Being "well" absolutely terrifies me

[-Shae-Lynn*]

I've been struggling with mental health issues since I was 8 and am now 23. I've been in therapy since I was 15. I've seen a several dozen psychiatrists, social workers, psychologists and a bunch of alternative medicine "people". I've done CBT and DBT mainly and saying that I'v dabbled in other theories. I've been to a dozen different hospitals and have been hospitalized more than I care to admit.

Nothing ever worked.

I tried so hard and nothing ever helped. I tried all the meds and took them without questioning the doctors even when I had horrid side effects because there was this hope that just maybe this would be the thing to "fix" me.
i tried ECT and have since had a lot of memory issues.

I don't know why and I don't know how but I'm starting to have periods of time where I'm not so ridiculously depressed. This terrifies me. In my experience, every time I've had a good time there has been a horrific crash that almost kills me.

These moments of being well now scare the life out of me. After every single one I get intense suicidal thoughts. I'm at 2 months without cutting and think it barely counts because I just substituted it with burning.

I don't know how to be well.

I don't want to be sick either though.

I don't know what I want...

Does anyone feel simillar? Just utterly terrified of this whole prospect? I'd rather be dead most days.

[ennae]

Yes. I understand. Hugs.

[crazykat]

I think this is a pretty common way to feel, I know at times I have struggled with this. I think it is because even through the bad times are horrible and we wouldn't wish it on our worst enemy it feels safe because it is what we know. We know what to expect our struggles feel like the norm.

To feel okay or even to think of that concept can be a scary thought as it is not the norm for you so it is unknown. What we know is more comforting but if we take the risk and allow ourselves that permission to feel okay we will find in time that feels comfortable too.