Hi Matt, I'm going to copy in your post because my brain isn't really working too well at the moment, and hopefully it'll make more sense. I wanted to reply because I will always remember the random PM you sent me at one point when I was struggling and it REALLY meant a lot to me.
Originally Posted by
Salazar
I'm really finding everything difficult right now. I feel exhausted all the time and my uni course is incredibly intense. I have to be up at 6:20 and then make a journey of an hour on the train tomorrow and I just don't feel like I have the energy mentally or physically. I'm learning shorthand and I'm really behind everyone because I get home and I'm just exhausted, too much so to practice. Then by the time it's the weekend I've lost ground on where we are. Then I've got law after and I'm not taking that in either.
It sounds like your course is very demanding and it's understandable that you're finding it hard after getting up so early and having such a commute. Shorthand is something that a lot of people struggle to learn, I know myself I had a look at it once but gave up. Tiredness will not help with this either. Is there anyway perhaps you could get back in the afternoon/evening and take a short planned power nap - set an alarm and then try to do some work afterwards? While you might lose some time for the nap, you might feel refreshed enough to at least get a little more done? I have found two levels of naps most helpful; either between 17 and 21 minutes, or 41 minutes, long. After these times, I find my brain is a little more alert. Do you have any reading weeks or breaks any time soon, perhaps you could plan that time to catch up on both sleep and work?
Originally Posted by
Salazar
But generally I just feel like why would anyone want to talk to me, why does anyone like me and why would anyone ever love me. My parents hate me at the moment and I don't really blame them but I'm not exactly getting on well with them either. My mum is just really patronising and controlling and we argue over stupid little things cos we're both tetchy. It's like when I was a teenager all over again where we would argue for hours and hours on end eventually leading to one of us walking out the house. She called me arrogant and selfish, which really isn't me at all. I don't do much at home because I just don't have any energy and cos I just don't want to be around my parents, I don't enjoy their company. I have a brother who is living with his fiancée but he never talks to me and I never see him and it just makes me sad. And then tonight my mum and I argued and she started talking about my dad (who is ill) and saying she'll never forgive me if I make the last few years of his life hell, meaning that I'm currently making them both feel like **** because I argue with my mum and I apparently snap at them both and am ungrateful and stuff like that. She wants me to leave home and often tells me this but A) I don't have the money and don't want to get into more debt and B) If I was totally alone by myself I'd just end up being completely depressed and even more alone and wanting to do stuff to myself. She doesn't quite grasp this and she doesn't understand the way I feel at all and that the way she talks to me just makes me feel even worse about myself and about my life. I genuinely don't see many redeeming features about myself and I hate myself and other people must and should hate me because I'm a horrible person who doesn't deserve to be happy.
It sounds like your family/home situation is really difficult at the moment. I would say that this might be exacerbated by the tiredness you're feeling too as this can make people a little more snappy etc. Would it help to talk to your mother about how much you're struggling with Uni and how tired you're feeling? Being honest might help her understand a little more about why you're not able to do much around the house. Would it help you to try and speak to your brother? I can empathise with having brothers having their own lives and not really speaking to them, both of mine live away from me and with their partners and I hardly speak to them unless we're all at my parents.
It can be hard to have an ill parent, and perhaps your mum is feeling extra stress from this. My dad is very ill too, and I've had family members bring up my behaviour in relation to it, but I'm sure your dad knows you care about him and wouldn't want him unhappy when he's got so much going on.
I don't believe you're a bad person at all. I have seen you around here a lot and you're always helping people out. You're trying your best right now and that's all anyone can expect from you. Please, try to be kind to yourself.
Originally Posted by
Salazar
I write about stuff for a Fanzine but I just feel like no-one cares what I have to say or what I write and no-one wants to read it. Which isn't true because it gets hits on the website and I'm doing quite a lot of media stuff related to the football club I support. Then I read articles by journalists in the Telegraph/Guardian etc and just think how on earth am I ever going to write that well about stuff? I can barely do anything at uni and I'm the Editor of the postgraduate paper which just feels like a waste of energy because it's only online and not in print and we're competing with the local papers who have significantly more time and resources.
When we're feeling low about ourselves, our belief in our work goes completely out the window. Can you try to write a list of reasons why these thoughts about the Fanzine aren't true? For example; a) it gets hits on the website, b) they haven't said they don't want you to write for them so you must be doing it right/they like it...etc.
At the end of the day, journalists for newspapers etc, had to start somewhere, and for things like the Guardian/Telegraph, they have years and years of experience. There are very, VERY few young journalists writing for these publications. While it might feel like you're in a losing battle with an online paper against the ones in print who have time/money/resources etc, it is still experience. Try to use it as a means to an end.
Originally Posted by
Salazar
Most of the time I feel sad and I look at my phone and there's no-one I can talk to. Some don't understand and some have things going on in their lives/are busy etc. My closest friend is a mental health nurse but she lives three hours away and it costs a bomb to go and see her. I feel like I don't have any friends either and I'm just so so so lonely. I have one person I can talk to in depth that isn't about football. But I don't have any confidence in myself either and I just don't know what to do with myself. I feel so so so numb most of the time and then when I don't I just feel horribly depressed.
It's terrible to feel so very alone and like you have no one to talk to. Particularly when the people you can talk to seem to only talk about superficial things. I can whole-heartedly say that you are always welcome to talk to me; either by PM or email/Facebook whatever or even by text if it would help you, because I know how terrible it is when you feel alone. You're such a caring person you deserve people to care about you too!
Originally Posted by
Salazar
I'm cracking under the pressure of uni, there's so much to do and so little time, and I can't be like oh can I take some time off cos my first exams are in a few weeks' time!
It just feels like there is no way out of how I feel and nothing is getting better. I'm just spiralling into a pit of despair. I keep wanting to harm myself and nearly did tonight but phoned my mate who was driving and so I was like I'll call you when you're not driving which was partly cos I then decided I didn't want to talk to anyone.
I'm just stuck and I feel so so so so so lonely it's horrible.
Would it help to speak to student services or student welfare to try to get some support from Uni themselves with how you're feeling? They know people struggle with courses and will have support they can offer you. Well done for not harming yourself and trying to call someone instead, it takes a lot to do that. I really hope you can believe that things can get better, because I believe in you.
x x x
