i feel lost

AllButWanted · 02-01-2015, 08:58 PM

My cousin passed away 3 weeks ago and it has been 2 weeks today since the funeral and i still can't believe she is gone. I keep going to phone her and then remembering that she isn't here anymore and i feel so lonely. She was the only person in my family in which i could openly talk about my mental health to and tried to understand even when she didn't and was so supportive.
I got moved away from home to a BPD inpatient unit 3 weeks before she died and my family lied to me about how ill she was. I think they thought that they were protecting me but i feel like they have made it even harder. She got diagnosed with terminal cancer just over a year ago and i have always known deep down that one day it would happen but i was trying to pretend it wouldn't. I keep getting upset all the time. I'm also scared that her husband won't let me keep in contact as they have a 2 year old little girl together who keeps me going when things are hard.
I'm sorry that this post is so long i just don't know how im meant to feel.
Em

Sooty · 02-01-2015, 11:22 PM

Dear Em

I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like your cousin is a very special person close to your heart and I can't imagine the pain you're going through at the moment. It think it was wrong for your family not to be honest about how ill she was as you did not have the time to prepare as much as you could have for the awful news.

Her two year old girl is still part of your family and her dad owes it to her to make sure as many people who were close to your cousin allow her to grow up with a sense of knowing what a wonderful person her mother was.

I like to think that those we have lost can still hear us when we speak to them in our minds, our hearts or aloud. Keep the communication open and her memory alive.

*cuddles* keep strong.

Sophie.x

AllButWanted · 03-01-2015, 11:15 PM

Thank you for your kind words. I have spoke to her husband and he said to me i was silly to even think he wouldn't let me see her. He even said if he can he will try and visit me with her at the hospital i am in even though it will be a long drive for him which is nice.
I often find myself at night talking to the picture i sleep next to of her but i feel so silly doing that. I want to be able to talk to the staff here about how i feel but i am finding it so hard. How do i bring the subject up with them? I think they feel i am coping with it a lot better than i am
Em
xx