I became homeless on the 19th of May. It feels like I've been homeless forever. My official address is NFA, no fixed abode and I'm statutory homeless which means I'm entitled to housing from the council. Ha. That made it sound so simple but when you're mentally ill nothing is simple.
I stopped taking my meds 8 days ago although I never intended to. They were seized from me at an event, the security took them from me and before I stopped taking them I was really stable. Now... I'm in a dark tunnel wearing a blindfold and I don't even know which way is up. I stopped engaging with my mental health team maybe 2 or 3 weeks ago, I'm not so sure anymore. I'm not so sure of anything anymore. The more I try to think the more the withdrawal hits me. Except this is more than withdrawal, this is discontinuation syndrome and it's like the phrase 'I've gone to hell and back' is an understatement. I can tell you all the symptoms without looking them up. It's everything I feel right now:
- Brain zaps
- confusion
- dizziness
- heightened senses
- extreme anxiety
- intense suicidal thoughts
- aggression
- uncontrollable crying
- screaming '**** you' and insults at strangers
- diarrhoea
- vomiting
- decreased appetite
- increased libido
- weird sensations in your body
- panic attacks
- paranoia
- delusions
I think that's it, oh I forgot the muddled coordination. Trying to type is EXHAUSTING and I'm relying completely on autocorrect to spell every single word for me. I'm desperate for the meds but going out in public would be a sure fire way to get arrested because I'm so hostile and aggressive and I can't cope with the noise and my vision is messed up.
I know I'm about to lose the roof over my head even if this place is pretty crap, I've already lost the benefits, I've only eaten once this week but all I wanna do is sleep so I don't have to endure all the symptoms.
I tried to tell the doctor, I even tried to contact the mental health team but no one's listening and I can't seem to make them listen. I even tried to call an ambulance at one point but I wasn't able to make enough sense for them to help, they just thought I was some drunk wasting their time. The girl who cried wolf, eh? Now it's really hit the fan, no one's gonna come and help and it's all my fault. Is this how I'll go? Alone, starving, thirsty, homeless , hopeless and too weak to even stand?
