Don't really want to post but I'm not doing too good right now.
On Saturday I was really worried that something bad was going to happen to dad. He's gone to Russia and I had a really bad feeling about it. I made a promise (not sure who to) that if he was kept safe then I wouldn't cut for 12 days and wouldn't try to kill myself before October. Now that might not seem like much but for me it's loads. I haven't gone more than 3 days without cutting for ages. It makes me panic when I think I've got to go until next Friday without and that makes it harder for me not to do anything. I *need* to cut, not just that I want to. But if I do and something happens to dad then it'll be my fault. I'm going round and round in circles.
Tomorrow I've got 2 exams. 3 3/4 hours in one go. I'm panicking about it. I can't focus for that long. I need to cut to get my head in gear but I'm not allowed to. I'm going to fail, I know I am.
Sorry, not really sure why I'm posting, I just need some support.
Last edited by pixiedust : 09-06-2007 at 11:03 PM.
Reason: changed label/title
Sometimes the way in life seems cloudy...But remember, after the storm comes clear skies
Heya,
Maybe try the fun and distractions page or write down all your feelings when you need to cut?
Just think what an awesome feat it would be to go that long without cutting?
I wish you the best of luck,
xxx
hey, im sure that nothing bad will happen to your dad and there is no way that it would be your fault if it did.
im not too sure what to say to you so ill send you lots and lots of hugs
oh and i hope your exams went well
x x x
If you're not ready to quit-if you're doing this because it's the 'right-thing' maybe you ought to reconsider? Are you ready to give up now that you're doing examinations? I found this excellent new article- http://www.recoveryourlife.com/index.php?categoryid=64
Promising someone that you'll stop isn't good-unless you're ready dear.
Thanks everyone and thanks for that link Robyn, it helped. I know making a promise isn't good if I'm not ready but I'm scared to go back now in case something happens to dad. I feel like I'm going to break it but then I'll feel even more guilty and scared. To be honest, I didn't even make the promise to anyone in particular, I just feel like if I broke it then someone would know. I've nearly gone 4 days without cutting and it's getting harder and harder. I normally don't get past 3 days when I'm trying really hard. Normally I'll tell myself, just get through tonight and you can cut tomorrow and that helps but I can't do that now because I'm not allowed to tomorrow either. I really really need to do something. It's so hard. I'm trying to keep myself distracted but I need to get some sleep but everytime I lie down the urge gets even stronger.
Sometimes the way in life seems cloudy...But remember, after the storm comes clear skies
Struggling to be 'responsible' but I'm looking after my brother and everyone else is out. Now feels like the perfect time to take the tablets I've got, to cut badly and run away. Trying to keep distracted but it's hard. It would be terrible of me to leave my brother on his own though so I've got to try. Is anyone there?
Sometimes the way in life seems cloudy...But remember, after the storm comes clear skies
I'm here for you. Talk to me. You can get through this. What happened today?
~Matt~
Susanna Kaysen: I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favorite word.
Dr. Sonia Wick: Do you know what that means, ambivalence?
Susanna Kaysen: I don't care.
Dr. Sonia Wick: If it's your favorite word, I would've thought you would...
Susanna Kaysen: It *means* I don't care. That's what it means.
have you tried the ice thing? there's a number of things you can do with it. try holding it in your hand and squeeze really hard or rub it where you want to cut, or my personal favorite, throw it in the bath tub as hard as you can and watch it split into a zillion pieces. the best thing with that is you can do it as many times as you have ice cubes and there's no clean up!
someone also suggested to me squeezing your nails into an orange. i haven't tried that one, but it's supposedly really good because you're doing something with your hands and when the juice starts flowing out of the orange it's kind of a symbol.
just some ideas, awesome job on going this long! just don't beat yourself up if you slip up, nothing bad will happen, and if it does, you didn't have any control over it.
Hi, I hope you're holding up and are still safe.
I'm sure your dad is fine, Russia is a beautiful country and I'm sure he's enjoying his travel.
I find that concentrating on revisions puts urges off a bit. Besides you might even manage to not fail your exams if you revise.
And you don't need to cut to concentrate. Do NOT tell yourself that you need to. You're the one in control here. If you start to have a lapse in concentration, put your pen down, look outside the window or something and think about something nice for a minute,then go back to it.
And if really you can't go without SI for that period of time, well, I don't like to encourage hurting yourself but you can always scratch. However, I hope you dont >_<
I'm sorry I wasn't online to talk to you last night.. and that I was well.. Indisposed last night.
I'm phoning you tonight for a proper chat. you know, the long kind. so be warned.
I love you so much, I'll try as much as I can to help tonight.
Just keep strong.
You can beat this shiit.
xxx
