggled with a lot of things including my gender identity, and i found it and still find it hard to open up to people about it for fear of rejection. my family still dosent know whats going on in my life and i am to scared to let them in on anythign because i am scared of losing the only family that i have.
But with saying that i know that recently it has been a big struggle for me, not sure where i fit in or whats going on in my life which has caused a huge wave of depression in my life, and just recently i have begun to lose sleep over things and its starting to be really hard on me. I am just looking for support and people to talk to. I am finding it hard for me to talk to anyone around me about things just because well i am highly respected in the environment which i live and onyl my close friend know whats truly going on and even they dont know what to say. so its hard for me to be compleatly honest and open with people.
Like i said i didnt know where to put this and i jsut needed to get this off my chest because i just dont know waht to do anymore esspecially since my depression is really starting to hit hard again and my urges of SH are increasing again

[amoeba]

Hi,
I've been on and off a few times too, very rarely, and don't know what to say either often. Then when I finally wrote I probably wrote too much or made no sense or whatever and just felt worse. No one replied so I got more mad at myself, deciding it was wrong to write. I couldn't find if I could just delete my post.

I guess I was looking for support or just someone to talk to too. Not that many of us might be great with support since we are mostly/all struggling too. But sometimes things here and there help or help us feel not so alone or screwed up. Someone wrote something about their struggle I could relate with and I think it actually did that, ever so mildly.

I can relate with about not knowing how/why to talk to others, but wanting to. I can't really say I'm well respected but I guess I am to some degree that yeah, most people that know me would totally not believe how much I struggle with this or the value of myself. I'd feel bad trying to explain, and yeah they'd not get it, or be upset, and so on.

I guess here, in a way, the rejection fear would be less. Maybe. Other than when no one replies and we can then use that to feel we don't even belong here either. Well I did that. So I'm trying to go against that thought and write a few people. Thanks for being open and honest. I'm sorry that the depression and urges are worse. I hope that by now they are somehow reducing again, or at least not increasing.