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I'm an absolute mess
Hi everyone.
It's been a long time since I've made any posts about anything like this to a forum on the internet, or atleast sought help somewhere where I'm not anonymous. I'm a 21 year old guy. I've been unsuccessfully attending college for the last 3 1/2 years. I have one friend, who is also my girlfriend. I have no hobbies. I have terrible hygiene, I haven't eaten in 3 days, I'm overweight, and I'm poor.
Down to business, I'll try not to wall of text very hard. I have an intense pervasive feeling of guilt, embarrassment, self loathing, anger, shame, hopelessness and an incredibly deep loneliness. I have tried to hide this ever since this began in middle school, when my family was torn apart and I had to live with my mother, who in retrospect was emotionally abusive.
I hate myself on a constant basis. I am constantly desperately lonely, and incredibly emotional. I have begun talking to my girlfriend about this, but I have an incredible fear that by telling her all of this, it will cause her to break up with me. For as long as I've known her, I've been the rock and I've been the pillar, I've been the strength and the support. As much as I can continue to be, I also need to change myself. I wrote her tonight a several paragraph long "journal entry" on facebook, I've never done that before. I woke up early, around 2 or 3am, and I was filled with an intense loneliness and sense of hopelessness. The kind that makes me panic and pace the house in terror. It was full of how much I hate myself, how insecure I am about the world. She tries her best to help me, she even gave me a "to-do" list for my daily tasks so I don't get bogged down in my emotions.
Which reminds me, I need a to-do list. I don't do basic things in life. I never brush my teeth, or shower, or eat, or clean. Infact, my whole life is avoiding life. I dont go to class, and so I fail. I will go so far as to get in my car and go to the school, but stay in my car where noone will see me, just so my family thinks I am going and I dont have to show myself to other people. But of course, it comes out later that its not worked at all. I have bad teeth, I smell, my grades are poor. But I try and be strong. Through everything thats happened. My father dying ontop of me, losing my little brother, my big sister going to college and graduating and moving away, my mothers abuse, abuse from my peers, being abandoned and given up on again and again.
I have such a hard time with this, because I feel like I need to be stoically strong always to everyone around me, when personally I'm a big sorry lump. I just need help. I can't get therapy because I can't afford it. I just need help, I need to know;
How do I stop hating myself so horrible for what I suspect is some kind of horrible inferiority complex/anxiety disorder, and fix my self image and return to the world and be better?
How do I end the cycle of guilt/embarrassment/shame/avoidance/anger that never ends?
How do I fix my life, and get school back under control and stop my relationship from falling apart?
I just want a path out, a map, a compass, something. Please help me.
Thank you for your time.
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