i can't do this

[lord of luck]

i feel totally out of control all the time
i deal with depression, inclding panic attacks and SH, for some reason i never want to eat any more, and i have insomnia
i dont know what to do about everything

[abigalelynette]

Hi,

Do you have any support for these issues?

Sometimes it can feel like a lot to deal with when you look at it all in one but you have to break things down, look at them individually and how they affect your life and what you want to change it can be more manageable.

If you don't have any professional support I'd recommend going to the drs and trying to get some as it helps with anxieties also.

Abi

[talaiporia]

Would you like to talk to us about what's going on - what's worrying you and upsetting you so much?

[lord of luck]

and its just life, lifes upsetting me, it takes so much energy.

[talaiporia]

What's going on if your life that's upsetting you? Is there anyone you can talk to about it?

[lord of luck]

my bf knows some of it but i feel like a burden to him to tell him too much.
my sister died at 17 a year ago this month and i have a lot of abuse in my childhood im just now remembering and realizing and there's a lot of stuff i cant even pinpoint that i feel like is just wrong.
and then the issues eating, ive eaten two meals today and feel horribly guilty... it makes me want to SI which i havent done yet today, for the first time in three or four days. its just all a never ending cycle that makes me question my existence in general.

[talaiporia]

You aren't a burden; part of being in a relationship is dealing with the bad, as much as the good.

Would you feel better if you ate smaller meals more frequently? So that perhaps you felt less guilty about it?

[lord of luck]

i could try. its sitting down and forcing myself to eat anything thats the issue.

[lord of luck]

i can't do this. it feels so wrong to make myself eat anything and it's a circle, i eat, then i feel horrible, then i cut, then the circle just keeps going. my stomach hurts from eating an entire meal last night, and i cant keep up the mask ive worn so long... its too much

[talaiporia]

What about eating something smaller more frequently, or foods that were safer?

[lord of luck]

he made me see how much i weighed and it wasnt what he was hoping. hes worried about my not eating enough and i ate three times today (couldnt get down a lot but tried to eat something) and now im just dealing with being really dehydrated from not drinking anything but coffee (for some reason that's easy to get down?)
im really low and havent cut in way too long but i think im doing ok. its exciting to have eaten so much today, makes me feel like i made him happy. now to deal with the guilt :/

what foods would you recommend? is there something easier to get down? other than coffee...

[talaiporia]

Okay. Does he have a plan for helping you get back on track?

I would have thought water was best for fluids; otherwise milk can be mixed.

[lord of luck]

thanks for the advice sophia!
i tried water; its making me nauseous. i'll try milk, i don't usually drink it but it might be helpful for now.

he has no plan, just keeps telling me to eat. which doesnt help anything and i end up lying to him cuz i want him to be happy. although im not lying when i say that i ate two times today, and just binge-ate an entire bag of skittles. sometimes i really hate myself :/

i dont know. im getting tired of figuring my mind out. its exhausting.

[talaiporia]

There's drinks you can get from the pharmacy that can help if you're dehydrated; isotonic drinks can be helpful too.

Do you know what's making you nauseous? It seems odd that water makes you ill and skittles don't.