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Hurt by my husband *may be triggering*
I don't usually venture on these forums unless I'm desperate, I'm 25 years old and use to self-harm through my teen years, I've got depression, anxiety and undiagnosed bipolar disorder.
I'm a mum, with 3 kids, 6,5 and 2. I'm a wife and a hard worker around the home. My husband and I have been married for nearly 5 years now, I love him, he has always been loyal and honest with me. He was one of the most honest people I knew.
Less then 2 weeks ago an "online" friend of mine I've known for many years now told me out of the blue that last year my husband asked her for a topless photo, she sent me the conversation (well part of it). Obviously very hurt and shocked I instinctively rang my husband who was at work at the time and questioned him. He admitted to it, said he was very upset about it, he was drunk and that he has regretted it ever since. I asked him on the phone if this was the only incident like this and he said yes. When he got home I asked again and he said no that he also happened with a complete stranger too. Fortunately none of these women gave him an actual picture, and when I asked him about what he would have done with it if he got the pictures it almost made me vomit in my mouth.
I know some couples happily watch porn together or separately but for us and our morals this is not something we see as acceptable in our marriage, we prefer to keep it that any sexual needs are forfilled by each other.
Ever since this happened I don't feel like I can trust him anymore, I lost my friend over it, her reasons for bringing it up a year later were pathetic and she thought she was innocent in it but I later found out that she was encouraging him aswell.
I feel so betrayed by them, and due to his hesitation to tell me about the other incident I'm worried other things have or might happen. Just yesterday he went to the bottle shop to buy 2 gifts for his friends, he came back to the car and said the price, it was high, infact more then he spent on me for Christmas. When we got home about an hour later he took 2 other bottles out of his pocket which were also for his friends. He said that's why it was so pricey because he got them 2 things each. I said why didn't you just say that to begin with and he said he was scared I'd be upset. It hurts me even more that he hesitated to tell me.
I never left him or threatened to with any of this, I never even raised my voice at him. I'm scared these sort of things are going to keep happening and I'll lose him. At the same time I've totally blamed myself. He told me "friend" he was sexually deprived! Since reading that I have practically had sex with him everyday because I'm scared if I don't keep him sexually satisfied he's going to run off with somebody else. He said he'd never do anything in person, but isn't this just the first step, I never thought he'd do this either but now he has, so what next?
I'm trying to be strong for my kids but this has knocked me off my feet, I don't see my councillor for a couple of weeks due to Xmas break and I'm dying to seek her advice, she's counselled us both before and I'm thinking that might be necessary again now.
I just wish I had somebody to tell this to, I've kept it to myself minus only a handful to "protect" him from judgement from our family and friends. But I'm the one who has it all bottled inside and nobody there to give a sh*t about me. I have to admit that since it has happened I've had thoughts of cutting and suicide. It has left me feeling so worthless and not good enough. I wish somebody could tell me it's all ok. Because I'm so afraid.
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