Family problems

Albus Dumbledore · 28-12-2014, 08:50 PM

Okay, so a bit of background: my parents are divorced (14 years ago) and they have 4 children between them. I have two older brothers (B and S) and one younger who has learning disabilities (E). My oldest brother (B) got married about 2 years ago and moved with his wife (J) from the UK to the west coast of Canada. They have a baby together and one more on the way.
My mum emails B and J every couple of weeks. J is okay at getting back to my mum, but it usually takes a few days. B hardly ever gets in contact with our mum, but him and J skype with our dad once a week. This obviously upsets her, but she doesn't want it to show too much. We emailed a couple of times over christmas and boxing day but neither B or J got back to us.
My oldest brother has not contacted me in months, but I have spoken to J a couple of times over facebook, mainly to ask about addresses and presents for my neice etc. I am pretty upset with B because I don't understand how he can speak to our dad every week, but couldn't even spare 5 minutes for our mum on christmas or boxing day. If I find out that he skyped with our dad I will be really hurt because our younger brother misses him and was disappointed not to speak to B and J.
I just got home from work and my mum has posted a long status on facebook about how she had a lovely christmas with her 3 children and not to bother about close family that don't feel they have the time to call etc. J will probably see this and tell B.
I don't know whether I should email B and tell him that mum is upset and he should call her, leave the situation and just carry on speaking to J occasionally and see B whenever he can be bothered to come back and see us, or to stop talking to him altogether and just send money for my niece on christmas and birthdays or put money into an account for her to have when she is 18.
I just feel really hurt because I used to idolise him. He is 10 years older than me and now I feel like I don't even know him. I always shy away from confrontation, and my family is ordinarily pretty chilled, so I have no idea how to deal with this. Advice please?

Sooty · 28-12-2014, 10:00 PM

Hi Ella,

Firstly I don't think you should stop talking to him altogether. It seems like B is the one with the issues with your mother and since you and S and E I assume live with your mum, you kind of come as a package. I think J is key in your family dynamic in being the sensible person between you and B and perhaps emailing J about how you feel about B and how your mum feels about B would be a good thing.

I know you don't like confrontation however you might find that as you're not going to be dealing with this face to face, it may go smoother than you think. B needs to do a lot of explaining about why he is treating you and your mum and brothers like this and you need to make it crystal clear about how you feel. You have the advantage of email and writing to sort this out so there won't be any 'she said this' 'no I didn't' etc.

I think you need to be blunt and to the point. It must be hard enough for your mum to not be physically involved with her own granddaughter without this rejection from her son.

Perhaps you can suggest a regular 'appointment' for B and your mum to skype? My other half's mum calls every Thursday around 7 and although I find it a bit odd and regimented, it means that they have that connection and catch up every week as part of regular life.

Sophie.x

Kiwinoz · 29-12-2014, 12:17 AM

My dad passed away when I was Four due to being sick. My brother was 6yo and I was 4 y/o and for the past 23years My Brother treated our Mother badly and didn't really talk to Her. She would never stand up for Herself and do things He would always want. Then She would come to Me all frustrated and down saying She can never win. Until One day I just had to let my emotions and strong meaningful voice out.( the disappointed tone your mother gives you) about everything from beginning to end.
I never liked confrontation either so I had My Mum and Brother facing each other at the table One Night and I told Him how would You feel if Mum died Tomorrow. You would feel horrible and proberly regret how you acted Towards Her all these years you would just be hurting yourself. He agreed and I said so you do know this family is upset we all can't have everything the way we want. There's was silence. Put yourself in Her shoes and imagine if your Son did the same thing to You when your older. He just sat there for 10 minutes looking angry and wanted to leave. I sat there with my arms crossed no emotion to any of them just waiting for a reply but he burst out crying for ages letting out all his emotions he built up for years!.
I should've done it years ago. After that it's been like new family bonding ever since. Sorry about my story but I think you have to be ready to talk to Him be firm and gentle express how You feel first and how it affects You. see if He can make a mends and be strong if he hangs up on you let him be for a while He obviously will be thinking about it after your phone call. Some people take things more worse than others unfortunately.
Family is the main important thing and we never have enough family. GL x