I don't usually ask for support on here but I've got no one else or anywhere else to turn to so...
Recently my moods have gone so low, I've never felt so depressed before. I want to kill myself whenever I feel depressed. Now all I do to cope is cut myself on a regular basis as compared to only once every two weeks more or less before my moods dropped to the lowest of the low.
Im so depressed I spend most of my time lying in bed trying to sleep, which I've never experienced before. College and work is a drag now, never been such a burden in the past.
Back to spending most of my time lying in bed...its like i feel so depressed it makes me tired, which I haven't had in the past. The other day I was feeling so depressed I curled up in my bed and went to sleep during the day despite getting ten hours of sleep that previous night.
I cut myself deeper than before and more often than before. At work, the uniform is short sleeved so I used to cut myself on the lower part of my shoulder so it would be hidden; but that didn't give enough relief so I started cutting myself on arm. Now Im starting to get visible cuts and scars appearing more and more as times passes.
I made another doctors appointment for the 25th after college...but it seems forever away I don't now how to cope until then and theres no other available appointments that don't collide with work or college. My case isn't serious enough to be considered an emergency to get an "asap" appointment; which is fair enough.
Last time I went to the Doctors was around March and I got referred onto CAMHS. I received cognitive behavioural therapy which to be honest, didn't really do anything. I started to self harm for my first time during the stages of the therapy. They didn't know I self harmed because I lied to them and always said no when they asked me if I had been hurting myself.
I don't want to be referred back to CAMHS again as the only treatment as that would be a month or more wait to hear back from CAMHS and i don't know how I would cope for a month. CAMHS told me I was close enough to depression diagnosis and receiving medication so therapy would be easier to understand and use. Didn't get any medication then, but I'm probably at that stage now.
So I would only want to go back to therapy if i received some form of medication because I have little time to spare with college and work all week long. Otherwise, therapy would just be a waste of time when I could be at work making money or at college studying.
Ultimately, Im just hoping for some form of medication because I want to kill myself every moment I feel depressed and I want to cut myself all the time and most of the time after I cut I want to keep cutting because one cut isn't enough relief. It feels like medication is the only escape from this torment.
Last edited by Captainshiny : 17-11-2014 at 12:20 AM.
Reason: removed tip sharing
If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do, what I'm about to do today?
I'm so sorry to hear that you feel so low and are having such a difficult time coping. If you need someone to talk to right away have you tried calling The Samaritans? You should be able to do a Google search to find the number (I don't know if I can post phone numbers here).
Do you have friends that you could hang out with during the day or something that you still enjoy doing like going to the movies or something to help pass the time?
At least for me looking at things a month ahead of time isan't something I can deal with but going one day at a time seems to help. Maybe that would help you? I can relate to having to wait a long time it's hard.
Hi not sure how old you are but you seem to mention the CAMHS quite a lot, but also mentioned your in college, normally by the time you reach 18, you are transitioned to Adult services, and no longer access CAMHS.
I sympathise & empathise with how your feeling, I felt like that when I was in School, I took street drugs to keep myself awake, it didn't help, it just gave me more added problems.
That dark depressed place is one of the things I found hardest to deal with, I like you wanted to turn my focus to medication to help me, I have been on so many different meds I've lost count, none of them ever really helped much, & some have made me severely ill, so please be aware that although they may help they do also have side effects.
If you are going to be cutting more just be aware of your safety, make sure you have first-aid supplies, and if your cutting deeper than usual ensure you have a means of contact for emergency treatment & stitches if you need them.
I'd try & encourage you to go as long as you can without cutting, try & distract yourself, with College studying, Work, or other distractions, Games, TV, or the distractions found here on the forum.
Remember your not alone with your feelings as we're here & most of us have experienced similar feeling at some stage or other, try & stay safe (hugs)
If you really feel the need to talk to someone by phone you can use freephone helplines (from a landline, or public call box), there are a few out there,
Free telephone and email helpline finding young people the best help whatever the problem. Can connect a child or young person to any UK helpline where appropriate.
Breathing Space is a free, confidential phone line for people in Scotland who are experiencing low mood or depression. Breathing Space is available to the public every day of the year, 24 hours at weekends (6pm Friday–6am Monday) and 6pm-2am (Monday-Thursday).
For anyone in N.Ireland who is in distress or despair. Immediate help on the phone 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Face to face counselling can be arranged, also befriending, and mentoring. Issues dealt with include suicide prevention, self harm, abuse, trauma, depression, and anxiety.
Run by Contact N.Ireland http://www.contactni.com/ independent counselling service employing professional qualified counselors who have extensive experience of working with people facing a wide range of problems, free to all users.
We'll still be here too if you want to talk, but thought these might be of help/interest stay strong (hugs)
Hope your doing ok, I just wanted to let you know we're still here if you decide you want to talk, you said you have a GP appointment booked for the 25th, so your probably going to feel like it's a never ending wait, but just try and stay strong, I really do hope things go well for you with the GP
I've been wanting to cut since last night but the only thing stopping me is that I would have fresh cuts and have to be wearing short sleeved shirts. Will probably just go ahead with it Friday night when I finish for the week...
If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do, what I'm about to do today?
Hi, try not to overthink, I know this time of year is always difficult, for any of us who Self Harm, because we think about the people we've lost, who aren't with us any more, more than any other time of year.
I don't know if you like Art or Photography, but there is a website I'm a member at if you do like Art that might inspire you, a good distraction this time of year is, making/designing christmas cards, there are even competitions, check out deviantart http://www.deviantart.com/ they also have the holiday card project, it's a card making project where we make cards to send to children who are unfortunate enough to have to spend Christmas in hospital http://madizzlee.deviantart.com/jour...2014-494150825 (hugs)
A lot of times depression is rage directed towards the self. Sometimes kids are bullied, and they get so angry and then so guilty that they can end up killing themselves for relief.
Well I hope the Sertraline work for you, I've been on them before, but had to stop them because of side effects, but everyone is different, good luck, it's probably too early to tell yet if their having any effect, sounds like you have a good doctor who listens to you too
i am so sorry you have been feeling so down lately, no one deserves that kind of feeling. i know you have so much good lying ahead of you that you dont see yet. but i promise, youre strong enough to fight through this so you will be able to see all the good.
now, wanting the medication is honestly a good thing. but i understand the processes of not only getting everything set up, but building up he courage to do so. i say it is definatly something to try out, but also used with other coping skills.
whatever you may have interest in now, or in the past, chace after doing it now. whether its painting, reading, sports, something musical, doing your hair or makeup or anything in between, try using that as another way to cope. it'll help in little ways whether you are on medicine or not,
i promise you can get through this. im here anytime you need someone. stay strong
