Hi guys.. (long post ahead let me warn you but please spare time to read and advise me)
I'm new here, I dunno where to begin but I know I need help and that too fast.
Let me give a little background first. I'm now aged 26, I wouldn't say I have had a
horrific childhood, as no harm was done to me physically (although it wasn't roses and sunshine either) but I did see my mother (who had mental instability/depression) being abused physically and in the most dreadful ways by an alcoholic father instigated by his family (brothers, sister, nieces) many times (its all changed now, things are better thank God). Further to this, my dad's family had a strong disliking towards my mother and it reflected onto us too, I was treated like a servant at the age of 9ish up to start of my teens, my cousins made me wash dishes, clean up, cook, serve food to them, change their kids diapers etc. And I would do all this because 1. they were older and 2. I desperately wanted to be accepted and wanted them to like me..
but that never happened, they shut the door in my face time and time again and I was told to shut up and sit down, was teased about the way I looked and pushed to a corner - said I'd turn out like my mother. etc
Now it has been a LONG time since all of this has happened but I feel it's still haunting me till this day. A few things about my behaviour.
- I am frightened very very easily, I don't like people speaking in a loud tone, esp if they speak to me - a loud/harsh tone can make me cry
- I jump at unfamiliar noises
- I have issues trusting people
- I always think other people are given better treatment/preference over me
- I am afraid people judge me
- I am very quiet because of the fear of saying something wrong and again being judged, when I speak in front of a few people my cheeks go red and my mouth suddenly becomes stiff and words come out weird
- I am really sensitive to everything, I analyze every word a person says and most times twist it to mean something negative against me
- I remember when I used to work I felt a group of people where laughing at me - even when logically they had no reason to do so
- I am EXTREMELY conscious about my looks, I hate being stared at even though people tell me I'm not 'bad looking' I believe they say it to be nice and I have a very low self esteem.
That's all I can think of from the top of my head atm..
I am educated to a degree level, and have done well in that sense, although I quit work a year ago because I needed a break, I'm enrolled to start teacher training in a few weeks but I'm terribly afraid of that too. I've already started thinking my tutor doesn't like me because of a trivial reason that makes no logical sense.
I don't want to mess this/my life up - I've had enough of pondering on bad thoughts and feeling a sense of impending doom, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.
How do I get rid of this self esteem issue, paranoia?
Any help would be appreciated - thank you in advance, if you read all that you deserve a medal :|
