wanting to punish myself and ideas to cope?

[teal]

me and my best friend are barely talking. i text her and she sends me one-word messages or doesn't continue a conversation. I talked to her about my problems and she basically turned me off. last night i cried so hard because i thought i was losing her and it took me forever to not pick up my weapons of self-harm from my drawer and hurt myself. my therapist wants me to give them to her, but i need them as security blanket... what to do when punishing myself is the only thought on my head? I heard pierce the veil until i had a headache from loud music, after hearing sad songs for a while and crying like a little baby. and it was mid-night, on a school day so had to sleep. what to do? i know i handled it well, but in case it happens today i'm not sure i'll be as strong.

[waytorecovery]

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through with your friend. It's really not right of her to shut you out that way after you opened up to her. It takes a lot of courage to open up to someone in that way. I must ask, why is it that you want to punish yourself? You didn't do anything wrong at all. You're having a hard time right now and you've been so brave and so strong. You should reward yourself, not punish yourself. I know that it isn't what you feel like doing, but if you take care of yourself and do something you like you will feel better afterwards and be glad you did it. Treat yourself. Eat your favourite food or take a bubble bath. Snuggle up in blankets and watch your favourite movie. Do something you enjoy. Care for yourself like you would a small child and see how it makes you feel. How does that sound? I hope everything works out for you soon Xx

[teal]

Quote:

Originally Posted by waytorecovery

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through with your friend. It's really not right of her to shut you out that way after you opened up to her. It takes a lot of courage to open up to someone in that way. I must ask, why is it that you want to punish yourself? You didn't do anything wrong at all. You're having a hard time right now and you've been so brave and so strong. You should reward yourself, not punish yourself. I know that it isn't what you feel like doing, but if you take care of yourself and do something you like you will feel better afterwards and be glad you did it. Treat yourself. Eat your favourite food or take a bubble bath. Snuggle up in blankets and watch your favourite movie. Do something you enjoy. Care for yourself like you would a small child and see how it makes you feel. How does that sound? I hope everything works out for you soon Xx

Thank you, I appreciate it. I'll try it.
It's just that it's probably my fault, she started acting this way because university (i am in, she's not... she's kinda upset she wasn't able to graduate high school) got in the way and i didn't have time to text her every single day and she thought i didn't care so yeah, it's kinda my fault. Also i'm "recovering" from an ED and it just feels like i'm not bad enough to recover, so it's a mixture of things i think. I'm wanting to punish myself because i lied to her about my recovery, because i didn't talk to her enough, because she's depressed and i can't help her, because uni isn't going as i wanted, because i'm losing her and it's my fault, because i'm a bad friend. That's how i'm thinking and i know it's wrong but it never stops.

[Pi.R^2]

I don't know if this anything similar to how you feel, but when I used to self-harm it was often related to punishing myself. If I made a mistake socially I would feel the overwhelming need to punish myself through self harm, and even two years into recovery I still have urges to cut in order to punish myself. One day I literally had the lightbulb moment that no matter how much I had annoyed or offended someone, they would not want me to hurt myself as punishment. Even someone who couldn't stand me still wouldn't want me to do that as penance and when I think about it like that, it makes the urges somewhat easier to deal with.

I have no idea if that will help at all, but wanted to share just in case!