Triggering (SI) - i'm tired

[whoops]

i wish i didn't have to think anymore.

i'm tired of scaring myself with my thoughts
i'm tired of feeling so bad
i'm tired of the constant sick feeling in my stomach
i'm tired of being reduced to tears
i'm tired of the pain of breathing
i'm tired of the weight of my body everytime i move
i'm tired of pretending to my roommate that this time is just like all the rest
i'm tired
i'm tired of my paranoia - thinking everyone hates me
i'm tired of hating myself
i'm tired of thinking that one day i will be happy
i'm tired of living with the knowledge that my happiness is always followed by depression
i'm tired of trying to walk the tightrope between my highs and my lows
i'm tired of falling off the tightrope
i'm tired of failure
i'm tired of failure being followed by more failure
i'm tired of the disappointment in other peoples eyes

i wish i just didn't exist anymore. a button pressed and everything turned off. no end because there wasn't a start.

[butterfly525]

I'm sorry you feel that way. I can definitely relate. I don't really know what to say, I guess you just have to keep fighting, as hard as that may seem. If not for yourself, then do it for the people you care about. And let them help you get through this. I hope things look a little brighter soon. *hugs*

[whoops]

things get better things get worse, i have been stuck in the same cycle for 10 years and now that i see how i am hurting my friends, i only see one way to stop doing that.

[butterfly525]

Are you getting help for your depression? Like medication or therapy?

How are you feeling now?
Please keep posting if it helps
Take care of you
xx

[whoops]

i don't take prescribed medication... i made this decision with my doctor after long discussions she agreed to support me with the way i want to deal with this.

that was four years ago - took me ages to adjust to life without pills - i carried the box around for ages even tho it was empty. two years ago my job brought me to japan and have never sought any kind of help here...

i despair of the mental health system and social care system in the UK but in japan it is nonexistent. i come home to england on a regular basis and see a doctor (i mean six monthly) - but because i am not resident anymore it is difficult to get anything more than a general check up.

today i feel more sick. very sick. which i think means the numb feeling is going away - i don't know if that is a good thing or not.

if i focus really hard i can make everything go white. my vision, my hearing, nothing exists. but i can't do it for long, and when the real world returns it is just as painful as it was before.

today is d-day - lots of deadlines... my bankrupt company will make an announcement on whether or not they will pay the last 3 months pay (i haven't been paid since august), and depending on that i will find out if i will make it back to england for chirstmas. i am being evicted today - my company didnt pay the rent. my ex girlfriend is being gracious enough to help me move despite the traumas i loaded onto her last week. so i have to look her in the eye and face the reality of what i did, what i can't take back.

my new insurance company will contact me to tell me whether they will cover my depression as part of my health coverage.

big day. i just want it to be over.

[butterfly525]

Oh that's awful that you have to deal with all that. I don't really know what to tell you, but I hope that you get paid and you can go home for Christmas.

Feel free to PM me if you need to talk about anything. *big hugs*

[~*forever_broken*~]

No words hunni... I've just got nothing...but I'm sorry everythings so crap right now :s. Please take care.
*hugs*
Much love
Alyssa

[whoops]

ha.
typical.
bankrupt company decided to string us out a bit more, so i have to wait until thursday before they make me unemployed and therefore entitled to benefits.

made it to my new apartment... and moved in. spoke to the ex and she is being super nice about everything. one good thing today.

i have a really annoying roommate (to quote her "whatever jennie, depression is the common cold of mental health problems"... nice!). today she got a new job and i have to go to her party and smile for her. joy.

in general i am still feeling terrible, but i am feeling a little better - although ready to bite my roomies head off... thankfully she is the old roomie, not the new one.

grr.