I feel very very low and suicidal and I have been feeling better have not cut since end of June but feel I need to, I would be so disappointed if I do. I've been on new meds and I really believe they help. But out of the blue its hit me again this suffocating hopelessness breath taking anxiety time stopping low dark mood just total emptiness and sadness and a need to die.
I am terrified right now. For years I've been feeling bad, then have a worse period, then pick up a bit, then get bad again. But for quite a few weeks I've felt almost normal? if that's possible, so much has been happening yet I've coped, I've managed, I've been okay. So to all of a sudden come face to face with this hell again is devastating.
I can't cope. So this thread looks like a lecture, like there's no feeling in it, like its not serious at all. I really feel this is it. This is never going to go away. I tell my friend how I feel and she's cross, it hurts her if I'm not good, so I feel guilty, I make it all about me don't put anyone else first, even by saying that I'm only thinking of myself. I say nothing right I hurt everyone I get everything wrong I ruin everything. "But you can't say that who's everyone whats everything?" Oh please just listen just believe me just accept I feel desperate please just help me.
No one can help me. I'm seeing my P Doc tomorrow, if I say I'm suicidal he'll say its a symptom of my condition BPD. No one takes me seriously. I feel so so alone. I really feel like I can't do this anymore. I'm just too out of it I can't even begin to talk about things I can't make my brain work I just want to sleep and never wake up. "But you've felt like this before and you were fine." Ouch. So that means I'll be okay this time? Probably. But RIGHT NOW I am not fine I don't feel okay I feel scared I feel pointless I don't want to live.
"Get up, have a bath, have something to eat and drink, go to your Nan's, do some colouring, walk the dog." I CAN'T. Yes distraction helps but right now it doesn't make this stop nothing makes this go away it terrifies me I am overwhelmed and physically can't move I see no point eating if I'll be dead soon why waste food. Why go visit people it will only hurt them more when I'm gone. No one wants me no one trusts me I am no friend just a burden annoying in the way exhausting pathetic I shouldn't be here its so sad I never thought it would come to this.
I don't know what to do. If I think realistically I am scared to go, there are things I'll miss, people I'll miss, its very sad. But I feel I need to do this, I am causing so much pain by being here I can't see this carrying on all it will take is one more push I wont be able to do this. The dog is asleep beside me I love her can't imagine her not being here maybe she would feel the same about me? So selfish to even consider that I would be missed. I can't do this.
I can't manage a decent reply right now. Your post sounds just like I've written it. There is a tiny bit of sense still shining through that says to me, you are worthy of living your life. You are worthy of attention. People and your dog will miss you. Just keep hanging on...it will get better. It has before and it can again. I say the same to you. I've been struggling this week too. I've got therapy in the morning...I'm going to bed now with my dog, my teddies and my blankets. Just got to survive until tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day. Maybe you can do the same. Sorry it's not a useful bunch of waffle, but it wanted you to know I care. xxx hugs xxx
Oh bless you thank you for replying it must have been very hard when you're feeling so bad.
I feel awful for posting, so many people are in the same or worse situations I feel unworthy to ask for help. I want to say the same to you. You CAN do this. Like you said, its about getting through till tomorrow, then the next day, then the next. It seems so hard, so so hard, but I suppose its all we've got, as otherwise we give in and then there's nothing.
I hope your therapy session is of some help? I'm dreading mine, I guess I will just have to hope for the best and try and get something out of it. Sorry I sound like a walking textbook I hate that my advice is so impersonal, and I hate that I can't take it myself.
Hi Gem. I know you've probably heard this before and it's a bit cliché, but sating you can't feel unhappy because other people have it worse is like saying you can't feel happy because other people have it better.
It sounds like you have a few reasons to carry on, your dog and people that you will miss and that will miss you a lot. Can you think of anything else that keeps you going, like anything you want to do or experience one day? I sometimes find it helpful to look up holidays I want to take and things I want to do in the future and it gives me that extra bit of power to hold on a bit longer.
Did you see your psych today?
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
Thank you Cacoethes I have actually just been looking up last minute deals as I feel a break may help!
I saw my Psych, I was very positive telling him how I thought the new meds were working well and I've been coping okay yadda yadda, then my friend brought up how I've been feeling and I got upset had to admit I am in a bad place. But he didn't really seem concerned.
It upsets me that if I ask for help, then no one can actually do anything to help, I feel like that's it, theres nothing left to try, no point anymore. The rest of today I've felt very low and hopeless and have been very upset thinking about how things will be when I'm not here anymore.
Funny really, today (Wed 10th) is World Suicide Prevention Day. I've been watching documentaries and looking online for anything that will convince me to keep going. Its so hard though. There is so much going on I am completely overwhelmed and keep having panic attacks just thinking about things. I know my life is over, its just coming to terms with it that's the hard part.
I can't even start to think about things it panics me too much, which is the main problem I can't talk so I'm a mess.
It breaks my heart to read how much pain you're going through. So much of what you've written I'm feeling myself but you have expressed it really well so thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I'm sorry I don't have much advice right now but please hang on. There's a reason you're still here. Things don't have toend now and they don't have to end like this. We're all here for you.
Keep searching for things to help get you through. You're right it is bloody tough but it will be worth it one day. You said in your first post you don't want to visit people because it will hurt them more when you're gone but then you also wondered if anyone would miss you. These people would. And maybe it's worth visiting them because it might lessen the urge to go through with ending your life.
All I can say is keep holding on. You're searching for reasons to keep going for a reason and that is you don't want to leave the world behind. You just want to leave the pain. With support hopefully you can get to a place where you can leave the pain behind but still experience the good parts of the world (dogs!!!) But you need to be alive for that to happen.
(I don't know if you're a good Charlotte fan but one of their videos "Hold On" deals with suicide and has people speaking who were left behind by someone they loved or have survived themself. There's one line there that says something like "please keep going. You're going to miss so much". It's hard to watch but it's so right. I'll warn you it's very emotional if you do watch it.)
Thanks for your reply. You sound so much like me. It's like I've written your post. I'm doing now what I was thinking if writing and then forgot...duh...just staring at the screen, wondering what to write, not having a clue what to say, thinking of being unworthy, thinking of wasting people's time....
Talking of 'wasting people's time', I think that's a good thing. It's not wasting their time. They wouldn't be here reading if it was. It's a very useful distraction. It's a boat we can all jump in together and know we aren't alone. It's a chance to offer comfort when were able because we know people need it so much at times.
Sorry your appt didn't go so well. Well done for taking somebody. Well done for speaking out when you were prompted. You need to do that more. I know I do. Sorry the response to it was so flat. That happened to me too. We need to keep saying we aren't ok. I got discharged from my p doc because I kept quiet. I'm waiting for an appt now. We need to get that scream out of our head and into the world. We are worthy of help.
What a load of waffle. I bet you understand though. Aimee said some useful things. We just have to hear and believe them. We need to stop saying sorry too.
Littleweeble and snow white wow I am really comforted by your replies. I go from wanting help, thinking about asking for it, thinking no one will care/listen/take me seriously, to thinking why bother, its not worth it, I'm not worth it, I'll only worry/annoy/hurt people, I will either feel better soon or be gone, what's the point mentioning it? So I'll sit staring at a blank screen, things going through my head but not able to come out, and if it does it sounds cold and clinical and like I'm talking about a case study.
Aimee I worry about you when you feel like this. It is very hard, and you have been an inspiration to me and a great encourager. You're right, we do need to somehow keep going, keep trying, keep trying to find something that will get us through the day, the next hour, the next 5 minutes.
Its absolutely terrifying feeling like you need to die. It really upsets me, I think of all the people I'll never see again, all the things I'll never get to do. I feel sad I wont be here for important birthdays and Christmases and never have children, never have the chance to try and see if maybe I could be happy. So I'll be crying, grieving for myself. How selfish. How pathetic. Just do it why don't you.
But then I think, if I'm feeling like this there's obviously doubts there, fear even. I KNOW I DO NOT WANT TO DIE so I must not give in to the feelings that suffocate me. I just wish it would go away, that someone, anyone, could give me a hug and hold me and stay with me and assure me I'll get through and that it will all be okay.
"Its a boat we can all jump in together and know we aren't alone".
Littleweeble thank you, wow that really helps. I really fear wasting peoples time, especially if there's no point cos I think I wont be around much longer so why waste their effort and hurt them. But you're right, its not about wasting their time its about asking for their time to help you. If they're happy to give their time we should grab it with both hands and try to get as much support and help as we can.
Supporting each other is a huge comfort, to those we support and to ourselves as we begin to realise the worth of our own advice. It would break my heart if anyone I care about on here wasn't here anymore, and although I'm certain no one would care if it was me, there's a hope there that if I did die it would be waste. If I can relate to just one person, if nothing else just send a hug, then I have done some good. Oh shut up Gemma you are being soooo self centred. I hate myself.
I am rubbish at supporting people. I am selfish, worthless, useless, annoying, and cause more harm than good. I told my GP yesterday I don't want to be here anymore. She can't do anything, she just looked at me with sadness in her eyes. So selfish of me, she's been treating me for 13 years, I feel so guilty contemplating giving it all up.
My gosh I go from tying to see the positives, to hating myself and feeling negative. So pathetic. Even reading back what I've written makes me feel so stupid. Why am I even saying all this? What's the point me writing this? But what if someone does care... what if someone does get a tiny bit out of this... I really wish I could things better for everyone, I hate life sometimes its cruel and so so hard.
I'm so grateful for everyone's replies and concern. We can do this, I'm certain. We need to keep going. We have to, what's the point other wise.
Even if all you can manage is to press that hug button that's worth a lot. I'd hug you all day if I could. I know I'd appreciate if somebody did that for me. I have teddies and blankets. I only got them in my 30s. Nearest to being hugged all day that I can get. I find it amazing that our minds can turn on us in moments. I guess if they can do that, then they can turn to happiness...we just need to find it in ourselves. We will do that. Well done for pressing post and not delete. I think that shows the tiny bit of belief and a wish to live.......gone blank for now.....hugs xxx
Hi Gem. I'm really glad you've continued to post here and let us know how you're doing, I was wondering about you. You've made a lot of really good points and I really like that you can acknowledge the things you would miss if you were to leave, because these things are your reasons for living. The reasons for getting through the hard times, like right now.
I know we are different people in different situations but what you say really rings true for me, but I can start to see things changing a bit some days and moments. Maybe soon that will happen for you too. You just need to hold on and give it that chance. And you're right it's hard and comes down sometimes to getting through those minutes and hours but if that what it takes it is worth doing it to help you through.
On my thread you said you would also start to plan about getting you through high risk times, like how I'm planning to make sure I'm safe on Sunday nights which I find hard. Do you have anything in mind that will help you? I wonder if typing it out here will help, plans are easier to remember if they are written somewhere.
I think it's not pathetic that you feel you're grieving for yourself, but probably an important thing to remember (maybe repeat it to yourself when you feel that distress come on about things you'll miss etc) is it doesn't have to end this way. And you don't have to miss those things.
As you say, you don't want to die and these feelings are SO TOUGH right now I really, really want to acknowledge how proud I am of your strength to keep fighting through this. I am SO proud of you and it is inspiring for me to see, it truly is.
I would love to hug you too if I could. I like littleweeble ideas, they sound really comforting. I have a teddy too :) and furry blankets I like to sit with. I find the tactile thing really comforting about having blankets to keep you sort of feeling safe. (I even sat with one over my body while in counselling and it was very comforting).
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gem
It would break my heart if anyone I care about on here wasn't here anymore, and although I'm certain no one would care if it was me, there's a hope there that if I did die it would be waste. If I can relate to just one person, if nothing else just send a hug, then I have done some good.
I really really feel connected to you. Not in an attempt to guilt you but to more reassure you that if you weren't here I would feel a great sense of loss; especially as you have identified all the things you would miss. I would feel sad that you're going to miss all those things. You're doing so well in your fight and I want to say again I am proud, it's not easy, but you have got this far and I believe you can keep going.
And you really have done some good, a lot of good, here. I can tell from the post above mine and the way I feel you have touched people here and made them think about how they feel and your reply to my thread was so amazing and helpful, and that you even took the time to write so much to me when you're struggling means a lot. I really thank you for that.
You are not stupid, selfish, or doing more harm than good. Those thoughts are the depression taunting you; but thoughts are not fact, and they are not true.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gem
We can do this, I'm certain. We need to keep going. We have to, what's the point other wise.
Let's stick it out through the hard times together. We are struggling, but we're not alone.
I am massively massively grateful for al the replies I have been getting. It is a huge deal to me, even if it says something as simple as "I've heard you" its a great encouragement as I then feel someone somewhere has listened and there is hope because - negatively or positively - I have touched someone, affected someone, and I would hate to end my life knowing that people have thought of me, tried to help me, even been disturbed by what I've said. I need to keep going just for all the people I have connected with in my life.
I should have done a safety plan last night, I knew I was on the verge of something, I've had a plan that this weekend was kind of "do or die" and last night I should have had the dog stay with me but I said no, instantly regretted it as I knew I am vulnerable and so much more likely to be at risk if I'm on my own.
By the way she's not my dog, but I kind of share her and she stays at my house a lot and she's my best friend and keeps me safe, I would never put her at risk.
So last night I was freaking out, but managed to let my friends sort of know I wasn't great, and even managed to get some sleep. However the weekend is only a quarter way through, I am still convinced I shouldn't be here and am contemplating ODing on sleeping tablets, driving off far and sleeping in my car, driving and booking a hotel/B and B, going to beach and waiting for the tide to come right in, or driving miles away and rocking up at some A and E where no one knows me and asking to be put to sleep.
Realistically I'm sure I'll stay in bed till late afternoon, go find some food, maybe get dressed, maybe see my family, then either go back to bed or contact my friend, who I am desperately trying to give a break, that's part of the reason I shouldn't be here cos I'm ruining her life so much.
But then what about tonight? ODing is a huge option, but at home is selfish if my sister finds me, so again even if I get through the rest of the day there's still tonight, and that terrifies me. I have no idea what safety plan to put in place for that, I can't go to my friends or have the dog cos I promised I'd not see them this weekend. And even if tonight's okay, tomorrow wont be. Again I could drive off/OD/etc, I'm dreading this just wish it was Monday so I can see my GP, I know it wont help but just having that appt in place, to kind of look forward to? is a big help and a focus. Kind of annoying, I planned to go away for a while but now I only have the weekend left as need to be here for Mondays appt.
I am feeling quite calm right now, if I don't think about being hungry etc I'm okay, and actually writing this has really helped. Aimee you are an inspiration to me, I feel I want to keep going to show you that it can be done. It helps so much knowing you are trying so hard when you are struggling so so much.
Thank you for reading and replying I couldn't have got this far on my own. I will try to keep going, everyone's right we MUST stick it out, for each other, and yes we're struggling but definitely NOT on our own.
I'm just falling asleep now as it is 11:30pm here but I wanted to say you're an inspiration too and it's helping me to hold on knowing how hard you're fighting. Please try and put a plan in place for all the risk times this weekend - including contacting your friend. She'd rather you contact her than not and then she loses you forever, right?
You can get through this time and see your doctor Monday. Focus on that goal you have. Really drive home to yourself that you HAVE to attend that appointment.
What about snuggling under a blanket and watching a movie tonight? What things do you find comforting thatyou can do? You may find it helpful too if things get really intense to think about your reasons for living and things you're looking forward too, things you like that you don't want to miss.
I can see from your first paragraph that social connections and making a difference is really important to you. You've made a difference in my life :) maybe you can think about all the people you've helped and think of ways to tap into that in the future. You have so much to give this world- it's not often you see someone so compassionate and wanting to make a difference to people's lives, you could really go places with that and help a lot of people. You're important.
You can get through this safely, we can work on idea to help x
Last edited by Snow White. : 13-09-2014 at 02:34 PM.
Hello, sorry for not replying, I appreciate how unfair it is to make a thread saying your suicidal and then not posting for ages.
I've had some problems with family and its kind of taken over, and I stayed at my friends last night to get away and be safe. All that aside, I still feel the same. However I have new guilt because of the things that recently happened, so I am feeling even more like I don't want to be here anymore.
But hey, I had a lovely afternoon out with my sister, and a lovely evening with my sister and friends. It was a distraction, the thoughts are back now and I'm so relieved to have the dog here. Am trying to hold on till I see Dr tomorrow afternoon.
One positive is that I am very very tired, so I'm hoping I will soon be asleep.
I think sleep sounds like a really good idea. I'm proud of you for staying with someone to stay safe. Doctor tomorrow afternoon -not long to go now, hold on there.
I'm disappointed with myself, cos I told her I felt like I'm going to end my life and she didn't do anything. She sort of thought about for a moment, then that was that.
I've been really bright and 'happy' and having a laugh with people, I walked the dog which I enjoyed and then went to a family bbq, all good, but underneath, seeping through, is this 'need' to make plans. I hate myself.
I know if I talk it will all go wrong, I pretending to everyone even myself.
Can you go back to the gp with somebody Gem? Get them to tell her it's ridiculous to dismiss what you say. Having said that, I get the same reaction often. I guess we need to keep asking. I'm hiding like you too. Nobody 'out there' wants to know what is swirling in my head. Have I said that already? I know I've been feeling guilty about it anyway. It's so tiring having to hide. We got to today. Let's go for some more days xxx
Littleweeble "We got to today, lets go for some more days". When I read that it was instantly what I needed to hear. Thank you.
Wish I could use that advice now I really need to
I am a failure. I'm failing, every minute, failing in everything.
Yesterday (Tuesday) was a tough day. I spent it in bed, had no reason to get up. I planned to OD when I went to bed. I had a mini text conversation with my friend just before and it helped, ish, and really forced myself not to take anything. I did take some sleeping meds but only cos I couldn't sleep not to OD.
After a very bad long night I woke up today feeling like a failure. I failed, I didn't OD, I planned it for nothing. I did feel relieved but barely. I've been low and sad and getting worse today. My Mum phoned. Turns out she IS talking to me. Oh but only cos she wants something. I hate myself. No one wants me. I ruin everything.
I've been irritatingly low this evening. I've been at my friends and I made the atmosphere choking.
Before I came to bed, I felt okay, still low, but thought I'd watch some telly. One comment. How can one comment that has absolutely nothing to do with me destroy me? I am failing. I want to die, I want to be dead. On the telly a woman who's been told she's got terminal cancer has bought loads of plants and enjoying herself making her garden look fab; making the most of every minute she has left. I'm watching feeling pointless. Hopeless. Desperate for this to hurry up and end just kill me.
I'm scared, because I'm beginning to feel not scared about dying. So wrong. I'm annoyed cos I have commitments tomorrow and Friday, I know I have to be okay, but I'm not. I shouldn't even be posting on here its not fair I'm sorry.
I'm still here with you. You know what set me off yesterday? A rug. A flippin' rug. I don't even know why sexual things trigger me. But then, a rug, sexual? It's been there for 3 years.
My daughter is getting married next month. I have to keep going for that. My son just got engaged. My youngest passed her driving test. It's supposed to be a happy time. The wedding is in Cyprus and I have to be in company for a whole week. I hope you're ok when I go away.
If you feel you can't stay around for you, then stay around for others at the minute. Imagine life without supermarkets. There would be no supermarkets without the workers. You're going to be helping that. You're making the queue shorter. You could be saving somebody from the stress of shopping and getting them out of there quicker. You'll be helping people live their lives. And the mentoring. That's great. Seems ironic that you could do with one yourself probably.
I should listen to what I say. I'm not saying much at the moment, but I should still listen.
I'm going to be waiting for your reply. Even if you get angry at me for wanting you to stay alive when you're suffering, then let rip. I don't want you to suffer. I don't want to suffer myself.
I just turned around to see my chihuahua with a balloon sticker right in the middle of her forehead...my grand daughter put it there. She's 2. It did make me laugh. We have to hold on to those moments. Even if it is only for seconds. They will get longer. They do for everyone else. Why shouldn't they for us?
What a load of waffle. I don't mind....it keeps your and I at the screen...safe xx
