I am under a lot of pressure and feeling immense self hatred
I keep thinking about ways to seriously hurt myself (not kill myself but deeply hurt)
I want to feel the pain that I deserve
I hate myself so much I am the most disgusting piece of crap ever
My question is - will I ever feel better?
I have felt like this for almost 11 years and I feel worse not better
if its going to carry on for much longer I just don't see a point
I don't understand myself... I'm searching for the person I am, and the person I want to be..
Cos I would escape for a bit
I wouldn't have to think about anything else except my pain
I understand feeling like that. it is a concern that you feel so desperate to escape. Is there any other way you can escape that is less destructive? I find reading fantasy helps. Hugs.
Thank you both
I can't concentrate on anything else it's all I can think about & do
I am now in agony n feel a lot better for it
I'm focusing on that
Nothing else helps
I can't carry on like this the emotion is too much
I don't understand myself... I'm searching for the person I am, and the person I want to be..
Do you have any professional help for dealing with these emotions - or have you in the past?
It sounds like you're having a hard time tolerating difficult emotions but that can be taught so yes I certainly think you can get better x
I have the cmht but whenever I tell them I'm low they just say Aww that's rubbish. Make yourself a cup of tea take time out of work and relax and I want to scream at them that if I make a cup of tea I'll pour the boiling water over me. It's just not helpful they don't understand how bad it is
They don't help
Nothing helps
I hate this
I don't understand myself... I'm searching for the person I am, and the person I want to be..
Even if nothing helps is there anything that helps pass time and therefore keep you safe?
Sometimes I feel like nothing I am trying makes any difference. It was suggested that every time I tried to distract, do something enjoyable, vent, self-soothe e.t.c that I record how I was feeling and how bad the thoughts/urges were before, after and during on a scale of 1 to 100. Even if it had only had improved things by a few points it helped to me to recognize it and help me to feel less hopeless with the thought that nothing is helping whatever so ever. A very small improvement is still worth it when you are feeling that awful and desperate.
I am sorry to hear that your Dad feels like he 'knows' you are going to kill yourself. I have had a very similar experience. My sister is so convinced I am going to kill myself that she has stopped all contact with me. But even 12 years of feeling this bad I am still here. The fact you have been through 11 years of this shows how much of a fighter you are.
Last edited by Ranger Fairy : 24-09-2014 at 07:01 PM.
Thank you Ranger Fairy. I am so sorry that your sister has acted this way. Its heart breaking.
Yes I have painted my nails (which I did end up smashing the bottle doing in the process) but afterwards felt a bit better... well slightly...
I don't understand myself... I'm searching for the person I am, and the person I want to be..
Hey hun I wish I could do something to reassure you, I know it's bad enough feeling this low xxx it's a really difficult question to answer because we dont really know what's round the corner xx
I really don't want to come out with a load of cliches, but really all we can do is to take things one step at a time when we are this unwell xx
please try not to put too much pressure on yourself worrying about how things will be years ahead as that in itself can make us sick with worry xx
I do know what you mean about mh teams. The crisis team whenever I have phoned have been just rude or useless and I have a list of people I can't talk to there. xxx
Sending you big hugs and the strength to get through this day xxxx
I'm sorry you're feeling so low right now. I can empathise completely because at one point I was writing pretty much exactly what you have here, but I can tell you one day things will improve.
Would it help perhaps to talk to us about the pressure you feel you're under? Sometimes even just sharing that with someone helps.
I forget whether you've had DBT or been offered it at all, but I found the Distress Tolerance and Emotional Regulation modules really helpful - even though at first I fought against them helping.
Right now, what would help you get through this moment safely? It can be really hard to sit with difficult emotions, but as soon as you decide they're not going to rule your actions, they lose their power.
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
