I got ill and now I feel like I can't be alive any more (emetophobia)

[sherlock holmes]

We suspect it was food poisoning. Anyway, me, my brother and my boyfriend all got severe vomiting and diarrhoea on Wednesday evening. I won't go into details but I was begging my mum to kill me.

As a result of being sick I missed my psych meds for about two days. I take trazodone for depression and anxiety, and pregablin for anxiety. I've been taking my pregabalin today, and will take my trazodone tonight.

Last night I was in tears. I felt suicidal, being ill was so awful and it just triggered off so much anxiety. I don't feel like I can go back to work because I'm scared of getting ill. I don't think I even got sick from work, but now I can't stop thinking that it would be so easy to get ill there, after all I handle money all day and so many different customers come through touching stuff.

Work was so unsympathetic when I rang in sick. It made me cry.

I am wracked with doubts about everything. I was placed in the support group shortly before I got my job, only I didn't find out until I accepted the job. I was told by a few people, including my CPN, that I might have rushed into getting too many hours and that the better idea might have been to stay in the support group and only work a few hours. Now I'm scared that I won't be able to work, and I'll have lost the safety net of the ESA support group. I've only got a couple of months until the ability to make a rapid reclaim ends.

My mum got ill tonight and I hid in the kitchen crying and panicking. My brother helped out, and I was so pathetic hiding away. If he hadn't been here tonight I'd have still hid away and what if my mum choked and died? I can't believe I am such an awful person. I'd be a horrible mother- if my own child got sick I wouldn't be able to deal with it.

I know this all sounds so stupid, and I feel so low and tired. This sickness has completely wiped me out. I'm expected to go back to work on sunday and honestly I know I'll need a few more days to feel good again. I've still barely eaten and it's coming up to 2 days since I was last sick.

I see my GP monday and I will probably just rant at him and say how awful I feel. I'm half hoping he'll say I should get a job with less hours. I don't know.

Sorry this turned into a mess.

I'm not really suicidal. This doesn't need to be in serious. I just feel scared.

[Wonderland.]

That sounds really distressing for you all to go through.

What has helped in the past with the Emetophobia?

Would using anti-bac gel after touching things help?

I know you are quite likely scared to have much food, given your bad reaction to it. But try and make sure you are well hydrated, and nibble on plain foods like toast and crackers.

[sherlock holmes]

In the past I guess just waiting for the fear to go. But it can take months or years to feel 'normal' again. And now we're coming up to winter the news will be full of stories about the vomiting bug and I'll get scared all over again. I do have some anti-bac gel that I've been using, and washing my hands regularly.

I've been drinking water and having bland things like plain toast and weetabix. I feel quite hungry now, so perhaps tomorrow I can try some cereal for breakfast.

As my meds are getting back in my system I feel pretty drowsy, and my skin is reacting badly (to god knows what). I keep flaring up in rashes/hives which was the main reason for seeing my GP monday.

I feel like my body is falling apart.

[Wonderland.]

Glad you have managed something to eat :)

Do your meds help you with the anxiety that arises from the Emetophobia?

Do you think going to your GP will help reassure you a bit about your health?

Sorry for all the questions!

[Tig]

Hi Sarah,

I'm very sorry to hear how poorly you have been. I can relate a lot to your post with having emetophobia myself and can certainly appreciate how long it can take to feel 'okay' after a bug.

I'm really proud of you for eating a little bit yesterday. It's far from easy!

Last time I was unwell, I drank quite a bit of flat coke after a couple days which seemed to help settle my stomach and then built my food up gradually. I was very anxious but I tried to re-affirm to myself that this was something that I needed to do.
Would your boyfriend or Mum be able to help you with re-affirming that it's okay to eat and that you are safe?

Be gentle with yourself. You've been through a very traumatic time for somebody with emetophobia and you need to allow yourself to have sometime to recover from both the physical side of the illness and the mental health side.

<3 x

[sherlock holmes]

Thanks guys. Been able to eat more today which is good, I just feel really low still.

I had to ring my manager again to let him know I won't be in tomorrow still and again he was really short and abrupt with me. It made me feel like crap again, and he probably either thinks I'm lying or he just doesn't give a ****. It still hurts though!

Feeling physically unwell still, not really nauseous, but very lethargic and having some headaches, still some diarrhoea, and getting hot flushes. Last night had very bad tremors to the point my jaw nearly locked up and my whole body was shaking. I was really scared. I thought it might be because my medication got all messed up when I was ill.

And now my skin is flaring up again and it's all tight, red and itchy and I feel so fed up.

Seeing my GP monday so at least I can speak to him about a few things and get a sick note for work.

Still feeling like I want to quit because of the manager.

[Cacoethes]

sorry you're still feeling so horrible Sarah <3
I'm glad you've been able to eat a bit more though.

Do you think work is getting too much for you?
How are you feeling at the moment?

[sherlock holmes]

I just had a mini freak out and self harmed very lightly, but I feel better after a lovely phone call.

I should probably stop thinking about work until Monday really.

I don't know if it's too much for me or not. I mean, I thought I was doing okay, I even worked 6 days in a row but looking back I felt on top of the world and I was buzzing. Maybe I was up, and now the crash has come?

I don't know what to do really. A big part of me just wants to quit, I've done it so many times before. Another part things maybe I'd do better with less hours, it sounds sensible, but I don't know if they'd let me do that. It'd probably have to go to HR and OH and I'd have to explain it all to the manager I don't like.

[Cacoethes]

I'm glad you feel a bit better.
If you haven't been able to keep your medication down as well that won't be helping matters.

I can relate to the work thing. I started off really well but things got harder so have had to change my shifts. I'm not sure why but just wanted to let you know you're not alone with it!

A job isn't worth risking your health over. It's worth asking about less hours, the worst they can say is no.

[Aubergine]

I worked for the NHS as a nursing assistant after a period of time off work. I struggled with full-time, so they let me drop to three shifts a week, and I could have dropped more if I had wanted to. It's definitely worth asking HR. It's hard to explain things to people that you don't feel comfortable with, but it might be worth the discomfort if it got you a more manageable amount of work. :)

[Aardbei]

I'm sorry lovely :( Being sick is awful even when you're not afraid of it, so I can only imagine how tired you must be after everything.

I think you should take off as much time as you need, but I also don't think having a knee jerk reaction to an arsey manager and quitting is wise either. People in management positions do tend to be short when people call in sick as it's stressful for them - I used to get my head bitten off if I ever called in sick when I worked at a hospital on an older people's ward, where it would have been very dangerous for me to come in! I doubt he'll have been thinking maliciously, he was probably just stressing about the rota etc.

I know it will be hard, but I think having a chat about reducing hours or only working a set number is the way forward. You'll still have your job, which provides income, routine and a sense of purpose, and you can feel good for not quitting. If reducing hours doesn't work out, at least you know you gave it a try.

As I said on FB, my inbox is always open. I really hope you feel better soon x

[Snow White.]

Hi lovely.

I'm going to reply to a few things from here and there so I hope it's okay to follow. Again I'm sorry I didn't reply sooner but I wanted to get to my laptop so I could say as much as I wanted to (phone is hard to type on).

When I got ill I was also afraid to go back into work, even though I too had no evidence I got sick from there. For a while back I used hand sanitiser and then scaled it back a bit. Obviously if you're not too afraid and can go back without hand sanitiser that would be great but if you start with a little bit with a view of scaling the amount back you should be okay. If you do, plan how much you use and when you'll reduce and by how much, so you don't increase your use instead.

That said, I worked handling money, and in a children's store (ie less hygiene than their parents) for four yeas without getting ill. As long as you wash your hands before you put them in or near your mouth, nothing will get you.

I'm sorry your manager wasn't supportive. You did extremely well with calling in sick, it's best for you and the staff that you did, it's so unfair when people go in to work sick and spread it or cause hassle for others by leaving during shifts. There is a chance your manager was short with you because he was busy.

Also I'm really sorry to hear you self harmed. I understand you are in so much distress right now in a difficult physical and medical situation. I'm glad the phone call helped and that you've been able to eat a bit more. It sounds like you're on the improve physically.

Right now your judgement about work is probably clouded by how terrible you're feeling, so I think waiting until Monday to think about it is a good idea.

6 days in a row is a huge amount though so I do think that if you're going to continue a reduction, or saying no to extra shifts, is going to be needed to you can have a more balanced life.

How are you feeling about your emetophobia? I wanted to reassure you that after I got ill things got really bad for me in regards to my fear, but they have recovered. I used to have panic attacks about feeling sick but I can deal with it so much better and don't have them any more.

Keep going, each day brings you closer to getting better xx

[sherlock holmes]

Thanks for your replies!

I am feeling a lot better and more level headed this morning. I finally had a good night's sleep with no anxiety, and I've eaten properly this morning with no feelings of nausea, so I feel almost back to normal. Just have lingering fatigue that is probably the adjustment from my meds being back in my system.

I feel quite embarrassed over what happened last night, and at the same time really don't want it to happen again! I understand that I was really worn down from being ill, and Malison you're right I shouldn't make a knee jerk reaction to being ill and my manager. To be honest I find him a bit arsey all of the time (I don't think he's mean, he just has a way of talking that I am not used to and he can be very abrupt and no nonsense, because he cares about his job and the store which are great things!). I'm glad I took today off, though I know it's not good for everyone else because they'll be short, but I needed that extra day to recover. And, in my employee handbook there is a list of conditions you are not allowed to come to work with- of which vomiting and diarrhoea are listed, so really I know I was 100% right to call in sick.

I'm not due back in to work until tuesday morning. I see my GP tomorrow which is good because hopefully he can encourage me (he'll say the same as everyone here, that having a job is good for routine and mental health) and he'll probably just want me to see how I go before cutting hours or anything. Which is sensible. I'm just never in a sensible (or 'wise') mind when I am feeling emotional (I'll be in 'emotion mind'!).

Re the emetophobia actually it's not too bad. My anxiety isn't as high as I was worried it would be. I am washing my hands slightly more than usual, and that could be why they feel all tight with a rash on, but that should settle soon.

I know things are going to start getting hectic now with christmas coming up, and I need to remind myself that in january it WILL calm down again. Plus, thankfully, I was able to take a fair amount of holiday off between now and march so actually I have some really lovely rests and things planned (I am going to the cat cafe in London very soon!).

Thanks to everyone for helping me to calm down and think rationally. I'll update tomorrow after my GP appointment, and I'll also let you know how going back to work on tuesday goes.

[Aardbei]

I'm really proud of you - well done for the change in perspective :) x

[sherlock holmes]

Thank you!

I saw my GP this afternoon and explained everything. He right away knew I needed more time off, so he signed me off for the rest of the week and I'll go back to work on Sunday. He thought it was good that I am trying to have a job, he said to see how it goes over the next month or so and decide if I should continue, reduce hours and get back in the support group, look for a different job or not have a job. He'll support me with whatever, and he said none of those options equals a failure so that has reassured me. But I have to at least go back on Sunday and keep working for a while as he wants to see me in a few weeks so I can tell him how I am doing.