Fear of losing my intelligence.

[Steel Maiden]

I have had this fear for years but now it is so bad that every day I have meltdowns due to the fear of losing my intelligence permanently (or even temporarily).

My intelligence is the only good thing about me and is the only reason why I haven't committed suicide so far.

I can't live without my intelligence so it is frightening the thought of losing it.

I sometimes try to "test" my intelligence but I get a meltdown before I even start "testing" myself and I end up being unable to do it, which results in further panic.

This could be an OCD problem as I ruminate and obsess about it for up to several hours a day. It is really wasting my time.

I am on Gabapentin for migraines and I (a) read somewhere that Gabapentin can affect concentration, which made me think what if it damages my intellectual functions and (b) I keep worrying that the repeated migraines and cortical spreading depression etc have caused minor ischaemia in my brain, thus causing permanent brain damage and loss of intellectual capacity.

Everyone IRL is fed up with me obsessing about it but it is my biggest fear and this fear overwhelms me.

I really don't know how to get out of this. CBT didn't help a lot and my psych won't put me on meds for my OCD (except the 25mg Olanzapine I take for schizophrenia; Olanzapine can also help with OCD but only when added to an antidepressant) as I reported going hypomanic on all the antidepressants I've tried so far.

I've been noticing neurological symptoms such as strabismus and difficulty with coordination resulting in my gait being abnormal. I'm so scared that my intellect (or current lack of) is affected too.

Help.

EDIT: I've also been struggling with handwashing, counting and a very low mood. My psychiatrist doesn't seem to understand and I've typed a letter to her:

Dear Dr ***,

I have been struggling enormously with my OCD and low mood. It takes up pretty much every hour of the day and I can only escape it by forcing myself to be in denial for an hour each day.

I have this constant worry that I’m losing my intelligence. I try to “test” my intelligence sometimes but I end up having a panic attack when I try this. I cannot live (literally) without my intelligence, and the strong possibility that I will lose it is making me question the purpose of continuing to live.

I often feel very low in my mood. I have stopped cleaning the house (my OCD metaphorically “shouts” at me to clean the house, saying it is contaminated, but I have no energy), and daily chores are so difficult to perform. I have stopped cooking (thankfully my mum brings me food sometimes in the evening) and getting up in the morning is painful as I am too afraid to face the day.

I have been struggling to study for university preparation (which I normally like to do in order to feel ready for the year), even though I have a possibility that UCL will kick me out because I’m “not meeting targets” (which I don’t understand as I got 69% in my first year, and the 52% in the second year pharmacology exam was because I had a migraine during the exam). I often drift from one activity to another, interspersed by long periods of laying on the sofa and staring at the ceiling.

I don’t exercise anymore and I have lost my appetite. I sleep during the day as well as at night. I can spend several days at home due to fear of going out of the house and encountering the Spies or someone else that could harm me. I was recently called a “f***ing spastic” by a teenager in a group while I was walking to the park, because my gait has become a bit abnormal (probably a side-effect of Gabapentin). This amplifies my fear of going out of the house.

Although I haven’t had the energy to clean the house, my handwashing is bad, I am washing my hands 40-50 times a day again, and when I wash them I wash them twice each time (if I can’t find a bathroom to wash my hands in while I’m out, I use antibacterial hand gel). I can feel dirt and slime on my hands and it becomes overwhelming. I try to look after my skin by putting cream on my hands, but it is not a solution. If I had the energy, I’d be having three showers a day.

My life has become one giant OCD obsession / compulsion loop and my mood is awful (irritable as well as low). I try to use my psychologist’s techniques but they don’t always work. My OCD feels so overwhelming and deeply buried inside me that I cannot apply techniques to get rid of it.

I really need this to be sorted before I (hopefully) go to university, otherwise I will not be able to continue my studies and I may end up dead because this is unbearable.

Best wishes,
Olympia.

[Indigo.]

Hey there.

I'm sorry you're really struggling with this, and that others don't seem to understand how this issue is affecting you.

Have you sent the letter or are you planning to send it?

Have you been diagnosed with OCD? Did your psychiatrist say why she won't put you on OCD meds. Do the meds have any side effects that might affect you?

Sorry for asking a lot of questions. I know this is a major concern for you, but your intellect hasn't been damaged, otherwise you wouldn't have been able to:
A. Write coherently;
B. Think about the possible long term effects of your migraines.
C. Think of a.possible cause( OCD) and solution ( meds) to your problem.

I have had the same handwashing problem. I don't.remember much from that time (I was under a lot of stress, major depressive episode etc), but the handwashing was caused both by stress and my OCD tendencies. From what it sounds.it is very similar for you as this issue seems to be causing you great distress. As well as your problems with Uni. I have said this before, and I will.say it again, they are being extremely unreasonable, have no right to.threaten you.

[Steel Maiden]

Quote:

Originally Posted by witchy.

Hey there.

I'm sorry you're really struggling with this, and that others don't seem to understand how this issue is affecting you.

Have you sent the letter or are you planning to send it?

Have you been diagnosed with OCD? Did your psychiatrist say why she won't put you on OCD meds. Do the meds have any side effects that might affect you?

Sorry for asking a lot of questions. I know this is a major concern for you, but your intellect hasn't been damaged, otherwise you wouldn't have been able to:
A. Write coherently;
B. Think about the possible long term effects of your migraines.
C. Think of a.possible cause( OCD) and solution ( meds) to your problem.

I have had the same handwashing problem. I don't.remember much from that time (I was under a lot of stress, major depressive episode etc), but the handwashing was caused both by stress and my OCD tendencies. From what it sounds.it is very similar for you as this issue seems to be causing you great distress. As well as your problems with Uni. I have said this before, and I will.say it again, they are being extremely unreasonable, have no right to.threaten you.

Hi. I have official diagnoses of OCD, Schizophrenia and Autism Spectrum Disorder. I'm on Gabapentin for Chronic Migraines.

I have tried Sertraline and Clomipramine for OCD, and, in the past, Fluoxetine and Citalopram for depressive-type symptoms in relation to schizophrenia (negative symptoms and low mood mixed together in reaction to distress of persistent positive symptoms).

I actually reported multiple side-effects from antidepressants to my psychiatrist in the past. So perhaps that is a factor. Also my psychiatrist, who used to prescribe me multiple medications, is now preferring a minimalist approach to my medication. So I'm on 25mg Olanzapine alone. She was telling me about some research she had read about polypharmacy being an adverse option. However polypharmacy has helped me in the past, and I've read research that it can, in certain circumstances, help.

Thank you for that reasoning. I know logically that I may be ok intelligence-wise, but OCD is, by nature, irrational loops of worry. CBT didn't really work for me as I am not good with abstract concepts due to ASD. I've read research that says that people with ASD need modifications to CBT as autistics struggle with certain ways of thinking.

Sorry to hear you struggled / struggle with OCD symptoms.

I agree, the university are being extremely unreasonable. I will go as far as legal advice if they continue to mess me about.

[talaiporia]

I can sympathise with your fears (I worry too) and I think it's because, like you, I feel that my intelligence is the only (positive) thing I have. But there are so many more qualities that make us special, and make us human.

Intelligence isn't a transient thing, and it won't just disappear. Sometimes medications can be sedating or cause a mind fog or cognitive issues, but these are almost always temporary. There are very, very few, things, short of a head injury or trauma or stroke or something, that affect intelligence and you are probably the smartest person I know.

Are you experiencing clear cognitive issues at the moment, or are these worries fears for future?

You say you can't cope with CBT and abstract concepts, but OCD isnt rooted in logical thinking - by nature, these illnesses aren't logical. Are you able to manage ocd thoughts with logical thinking like a list of all possible outcomes with likelihoods?

Where are things at with uni? I've had a pretty hit-and-miss time with different unis and different courses, and sometimes it's little things that can make a big difference. What would make a big difference wiht the uni?

[Ballerina123]

Can you take the research you found to your psychiatrist about taking many medications at once and explain to her why it wound help you?

[Steel Maiden]

Thank you both.

Yes I do need to remind myself of the logic: intelligence doesn't just go (bar traumatic head injury or a cerebrovascular incident, which I know I have neither of).

Fears for the future as well, as I want to lead an academic life.

That's a good idea. I'm going to write down a list of my fears and logical reasons as to why they're irrational fears. I dislike illogical behaviour, hence my OCD is my enemy.

Uni - they're arranging a meeting with me, my support worker, disability services, my (crap) tutor and the Dean of Student Welfare (which I think is a misnomer). This is to agree what should be done. Thankfully my support worker, my dad, my mental health team and C are fighting for me to stay in. We argue that the uni didn't make reasonable adjustments last year and that's why I struggled so much. I didn't get a support worker due to inefficiencies in the system.

I'll try with taking research. But my psych is set in her ways it seems. I have composed a letter for her.

[talaiporia]

It's something that's worth remembering, because you can use your (very superior!) logic to counter these irrational thoughts. Intelligence doesn't just go, and you are just as intelligent, whatever happens at uni. Exam results are a terrible measure of brains; I've failed two of my three degrees, but got a First on the other (that was sandwiched in the middle).

I hope the big meeting goes well. The Dean of Student Welfare sounds like a crappy title anyway. At least you have a lot of people on your side.

Do you find your psych helpful? If not, it could be worth changing.

[Epicene]

Sophia was full of wisdom, and I don't have much to add as she was so comprehensive! I just wanted to say that I can empathise. I know that in the depths of ill health it can seem as though everything is slipping away from you, and that medication side effects 'slow' us down, which can make us feel that we are not performing at our best. I often panic that the longer I stay out of work or study, the less I'll hold onto my academic ability, but I'm beginning to realise it's not that black and white. Sometimes I'll open up an old textbook and find I do remember and understand thing, to remind myself that it's not like I'll suddenly find my brain wiped out one morning! Also, accepting that I need to be on meds right now is helpful for me. I may not be in the future, but irrespective of all that, right now I accept that drugs and sedation is more helpful for any future I may have, than being without them and probably struggling with my mind even more! I hope you find a way of rationalising things in a way that works for you and that your doctor gets their act together.

[Steel Maiden]

Thank you both.

My logic has returned. My mood is levelling.

Gabapentin can cause low mood and anxiety (surprising as it is sometimes used off-label of anxiety!), so that could have been a factor in that emotional distress.

I will keep reminding myself of what you said about intelligence not just disappearing (except in the case of traumatic brain injury or stroke, but I have neither).

I see things in black and white all too often. Grey areas are so ambiguous that they disorient me.

I will keep exercising my brain so as to retain acuity.

I have a block on biochemistry and immunology but I've been training my concentration which has helped a bit.

Yes definitely, without meds I (and many others on meds for mental health) wouldn't be able to do anything useful.

Dean of Student Welfare......I have this image of a snobbish woman who only cares about statistics and is very patronising.....lol.

As for my psych, I'm seeing her this morning. Will update with the outcome. She's generally a good doctor but she can underestimate the problem at times.

Thanks all.

[talaiporia]

I'm glad to hear that you are feeling better. :)
Your image is consistent with my image of said Lady. :p

How did things go?

[Steel Maiden]

I've had "welfare" people deal with me before in other situations and they've mostly been crap.

My psych was very helpful. We discussed intelligence and the theories it and how it's more than an IQ number, it's a wide variety of different "zones".

Logic is good. I'm using it now. This morning I had a meltdown though, because of not being able to focus on uni reading. Conclusion: use a different textbook, this one is annoying.

I've got to remind myself that I'm more than an IQ number, that if I stay logical all the time, that is more admirable than getting high marks. And if I stay logical, my life will be easier.

[talaiporia]

I'm glad he helped. Logic is always good. :) I've freaked out before when I've not being able to solve a maths problem (once at school I panicked so much I passed out and got sent home!) but I find that it helps to take a break and do something different, a different question perhaps - and I use this if I start panicking and get a mental block in exams.

[Steel Maiden]

Thanks. That is very good advice.

"Taking a step back" is what my mum calls it. It makes a lot of sense, what you said about coming back to it later.


I get very obsessed about revision often, to the point that if I stand up to have a break, I end up sitting down straight away and forcing myself to continue. I call it "being stuck".

I'm not sure how I can convince my brain that breaks are good though. I get so obsessed.

[talaiporia]

I think being stuck is understandable and something that's reasonably common. If I feel stuck, I find it helpful to plug my iPod in loudly and then go for a walk, or go to Starbucks, because I find that calming. I think when you're stuck you need to get out of the situation.

I'm sure you've read lots of studies about how attention/retention of infromation, massively drop the longer you study (some people think you should only revise in 20 min bursts).

[Steel Maiden]

True. I've been more brave about going out for walks / going to the park and taking photos lately.

Yes I have read about how studying should be no longer than 50-60 minutes in one go. I will apply that strictly.

After collecting all advice together, I have decided to do practise essays as a revision aid.

[talaiporia]

That's good to hear.
And yes, certainly any more than that and you'd be retaining very little.
Practice essays are certainly good practice. I find it helpful to 'consolidate' my notes. So I take 20 pages, and re-write them more conscisely (only rewriting things that I don't know and are important) so I have 6 pages then 2 pages, then 1 page.

[Steel Maiden]

Thanks.

I have coordination problems that make writing and typing hard but I find that typing is a bit easier.

I get extra time in exams because even typing is hard. So I allow myself longer to type essays.

But studying I keep to 50 minutes now.

I'm actually learning to like biochemistry and have found myself researching it in my spare time.

[talaiporia]

When is the meeting with uni?

[Steel Maiden]

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaiporia

When is the meeting with uni?

8 September.

[talaiporia]

Good luck. :)