Changing course. This course is making me ill.

[Steel Maiden]

I talked to my dad on the phone after yet another day of breaking down and self harming. The Spies are back and I'm sleeping with a knife next to my bed tonight.

I have done a full first year of pharmacology and I have done one module of the second year ("general and systematic pharmacology" I blelieve it was called).

This current repeat year of my biochemistry module is HELL. Every day I have meltdowns, self harm and crying. I hate this course. If I were to get to next year it would also be hell, not the sort of modules I'd like to do at all.

My dad and I decided that changing course may be the best thing to do, as I'm showing signs of an impending relapse.

But I don't know what course I can do. I am really good at medical topics, but medicine would not be possible as a degree due to my past sectioning incidents and mainly because of my autism. I have loads of books on forensic science / pathology and I love reading them, but forensics isn't really an option if I have autism, or is it?

I haven't had a major relapse for three years. That was also the last major incident I had with the police.

I have loads of books on medicine and forensics and some combining them.

What do I do with my life?????

[Elmer]

Would you consider studying with the Open University? I've seen you around and you seem to enjoy self-directed study and there is likely to be less face to face contact if that is part of what causes you distress.

[Steel Maiden]

That's a good idea. I'll have a look at their website.

Although I worry that my autism just limits everything I want to do.

[Steel Maiden]

I feel like I'm throwing four years away.

[sherlock holmes]

I know you really don't want to entertain this idea, but do you think studying in general is causing you so much stress? If I remember correctly you've changed uni and course a couple of times before and it's not worked out because it was making you unwell. What about for now at least not studying for a while, and finding something else to do that won't cause you so much stress?

Can you work on your autism in the meantime and focus on reducing the behaviours and learning how to cope in different situations so that in the future you could go back to uni or look at getting a job?

[Steel Maiden]

I am not sure about studying. On one hand it gives me something to do, a focus and I like reading textbooks. On the other hand it can get stressful.

However I emailed a support worker and she said that she will ask my student support worker to contact the uni about getting me a study buddy (ie one of the other students in my group) that I could go through lectures with, with the support of my support worker to facilitate communication.

My severe anxiety is the problem here. When I am severely anxious or having a meltdown, logic goes away and all I see is "everything is bad". I took clonazepam over an hour ago and now I am calm. I am studying a bit online and I'm not freaking out. Obviously I cannot take clonazepam often. So I'm going to talk to my psychiatrist about a meds increase or an addition of a sedating antidepressant.

I will have a think about uni over the weekend and then discuss it with my student support worker at uni on Monday.

[Pi.R^2]

I agree with Lio that the open university is something you might want to look into.

Also, I get the impression that you love learning, but have particular interests that aren't always the same as the module you are studying, so I just wanted to mention that even if you decided that being an official student isn't the best option for you right now, it doesn't mean you can't study, and in fact would mean that you would be free to read about whatever topic you want to, whenever you want to!

[Steel Maiden]

Thanks both.

My support worker and I went to the disability services yesterday and they're going to try and organise a "study buddy" for me so that I know what I'm doing.

I agree - being a student for me is productive stress. I would be depressed without structure and a goal.

The OU is an option however if I get really ill or something else bad happens.

I am seeing my psychiatrist today so hopefully something good will come out of it. My support worker will be coming with me so he will advocate for me (he knows how stressed and anxious I am).

I am trying to keep in the mindset that getting top marks is not mandatory and that people won't think I'm stupid if I get a lower mark. I managed to realise that properly last night.

[tiptoes]

I hope the appointment with your psychiatrist goes ok today.

Would it help to work out what proportion of your final mark each module is? I have a tendency towards perfectionism and used to find it difficult if I didn't get high scores. There were a few exams I didn't do so well in during my degree because of how my course was structured they didn't do too much damage to my overall average and I still managed to graduate with a good degree classification.

I hope the study buddy helps you, I understand the productive stress thing. I'm now on a demanding course and yes it is stressful but it also full of positives it is about finding ways to make the most of the positives and minimise the impact of the stress. Hopefully your support worker and disability services can help you with this.

[Steel Maiden]

That makes a lot of sense. I'll get my course proportion percentages for each module and work out how well I really need to do in each. Good idea.

Study buddy will be good.

Thanks.

[Steel Maiden]

My experience with UCL hasn't been great on their part. Most of my support is in place because I demanded and pushed for it. Some of the lecturers are somewhat disorganised too.

Thanks.