Hi Green Lantern and all - I've been a member & lurker for a while but first post. Your plight GL hit me in a soft spot!
I probably don't have the right to tell anyone anything about themselves but I'm an old bird who has lived several lives (this will become clear).
Mental Illness has an awful tag but as a general rule seems to be a normal reaction to a **** life...
Quote:
"There is no antidepressant that will cure a depression that's spiritually based, for the malaise doesn't originate from brain dysfunction, but from an accurate response to the desecration of life." -David R. Hawkins, Power vs. Force
The terrible things that happened to me starting from birth, created a human being that could only use mental processes in an attempt to protect me from my abusers. In order to process (or not process) the abuse I fragmented myself into many pieces. The deformation of my character is the result and I accept this.
I have many 'selves' all of which I believe are under control by the central 'self' (that would be me typing now lol) but sometimes one of the others becomes active and I'm then out of control...self harming, eating disorders, over-thinking, sadness, malaise, hopelessness etc...
I believe that when a 'self' becomes dominant that part (fragmentation) has unresolved issues. Which needs therapy to unravel and resolve.
Personally my 11-13 year old self has emerged as the most hateful, spiteful and destructive personality I have. She is well under my control, and rightly so, but she appears every now and then. I check myself frequently by asking myself questions e.g; why has that made you so angry?
As I shattered or fragmented myself into many pieces to avoid pain those pieces do not FEEL like me. They feel and seem like an outside force and their anxiety or aggression also feels like an outside entity. Either attacking or protecting me they ARE me and not outside of me.
I would say to you GL that the 'men' you are experiencing are perhaps similar to a 'man' I had who repeatedly kicked me. At first I thought this was an intrusive memory from past abuse. But determined to get to the bottom of it I found it through logical analysis to be a persecution anxiety.
1. Never happened with others in the room?
2. He had no identity (face) and never spoke?
3. How did he get in and out of my home?
4. No evidence suggesting he was real?
I did not recognize this man as part of me - I projected the man (anxiety) into the world and he bounced back to kick me in the ass lol disguised as an outside force.
This is a fragmented part of my brain (that I do not FEEL connected to) that projects something that feels alien to me (if it doesn't feel like me then it's not me), that is logical. But if you sit on your hand long enough it also won't feel like YOUR hand. It's still your hand but it doesn't feel like your hand, I hope you're following me.
This helped me a great deal once I realized I could say to the man "oh I'm obviously feeling very anxious about something, what is it?
Perhaps you're experiencing severe anxiety over taking medication that you do not fully understand. The 'men' could be your anxiety projected as an outside entity.
Perhaps you could ask a doctor to fully explain what the medication does. How the ingredients react to help you and perhaps your T could explore projection of the self? You're intelligent so there is no reason why you should not know how your mind is working and what is in your medication.
Remember; your mind will do ANYTHING to remain sane - it will also drive you insane trying to do just that!
Sending out love and light to all
It became like a sort of prison. Encased in a silver shell, words so full of bleeding need spilled like drops on dry leaves. And all the while laughter prevailed a long way from here. Nowhere land, nowhere time, nowhere space.
