I feel a bit low today. Have for a couple of days. I mean, I'm fine. It's just... I feel a bit sad and a bit stressed.
I've got the final module of my pharmacy NVQ due in at the end of the week. Officially it's not due in until the end of the month, but my manager is away next week, so she wants it finished this week so she can check it and sign it off before I send it for external marking. Ugh. I got an A in my last module, so there's no reason to doubt myself, but I still am.
I'm seeing my CPN tomorrow and I'm a bit worried about that. He's absolutely lovely, but talking about stuff always stresses me out. I might write a few notes because I can't think of my words spontaneously very well right now. Also, I think I find out tomorrow who new new MH support will be. The person I see now is going to be seeing people with a forensic background, which I don't have, so I have to move. It also means moving psychiatrists. It's change and whilst I'm sure the new people will be just as helpful, it makes me feel a bit unsettled.
I went to see my friend today and she had to lead me round a city that neither of us new particularly well. I'm just shitty with my brain at the moment. Forget words, forget where I've been, where I'm going, what I'm doing. I have to write everything down and triple check it. I am fed up of playing catch up and feeling a bit confused. I mean, I'm alright. Not unable to function. It's just... It could be easier.
I think a lot of the low feeling stems from not having been very well physically over the past few weeks. I had a nasty cold which lead to laryngitis and I've also had a UTI which wasn't got rid of properly by the first lot of antibiotics I had. I am not sleeping because I still have a cough and I'm just uuuurgh. Perhaps I'm generally a bit run down.
I don't even know what I'm looking for. A hug. An "it'll be OK." A kick up the arse so I actually do some NVQ work...
“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.
Hey lovely. I'm sorry I don't have anything very useful to say right now (I will come back if I think of anything!) But I just wanted to leave you love and hugs and tell you that you are awesome and you can do this. Sending love and good thoughts your way <3
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
It's natural to stress about new mental health professionals, but like you said, they'll probably be just as helpful (perhaps even more so). They're likely to be a bit nervous about meeting you, too. Is there anything you can do to make the transition easier - for example, meeting them with your current psych present or something?
You're bound to be a bit brain-foggier than normal if you've been unwell, and UTIs are well known to make confusion worse. It does sound like you're run down, which will make playing catch-up with your memory and so on more difficult too. Maybe assess how you feel once you've over the cold and the UTI and so on, and raise it once more with your psych? You need to keep reiterating you're finding it difficult to deal with, and they may suggest alternative medications or ways to help.
Your NVQ will be fine too! I'm more than happy to proof read any essays or reports or anything. Maybe try writing a plan of what you need to do and work on one thing at a time. Even opening a document and writing one sentence is a start. Even if that's all you do for one evening, it will be easier to come back to knowing you've started.
Love and good thoughts are always welcome, Hannah. :)
I think there will probably be one session with my current CPN and the new person, for a handover. I'm sure that's what's happened in the past. You're right - it could even be more helpful. It's useful to get a different perspective on things whatever, I guess.
CPN knows about stuff and because of that and other things, there's a medication review being sorted I think. You're probably right though, in that being unwell and tired isn't going to be helping matters. I think even people who don't have MH stuff have foggy brain days when they're not feeling 100%, right?
Thanks Ali. :) I might take you up on that!
“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.
The handover should be good, and will hopefully help ease those initial nerves. Different perspectives are always good!
I'm glad there's a medication review being sorted because this has been ongoing for a while. Being unwell will definitely be exacerbating it though, and yes, well people have foggy brain days too!
I didn't go. Argh. I just... Didn't turn up. I got up and ready and then consumed by fear because of being told stuff and then I didn't force myself out of the door. I am ridiculous. I KNOW that it's OK to go out. I have post its all over my front door for this exact occasion, but I listened to invisible people that have never been truthful rather than listening to myself and the things I have been told by people who are trustworthy. I'm tired. It's so much harder to counter things when I'm tired. It's so much easier to give in and just let the fear override everything. I like the outside. I really do. Nothing they have said has ever come to fruition, so why do I let them dictate my actions? It is not acceptable.
I'm so frustrated with myself. I phoned my CPN and we've rearranged for next week. I lied to him and told him I felt physically unwell. I apologised. He told me not to apologise and that as long as I'm OK then he's OK and it's OK. I might phone him tomorrow and be honest. I feel like I need to tell someone who'll talk me around. Does that make sense?
NVQ work is... Slow. I can't retain anything. I can read the sections and then can't remember anything for the revision questions at the end of each section. I know my job. I do. It's just... Argh. I'm worried that I won't pass. I've already had a three month extension, so can't ask for another one. Bleh.
Thank you so much for the replies and hugs. I really appreciate them. Even just an "I've read this and heard you" is so, so helpful. :)
“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.
Sounds like you had a really difficult day, so don't be hard on yourself for not managing to make it to the appointment. I think it would be good to tell your CPN the truth, just so he knows what's going on and so can better support you.
For the NVQ work, would it help to make mini revision notes or a mind map or something as you go through the sections to help you retain stuff?
I didn't go to work today. I work two days a week - that's it. I couldn't leave the house though. Or I could, but I didn't. I once again let fear overtake everything and hid inside. Urgh.
I've tried to do some NVQ work and have been making notes. Thank you for the suggestion. :)
I'm an idiot. I'm tired. Really, really tired. There's nothing wrong. I'm OK, you know? I just... I don't know. :(
“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.
I made it to work today. It was OK. I spent my lunch hour locked in a toilet, but I managed the rest of the day. I even managed to complete my coursework, pass my exam and do some paperwork that I'd been putting off since I was off for three months last year. A productive day, all things considered.
Just the weekend to get through now. I need a plan, I think. If I don't have one, I'll spend the day in bed and that's not helpful. It just makes me feel worse, which I don't need right now. I was thinking coffee out and perhaps a trip to the cinema. I don't know what to see. Any recommendations?
I'm OK. Breathe. Keep breathing.
“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.
Well done for making it to work, that's a great achievement! And congratulations on passing your exam and getting the coursework and paperwork done, considering how you're feeling at the moment that's really impressive!!
A trip to the cinema sounds good. Do you have any friends or family nearby who you could go out to lunch with perhaps?
Well done trying so hard today. We're off to see Into the woods today, there's also the film about Alan Turing and Theory of Everything the film about Steven Hawking
There are some amazing films out lately that I'm dying to see. Hope you feel better soon! Oscars always gives us a chance to know what's good on too.
It became like a sort of prison. Encased in a silver shell, words so full of bleeding need spilled like drops on dry leaves. And all the while laughter prevailed a long way from here. Nowhere land, nowhere time, nowhere space.
I got through the weekend. I actually went to see my Aunt and her children and we watched a DVD, which was lovely. I managed to stay the duration of the film, then go for a walk, then come home and relax a bit.
Had a crappy couple of days, but that was due to lack of sleep and withdrawal from meds as I forgot to take them. I'm feeling better today.
*Trigger - reference to suicide*
Had a tough appointment with my CPN. They were testing the panic alarms in the CMHT building, so they kept going off. Someone killed themselves in the next room to mine when I was in hospital last year. Actually succeeded. I heard the defibrillator talking the staff through what to do. It just reminded me of that. I was right back there and the alarms were going off every five minutes as they were testing each room. I feel I should phone and explain, as I didn't, I just cried and said I was tired. I was tired, but that wasn't the only reason. Ugh.
“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.
It became like a sort of prison. Encased in a silver shell, words so full of bleeding need spilled like drops on dry leaves. And all the while laughter prevailed a long way from here. Nowhere land, nowhere time, nowhere space.
