However, our relationships, due to a million factors, has become quite toxic, intense and unstable. I don't think it's healthy for either of us.
I know I should sit down and have a talk with her about it, but it will end up in a monologue of her shouting at me about everything she has done for me, how selfish I am, ungrateful I am, how I'll never find anyone better and so forth. Maybe some things will be thrown, maybe I might get a slap.
I can't be bothered for all of that drama. I understand it is fine for her to be angry, but I don't particularly want it directed at me.
Lately, I just want to be on my own. I don't want to be responsible for anyone else happiness, because I can't do it. I don't want to be obligated to do things that I don't want to do. I don't want support to be used as a weapon, like, if I've pissed her off, then she's not going to come with me to the drs or something. I just can't be bothered with the relationship.
I want to be on my own. I also can't be bothered being accused of cheating all the time if I'm scrolling through my twitter feed etc.
I can't do it. It's been on my mind for a long time, and I've always had the thought of "be sure" and try it for long rot see if you can overcome it together: but this time isn't working.
I'm also fed up of being dumped when she's angry and then she gets more angry when I have no emotional response - like she wants me to blubber and cry, but I've done that so many times already and Im not having the p**s taken out of me.
I want to be her friend, and be there for her. but I think she won't ever want to see me again: which hurts the most. But I think it's something I might have to let go of.
Considering the state of our relationship though, and to make sure I get my point across in a sensitive way, without saying something that I don't mean, that a letter is an OK way of doing this?
You have to sit down and talk to her. Whether that be in the scenario where you write the letter, say at the bottom "I'll be back on blah blah blah, at blah blah blah time to talk about this," when she's calmed down. When it was me and my fiancée wanted to split up with me, yes I was angry, yes I was upset, but when all that faded and we both got over the situation, I was actually grateful that she'd split up with me face-to-face. I don't think you can do something like this without the anger and the screaming, although of course if she hits you (or there has been violence in the past) you don't have to put up with that.
Maybe if I wrote the letter, and gave it to her, and was available to talk about it when she felt ready, whether that is straight away, or later or tomorrow? But if I am there when I give her the letter it allows me to say what I need to without being shouted over, or freezing up as I do. Maybe?
I'm trying to think of the best way, whilst also managing to not be shouted down before I've said what I need to. If that makes sense?
Quote:
you don't have to put up with that.
And I don't know how this work, if it happens, it happens. There's not much to do but take it or fight back, which never ends well.
I'd say writing a letter to explain things without shouting getting in the way and allow her to take everything is fine. But you need to be there when she reads it or she will feel even more betrayed and that she isn't worth more than a letter.
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
I think because no one else is in your relationship it's difficult to really know what is the best way. I think you have to decide what the best way is for you, if you think a letter is the best way to go about it then I would go with that.
If you go for the letter then I think writing in it that you will meet up if she needs to talk about it is a good call. A letter may help as well because then you can both talk through the points you have made and you will be aware of what you want to say etc.
When I broke up with my ex it was over the phone which was hideous but then we met up about a week later when it wasnt so fresh and it was much easier to cope with.
There are times to stay put, and what you want will come to you.
But there are times to go out into the world and find such a thing for yourself.
I aint no abacus but you can count on me.
I think, especially if there is a possibility of you getting physically hurt, that a letter is fine.
I've been dumped by letter before and yes it's horrible, but then so is any breakup and at least I was able to fall apart without him seeing! That guy is actually now a really close friend.
As said before, it's your relationship and you are the only one who knows what the dynamics of the relationship are. I do think it's a good idea to put in the letter that you will be available to talk if she wants, and be as honest but as gentle as you can. If you write a letter it will be much easier to explain exactly how you've come to your decision and exactly how you feel, and hopefully she'll have a chance to process it and calm down before talking to you.
Good luck with it, however you decide to go about it.
If a letter allows you to be able to explain in more detail than in person at this stage then it might be more effective. Its not to say you can't meet up in a few days or a week or two and have a talk about the letter and how you both feel.
It sounds like you need a break apart even if you are to remain friends for you to calm down and let emotions settle. If there is any risk of things getting as heated as you say, a letter sounds like a mature move given the accusations and the dramas you describe. I'm figuring your thought is that face to face will buy into the problem you have that is the reason you need to split up; the confrontations and toxic interactions.
I hope whatever you decide you manage to get your feelings across in a way that gives a clear and non-confrontational message and that your partner/ex responds in a positive way.
I think it is okay, but I might just be a selfish person. The way I see it, you are not responsible for anyone.else's happiness. You may want to include in your letter the reasons why you didn't want to do it in person.
I broke up with my ex husband over the phone, while he was in prison. He tried really hard to meet with me face to face, but the reality is I left him. At that point, the relationship is over, and I don't owe him anything. It was also a sitation where that was the safest option.
I wouldn't personally break up with someone by letter. Eventhough if it was on my mind for so long I would try my hardest to at some point take a quiet time out of my social life and let the person know how u feel without being too overbearing at first.
You can't make everyone happy. There will be people who can't make happy and u dont want anything bad happen to them whatever the reason. In ur situation u can't stay with someone if u dont feel the same about them. If ue unhappy then it's best to rather admit to them now how ur feeling then later on. You also want to respect ur partner in a way that isn't gonna make them not want anything to do with u anymore.
I know u said in ur thread that if u say them that u wanna break up they wont want anything to do with u. I'm the same as they are. I know when I've been with someone in the past and we ended up not seeing each other anymore I never wanted to remain friends and it isn't that I'm being spiteful but I can't nothing else to do with them if I once liked them. So I can completely understand if ur partner don't want anything to do with u. You have to respect that two.
The best thing u should do is pick a good time in speaking to ur partner when ur not busy and they arnt busy. Maybe going out for a quiet coffee somewhere or inviting them at urs is a good way of one to one conversation. You just need to stay to them that u feel that things have slightly changed in the relationship and ur not sure anymore if u can see urself in the long run continuing how u are feeling and say u for now want to be on ur own to have some space from this and this means that u dont want to commit to this relationship no more as its for the best for u and for them.
I think that's a good wag od explaining how u feel. Hopefully this will go down ok with them and they can understand in a way of how ur feeling and that it isnt anyone's fault but its just needing time to think about what u want as u need to put urself first. What do u think about saying that when u next see ur partner?
I hope it works out for the best with u and them. If they don't wanna remain friends then unfortunately u have to accept that. There's no more u can do. I know down the line u may end up talking again.
Thank You for all of your advice. Well I never got around to writing the letter, but we spoke/argued and it was OK.
I said that I couldn't cope anymore with the relationship, and then we spoke for hours, for a few days. We've made some compromises being that she doesn't dump me every time she's mad and not mean it. I asked her to write down for me all the things she might need when she's angry or very upset and I'm struggling to support her, or am obviously making her worse with my clumsy attempts. IT's more about her telling me what she needs instead of me trying to mind read and her getting frustrated that I'm no use at mind reading.
She said that 5 out of 8 of our stressors are related to our accommodation, which is true. So we decided to really stick it through until 6 months after we've been moved, and see how things are because a lot of the time we argue we've been stressed or triggered by something related to where we're living: then we take it out on one another.
And I've asked her to tell me what she needs from me more in general so that I can give that to her more, because otherwise I'm clueless and I try to show affection, and she still feels unappreciated and unloved. Which hurts.
And obviously, I'm going to have to take on board everything she says and writes r.e. what she needs from me.
*fingers crossed*
and if it's not working when it's just us and normal-ish stressors, then we decided that we'll mutually have to break it off.
Thank you for all of your advice though. I've found it really helpful knowing how other people think and feel in this situation, from either end of the situation.
Well done for talking to her and laying all your cards on the table so to say. It can't have been an easy conversation to have, so you've done well working through things with her.
It sounds like you're both willing to take steps in making communication better and explain things a little clearer which can only help with things.
I hope you're both able to take things on board and work through any problems.
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
I'm glad you've been able to really talk about everything, and writing things down so you're clear on what she wants from you is great and will hopefully help lots.
One thing I noticed though is that there seemed to be a lot of 'how to make your partner happy and know what she wants' which is great, but did you also talk about what you want? After all your wants and needs are just as important as your partner's.
X
We have been talking about her needs because I'm most useless at meeting them. She generally meets mine or is able to comfort and support me when I need it.
There are some needs left unmet, but she is more unwell than me lately, so I don't feel I can expect too much off of her so's to speak. I know though, that she is trying and she does so without it turning into a huge argument all the time, like she tries to do her washing more and tidy up a bit more because I get stress when the house is too messy etc.
So I think we're both trying equally at the moment.
She is also being more intimate with me which was something I was lacking before, just a dance to a song here and there, or a kiss. And I really appreciate it because I feel more connected to her from that. It's not even sex, it's just the connection, which can be gotten from a slow dance to a song or a kiss like I said.
