Positive recovery post - Some words of encouragement, please? *trigger*

Field Of Paper Flowers · 21-08-2014, 11:49 AM

So I'm going back to my doctor today (well hopefully need to book an appointment in half an hour) and I'm scared.

Nearly a year ago I went to get help for my anxiety and depression which had rapidly got worse. This resulted in my doctor finally diagnosing me with both anxiety and depression.

He sent me off for group CBT which didn't help, so I was then sent to start individual CBT which didn't really help but by my last session I actually improved dramatically since my first session but it's been nearly 3 months now and things have gradually got worse once more.

I did however discover throughout my CBT sessions why my anxiety is as bad as it is and why I have depression which has been useful.

Currently it's work that is making me increasingly unhappy and sadly it's starting to make me feel like I won't get a better job no matter how hard I try and the only way out of it is suicide.

It's not the job itself but the people I work with. They lie, they're lazy and the one member of staff is an attention seeking bully.

Everything has been tolerable up until something that happened at work yesterday and the thought of going back is so devastating and horrible that I haven't been able to go in today.

I was so suicidal and scared yesterday after work that my boyfriend had to come and take care of me and get me out of the house, just to ensure nothing bad happened.

Due to how worried he was and how scared I was I went to my emergency doctor as my own was shut and I was basically told by the doctor there to man up and if I can't "stand the thought of working to quit and go on the dole" which is unfair.

I understand that the emergency doctor can't do anything but I didn't expect that crap...

Anyway I am going to my own doctor today and I am nervous about what to say... Or what my doctor will say to me after yesterday.

I just want help, I really do.

I really don't want to have to quit my job but all this is getting too much and ever since getting this job my mental health has increasingly worsened, I've had so much **** happen to do with the place and I'm just incredibly unhappy.

Any words of encouragement would be lovely and even if anyone has similar stories to myself it would be nice to hear them so I don't know I'm alone.

I just want to not have a day where I think about self harm or suicide. :'(

Pi.R^2 · 21-08-2014, 12:14 PM

I really hope the doctor today is more helpful than the other one, because being told to man up is completely unacceptable.

Hopefully if you explain the situation and how it is impacting your mental health, then they might offer to sign you off for a little bit (if you think that would be helpful), to give you chance to recuperate and reflect on your options.

Do you think having a bit more of the individual CBT might help?

And is there any option for transfer within your job so that you wouldn't have to work with the people who are making things difficult?

Field Of Paper Flowers · 21-08-2014, 12:39 PM

To be honest CBT didn't help at all as it's the whole you put stuff into it to get stuff out of it but I can't put anything in as I don't feel it helps any of my negative feelings and thoughts about myself and situations I'm in etc.

Maybe counseling would be more beneficial but even then I was told in my last CBT session that if I wanted counseling then I would need to pay for it. >.<

I would have a transfer but when I suggested this to a friend who worked in the same company as I do she just said it'll be the same rubbish wherever you go and 1. I don't wish to stay in that company too much longer after what has happened the past year of working there and 2. I wouldn't want to worry I would transfer to a store that is much worse.

XxDarkenedHeartXx · 21-08-2014, 03:20 PM

Maybe you should try counseling once? If that won't work, you don't have to come back again, unsure about the costs of that though.

Have you ever tried distracting from the bad thoughts, drawing, writing for example? It gives you something to do instead of thinking of SH/suicide :/
Hope you get better x

Field Of Paper Flowers · 21-08-2014, 04:15 PM

I did have counseling for a while when I was at college as it's when my self harm started for a second time and I was being bullied.

I asked someone about costs of counseling and such and she told me it's rubbish and you don't have to pay... But of course I don't know about that.

I have yeah, I often write to try and forget about it, but sadly as most/all of us know depression just sucks the life out of you and often I find myself just lying in bed thinking than doing things. :(

XxDarkenedHeartXx · 21-08-2014, 04:50 PM

I was too taken the mick out of for my self harm, so I know how you feel :/

When you're in bed, maybe listen to music until you're very sleepy? That's what I do, but I end up staying past 2 in the morning..that causes a problem with my sleeping schedule. But either way, maybe read a book? Something to do to get you tired so you can fall asleep quickly.