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A mash up of everything
I've come to the conclusion that it's me. I always feel like crap no matter what I do and I always think "It'll be different when.." but it never is. I always end up feeling the same crappy way. I'm not sure what this feeling is. Some times I just want to break down in tears, some times I don't feel anything, sometimes I feel everything, sometimes I feel numb. It's a mixture of everything but nothing good. When I was in school I thought it would be different in college, when I went to college it wasn't. I left college thinking that the job I was getting would be better, but it isn't. Some days I just want to stay in bed all day, some days it just ugh, I don't know. Some nights I sleep a lot, not many, most nights I cant sleep, have interrupted sleep or I just don't sleep at all. Some days I eat everything, no joke, some days I just forget to eat at all. but most days I just eat everything. My anxiety is getting worse but this feeling isn't my anxiety. My paranoia is getting worse but this feeling isn't my paranoia. I just cant put my finger on this feeling. This feeling consist of everything but nothing. Should I want to break down in tears in the middle of the day? I don't, sometimes it feels like the tears just don't come. Self-harming no longer helps me feel anything either. I am still clean for around a month or so. I used to be over a year clean but I relapsed. I have seen CAMHS once for my initial meeting thing. I didn't like that everyone knew you were there because there's something wrong with you. I didn't like that I was sat in a waiting room full with kids and their parents, feeling like they all knew I was there because I am crazy in the head, but also feeling that "I'm not this crazy, it's not this bad" I was quite open with the two people who spoke to me, but I haven't heard anything back. They said I am going to see a consultant to get put on meds. I'm not sure what this post is for but I just needed to get this out.
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