I (m, 18) have been suffering from food related issues for about two years now but no one seems to notice or to care, so I never know if I'm not just making this up. I've been going through phases where I was depressed or had severe mood swings since my early teenage years and I had a habit of skipping meals when I was upset because being hungry made me feel more in control of myself. Then in the last two years the combination of me having very low self-esteem and a few (not really that terrible) things happening developed into something which I am not sure is an eating disorder or not. I eat but I don't eat as much as I should eat and I'm underweight but not severly underweight. I'm not obssessed with the thought of losing weight but I'm scared of gaining weight and I need to stay underweight. My eating habits change from time to time but they're usually weird, for example there are lots of things I'm scared of eating, I hate eating in front of other people (I've been cancelling plans with friends because I couldn't deal with eating in their presence) and I always feel bad after eating. I've tried sticking my finger down my throat before but it didn't work. It's like I don't deserve food and I can't stop feeling bad about eating. I feel bad when I eat because then I feel like I'm out of control and a failure, I also feel bad when I don't eat because then I feel like I failed at being a "normal", mentally stable person. It doesn't matter what I do because I just feel like **** all the time and no one even seems to notice, which leads me into thinking that it can't be that bad and that I'm exaggerating. I think I need help but I can't ask for it because apparently no one else thinks that I have a problem. I went to see a doctor a few days ago and I told him that I think that I might be depressed but I did not mention my eating related problems because I kind of wanted to "test" if I'm thin enough for a doctor to notice that I have a problem. Apparently I'm not, so I'm back to wondering if I'm just makind this up. Everything just seems to go downhill and I don't know how to change it because I don't feel like I deserve help.
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Just because nobody has picked up on your eating habits and weight doesn't mean you're not sick. You can't expect people to notice if it's not something you've even mentioned. A doctor would expect you to raise it yourself if it's a problem. Can you book another doctors appointment to talk about it? It does sound like you have issues with food/weight/body image and it would be good to talk to someone about it.
The thing is, if no one cares, why should I care? I'm not even sure if maybe I'm just making things up, since no one notices anything. And I am scared of not getting taken seriously if I talked about this to a doctor. It was already hard to talk about the depression thing and the doctor started talking about how this was common among people my age and how society pressures us into thinking that we have to do well at school and whatever... and I wasn't really able to explain that this not my problem. I know I should try harder to get help but I just feel like I don't deserve it because my problems aren't even big enough to get noticed by the people around me.
We'll go down in history
Remember me for centuries
I think that people can miss the obvious, unfortunately. I also think that, as a male, as much as it is wrong and closed-minded, people may not immediately think of eating disorder. Until the most recent DSM, which just came out last year, only females could be diagnosed with anorexia nervosa as one of the diagnostic criteria was amenorrhea. This does not make it okay that people don't think of it right off, but I think that unless a doctor has knowledge of eating disorders specifically, it may mean you may have to take more initiative in getting help for your eating problems, which, from what you've said, are valid and you do deserve help for.
Just because no one has noticed does not mean that you are fine and there is no problem with your relationship to food and weight. I would really suggest seeing if you can schedule another appointment with your doctor. Perhaps, if it is hard for you to explain and since the doctor did not seem to validate your concerns about the depression, you could write things out ahead of time, including maybe some facts and/or statistics on eating disorders, in order to educate him or her.
You do deserve help and support, promise.
Last edited by Greyscale : 08-10-2014 at 09:01 PM.
hi there,
i just read your post and it really hit home. i am shaking just writing this because it's like you have written down my exact feelings and struggles. like you, my eating patterns have changed and no doubt about it worsened this year. i have also seen someone and asked for help, i even mentioned the eating problems and it was acknowledged and i was being told they would look for options (therapy etc.) for me but nothing ever happened. so i am sitting here and thinking: "this is all in your head there isn't a problem. it's perfectly fine you feel like killing yourself when you have eating a cookie. it's normal to count calories and work out 7 days a week."
and this commuity has helped me see the issue more clearly and that not other people, but you, know and decide whether you are healthy or not and when you feel like something is wrong, it is. there is no one out there but yourself who gets to acknowledge and know these things. there is no "not sick enough" or "not underweight enough". and i know that that's hard to acknolowgde :(
you can private message me anytime if you want. i hope you are staying strong and hanging in there.
like greyscale said, you deserve help. stay strong <3
Sometimes I wish I had never started questioning my behaviour because before I was aware of it being a problem, I actually felt much better than I did now. Since I've started trying to improve my eating habits everything seems to have escalated and I feel like it is getting worse every day. Before that it was simply a way of control my emotions, now it feels like I'm completely losing control. I know that I should really talk to someone but I don't know how to motivate myself to do so. I'm not very good at talking to people anyway, so doctor's appointments etc. are always difficult and talking about this specific topic even more. And even if I did, I really ask myself how anyone could help me. I just don't feel like there's any light at the end of the tunnel, it's just bleakness. I tried talking to people online before but it never worked out... because I was desperately looking for someone to reassure me in what I'm experiencing and telling me that I really DO have a problem but usually people tell me "I know a lot of people who eat the way you do, that's completely normal" and I really feel like that is not the case. I don't know who to trust anymore. I would like to believe that my eating habits are normal and that my relationship to food is nothing I should worry about, but I feel like that's just wrong.
Thank you, by the way, for listening. I was actually afraid that I would be ignored or not taken seriously...
We'll go down in history
Remember me for centuries
Its really really common not to be sure if one really does have an eating disorder. I think alot of times there are that little voice saying "i am proberly just making it up in my head, its proberly not that bad" its a part of the ed so dont let it hold you back. Cause it might never really go away. And when it comes to other people saying its normal what you eat...what do they know. As one wrote (cant remember who) if you feel like there is a problem, there is a problem. What i think you should do is to make a list over reasons why there is a part of you that feels like food is a problem. Maybe it could help you to feel better about asking for help to see the reasons black on white.
