Feeling really different from others?

[ParanormalChickenGeek]

More so lately than ever, I've been feeling really 'different' to others. I've felt this way for a few years, mainly since being an adult, but notice it a lot more recently.

It's quite difficult to explain, but in particular when I'm around a group of friends I'll just sit there and think; 'I'm really not like them at all'. It's not that I don't like my friends, they're amazing, I just feel so different and like there isn't really anyone else like me. I think about my thoughts and the things I do eg: the sad music I listen to, the way I'm so lazy and lie in bed until late afternoon on my days off and the extremely negative thoughts I have and I just get quite fixated on the fact that my friends and others I know don't experience these things, and if I let any of my thoughts/feelings 'leak' out (usually when drunk!) others are quite surprised and don't identify with what I say.

I guess part of it is that I have to be 'fake' in many aspects with others, I have to plaster a smile on my face and fake confidence when I'm really not feeling it and my friends like 'that' person. Whilst I'm sitting there laughing and smiling along with them I just ruminate inside my head about the fact that I'm just not anything like them!

Sorry for rambling; I don't think this is really making much sense, but I wondered if others get these thoughts? It really gets me down and I feel quite isolated and 'weird' I guess. It's stopping me from getting closer to any of the new friends I've made at work as I just feel like basically if I show them the 'real' me, they'll ultimately think I'm a weirdo because I'm so different!

[Amaranth]

I feel exactly the same! Often the more depressed I am the more different and 'apart' I feel, but it's always there to some degree. It can be so tiring having to keep that mask in place and pretend to people all the time but I feel I can't show anyone the real me.

[Mihashi]

I have a question here, and it stems from how you've been drunk and let things leak out:

Do they like the real you at all? Or do they only like the fake you?

[ParanormalChickenGeek]

Erm.... They don't 'not' like the real me, but like I said they don't identify with me. For example if I'm drunk and start to express negative and depressive thoughts they're just like 'aww don't feel like that' and don't really understand what I'm saying/thinking, and just kind of look at me all confused as to why the usually 'happy' and 'confident' me is saying these things.
I guess I feel like they'll think I'm a weirdo. I would never ever tell them about self harm etc, bar my best friend of 10years who knows everything, she's the only exception to all of this but unfortunately she lives over 100 mile away! None of my newer friends/colleagues have a single clue.

[tiptoes]

I feel a bit like this too at times, a bit like there is residual symptoms of depression that are around when I'm ok/ learnt behaviours from periods of low mood and friends that haven't experienced mood issues don't really understand.

Do you think you could talk to any of these things to these friends when you haven't had a drink? Sometimes people can hear you better when drink isn't involved.