Relationship advice please.

psychotic-44 · 03-01-2015, 06:48 PM

I'm considering breaking up with a boyfriend of 1 year and 5 months.

I moved into his flat with him after it had been 1 year and 3 months (2 months ago).

He's a quiet, calm, simple and straightforward man. I think he has lots of feelings inside, but of course being a man lots of that is hidden. He goes to work 5 days a week and after work along with his days off, mostly plays games and watches films most of the time.

Me, I'm a quiet person, I have a few close friends that I hardly see but I'm studying for a psychology degree part time, and working full time. On my days off (which is usually 4 days a week) whilst he's at work I sit and do coursework for my degree. I feel I've made a big commitment as I've moved further away from my job to live with him in his flat.

He's a butcher so as of about the time I moved in, he was starting to get a bit busier as it was coming up to the Christmas period and around that time, I had just returned from a holiday abroad with my friend. Along with this, he had a small skin operation. So, coming up to christmas he was mostly resting on the sofa after long hours of work and sometimes working 7 days a week those weeks; we hardly saw each other sort of since we moved in. Although weekends off he would spend playing games.

I excused him from just laying around playing games, leaving the flat in a mess etc whilst he had the Christmas period. But he finished the busy period 9 days ago now. And nothing has changed. He hasn't made any plans with me (cinema, walks, coupley things you do), doesnt keep everywhere tidy, doesn't really communicate with me (I never really know what page we are on), never seems particularly happy that I'm around but indifferent.

I'm wondering,

Am I expecting too much?
I dont feel that 'connection' in a relationship, you know the intimacy feeling mentally where you just 'get' each other...are you supposed to feel that?
I don't feel like there's a spark, is that normal for people who have moved in together?
Should I just let things take their course and stop worrying about 'where things are going', even though I don't feel like things are going anywhere?
Surely we should still be doing things together?
Surely we should still be 'courting' in a way? As in, he should be asking me out on dates from time to time, to keep things fresh and nice despite having moved in together?

What are other people's experiences? Has anyone experienced similar in any way? Can you elaborate or advise me on what to do?

I'm considering moving back out into my grandparents' house. He texted me everyday and asked all the time when we can meet up again when I lived there before, which was lovely.

Iamcatbug · 03-01-2015, 06:56 PM

The one thing that strikes me about this is that you seem to expect him to be the one to make plans. Have you tried suggesting doing something together?

psychotic-44 · 03-01-2015, 06:59 PM

Yes. I used to ask him quite a lot if we can go out for a walk....but, I don't anymore because I just feel like I'm asking too much. So I leave it to him which is where we aren't really doing anything.

We did go to London for a day trip last week, but it was me that suggested it and me that got the ball rolling for it. And me that drove us to the train station... That's why I'm feeling like he isn't making any plans or anything.

I'm wanting to do stuff and go places. It seems like he doesn't.

talaiporia · 03-01-2015, 07:05 PM

I wonder if it would be worth talking to him about it because it sounds like there's been a bit of a breakdown in communication and perhaps he isn't really aware of what's going on.

I also wonder if maybe he's a very passive person. I know I am and it means that other people often have to make the first move in terms of arranging meals, events, meetings, etc. but it doesn't mean I don't care, I'm just lazy - if someone invited me I'd be up for it.

Unbreakable. · 07-01-2015, 12:36 AM

I would suggest discussing this with him and see what he thinks about it.

My boyfriend and I went through something similar when we first lived together. We are still working on things but it got better by now.
It's hard to just “get“ someone when there's lack of communication. If a relationship works that is because people are open about how they feel and willing to make comprises. Maybe you can suggest making one day a week your date night so to speak where you can go out and do things. If he's into games maybe ask if you could play something together sometime? My boyfriend's into video games and I just tried playing some of those with him and found I liked some of them enough to play them with him sometimes. Overall trying to get into what the other person likes can help sharing new experience, even when you find it's not for you and you don't want to do it again as you're not interested.

Living together and being around each other all the time can change a relationship a lot and yes, some of the excitement and romance seems to go. But I find that the upside cancels out the negative and it doesn't necessarily make the relationship lesss interesting.

Sorry for rambling!

mat · 07-01-2015, 06:00 AM

LoL you want attention. Just tell him i told my ex I wasnt a mind reader. I wouldnt play games though i would clean and sleep cause i was trying to be sweet and then i was beat.

Well tell him to give you more attention then games. If you were going to break up i think you would have by now however I think youre getting stuff off your chest. Some ppl just click. Hes comfortable as I would say... Youre mention of what he says when you were at your grandparents makes me think that. all those sweet mutters when ya'll werent living together, well hes got you!

Sunshine · 10-01-2015, 10:42 PM

Things do change when you move in and it's hard to be intimate and caring when your thinking about who's turn it is to do the washing or who's doing the cleaning. I moved in with my (now) husband 4 years ago and we had a lot of arguments at first because it's just a very different situation and your learning all these new things about each other that you had no idea about. we fell into the pattern of him playing Xbox and just sitting around not doing anything because you do see each other all the time. Now we have a 3 year old and I'm pregnant again but we make sure we get time to ourselves to do things together. I am often the ones putting suggestions out there to go and do stuff which he often doesn't want to do and it can be very annoying and fustrating but a relationship is all about compromise. It's also helpful if you have some " alone time" so you go out with friends or just on your own and then he does his own thing because then you do get to appreciate the time you have together.

Every couple goes through rough patches and I think moving in together is definitely a rough patch everyone goes through. You might just wake up one day and think to yourself "what was that all about? Things are good and nice now" that's what happened to me and my husband and we still have really bad patches and arguments and I'm still learning things about him 4 years on but the good times out weight the bad (which is pretty much a part of life in my opinion)

Take care
X

Patent Pending · 10-01-2015, 11:22 PM

I can COMPLETELY empathise. I was in a similar position with my boyfriend last week - considering breaking up with him, no connection, not doing things together etc. However after telling him we should call it a day we had a HUGE talk and he promised to take it on board and try harder and make more effort. I too felt likeme asking him to do things with me etc was asking too much.

I'm on my phone so replying is difficult but if you want to chat to someone who's been in a similar position feel free to PM me.

x x x