lost in dark thoughts, locked in a "broken" body

[xXx Kara xXx]

recently I've realized that I'm coming to a place where I need help again. This is the site that helped me the most at the beginning of my recovery from self harm last year when I decided to stop cutting, but now, in a place worse than I was then I am struggling again and I don't know what to do...

School is about to start again and I'm probably about to resign from my 2nd job so I only have to work one during the year because I currently keep having severe panic attacks at just the thought of having to go to this job even though I've worked there over a month. This anxiety is eating my from the inside out all the time, I've become paranoid and panic at the slightest thing. I hate it, and I hate myself for not being able to stop it.

I have progressed to full blown "severe" Tourettes Syndrome (a neurological disorder that causes involuntary movements and vocalizations) along with 3 different kinds of seizures, daily panic attacks that could last for hours, and now I am currently doing battle with a budding eating disorder, I still haven't resorted to cutting... not to say I haven't wanted to, but I haven't. I don't want to go back there after a year in recovery.

I hate myself, for not being able to control my own body in the midst of a seizure, for shouting out random (sometimes offensive) things due to my Tourettes, and for knowing that I am seriously under weight and still being unable to think anything but "fat" when I see myself in a mirror...

I guess I am just so afraid of falling back into the dark place I was in just last year when I was ready to kill myself at a moments notice. Now I just don't want to fall back down and feel like everything up this point, the long road of recovery I traversed was all for nothing.

please if anyone has any encouraging words, or would be willing to just talk, comment or pm me, I would appreciate it, especially if you've been in any way where I am now. I tried to go on chat to just distract myself, but apparently chat is just as scary as a regular conversation for me, I couldn't make myself even say hello :(

[bitomato]

First of all good for you for hanging in there. You are in a bit of a challenging transition stage going back to school and that is going to understandably feel intimidating. I think you should check with your mental health team that you are fit enough to be going back to school- working 1 let alone 2 jobs.

You have done really amazingly, and I think that as frustrating as things are, you just need to know which direction you want to go- ask for help from family, friends, University, work, health professionals- and give yourself permission to be stressed. Symptoms become more heightened at this stage.

Is it possible to go to University part time and keep your jobs? What do you need to feel good about life- studying and working- paying bills or focusing on a career? Will you miss this job you are going to quit? Are you supported at either of your workplaces?

I had a support worker at university and that made such a difference from remembering to fill my prescriptions to going to exercise to just not being isolated because my classmates did not know anything was wrong with me. Your vocalizations and gestures may make your challenges more visible, but it doesn't make your situation less important.

Ask for help from early. Look for support and accept it. It is available- it may just be a bit of a slog putting it in place. You deserve to feel safe and happy. Hugs