seems kinda hopeless

[mocha]

Hi. So I get kinda nervous before posting stuff but whatever. I'm starting to think I can't get better feels like when I try something still happens and I feel worse my ed is really loud and had a horrible night having to eat too much after already eating really well (I even ate dessert!!! which is huge for me) and that makes me feel like I have to cut. nobody really sees that its that hard or just say do it like its really easy so I try to and i never say anything. I'm like sad and pathetic lol I have no friends at school anymore and I just obsess about stuff all the time and talk t myself. I cut a lot today everywhere I went I snuck into the bathroom and usually I feel kinda better or less like ripping off my fat and skin but I don't and I guess I want like one place or someone who can understand. I cut too much i think kinda getting hard to hide which I hate. I hate that I ate and hate that I cut its disgusting and I want it to stop. I keep getting these nightmares and can't sleep so I'm like writing here so maybe someone can help idk. Sorry I get carried away when I start writing stuff :/ idk what to say I just want my ed to shut up and stop yelling and telling me im failing and telling me to cut :/ seems hopeless now

[Jordan Leigh]

Hi Mocha,

I totally understand where you're at. I understand hating yourself for the fat you have and the calories you take in. And I know what it's like to not be able to go a day with cutting. It's an extremely difficult battle but I assure you it's not hopeless. Recovery is not like a straight staircase leading up. You don't get better and better every day. You get better overtime as you get stronger but the path is full of twists and set-backs. It sounds like you're in a very difficult place right now and that's a reasonable place to be in recovery. It won't last forever. Make sure you are talking to both your therapist and doctor about this. Sometimes medication adjustments can be helpful. Good luck and great job on the dessert.

[mocha]

Thanks Jordan. I guess it feels better to know that it's something even if I still hate it every time I eat at least I'm eating! I hope I don't always feel like this. I don't have a therapist just a nutritionist and yeah doctor and my foster parents also make sure I'm eating. It just doesn't feel like I will ever be able to eat ANYTHING without this horrible feeling . I hope maybe like eventually it does. Hope ur recovery is going well too and u can beat this

[Jordan Leigh]

I thought the same thing in my younger, anorexia stages but now that I'm further along I can eat normally and challenge myself without it destroying my day or making me self-injure. it gets better with time, trust me, but only if you dedicate some energy into recovery and I also would definitely get a therapist if possible. .

[mocha]

thanks. I hope it gets better. is it easier for now? my foster parents were talking about seeing a counselor so im kind of scared but im trying to just not think about everything so much.

[wi-nter]

hi mocha,

i know how you feel and i am in the same place right now so i am not sure i can give advice but i hope you feel better soon and the counselor can help. if you ever need anyone to talk to just pm me <3

[mocha]

I hope you feel better too winter and thanks.

[mocha]

hi so lately a lot of stuff has happened and everything just seems to be getting worse but the past few days no matter what I feel like I have cut but it's kind of scaring me now cuz recently when I cut I have to keep cutting until it really hurts and not just hurt in a nice way but until it really hurts idk why but it just feels like I have to and I deserve it. It's just it's scary cuz I really don't want anyone to find out but I have to cut deeper now or on top of other cuts that haven't healed it's almost like someone or something else is telling me too and I have to listen. I already messed up my body and some cuts still hurt but I'm scared to look at them cuz it grosses me out to look after its done. Anyways I just really don't know what to do anymore :( I really want to stop and my plan was to stop this summer before I have to start high school but I just don't think it's even possible anymore. I don't know if it even really matters anymore anyways I'm already disgusting and everyone already hates me from school :( I just want everything to stop and I want everyone to be ok and everything to just be ok but it won't it's like it can't and I don't know what to do anymore :(

[wi-nter]

that is a difficult tim eto be in and changes can be super scary. maybe you can think of starting high school as something like starting over. there will be new people and new things to do that can maybe take your mind off things. maybe there are some clubs or teams you would like to join where the people share your love for something specific.
i know what it feels like to feel disgusting all the time and hating yourself and those are dark thoughts that sometimes just won't go away. can you talk about someone about your anxiety and fear to start high school? i am sure there are plenty of people that understand. in the past i have felt that talking to people about my fear helps me.

stay strong<3

[mocha]

well I talk to some people here that's about it. I don't have any friends irl anymore :( I really hope peeps start to forget stuff and just leave me alone by the time high school starts and it will be different than middle school. I hope I can be different by then and act more normal and everything.

[mocha]

I am supposed to see a therapist I know like my foster parents are setting it up and talked w my social worker stuff. I was really nervous before but now I guess I don't really care as much. I feel bad having so many problems and having like my foster parents and people trying to help when my sister has no one and she needs even more help then me now :( I want to help her so much I just don't know how I can't even see her. It's like even the strong people are breaking and can't stand to be here anymore. I just really don't want her tot hurt and I'm like complaining about stupid **** like people not liking me from school or something when it doesn't really matter when she is actually having real problems and it' like nobody wants to help it's not right I mean even my foster parent's why won't they help me why can't they help her. It's just not fair really and it's like I can't even do anything about it. I get what you mean about the mind and brain thing but right now I honestly don't even deserve to eat it's not supposed to be in my body it's like it's not allowed to build up in me and if I let it I'm just even more weak and disgusting and gaining is like failing at everything and loosing everything which sounds stupid but really is true and I just don't know what to do anymore everything is really bad and it's like it doesn't matter I mean I'm bad but like my sister is worse and nobody cares about her or wants to help her and she deserves it way more than me and I wouldn't even be here probably or be ok if it wasn't for her and everyone just keeps acting like everything is fine and normal but it's not and I don't understand why nobody will help her :(

[mocha]

sorry that was really long and kinda off topic or idk just when I start writing I can't stop sorry it's so long and sounds all whiny and stuff and thanks everyone for being like nice and supportive sorry if I'm like not so supportive to other peeps now :/

[wi-nter]

i'm struggling to find words right now
but maybe you can think about your sister and think that she NEEDS you. that you have each other and that because she is feeling down at the moment you can be the person to help her out of that. my mom is really sick too so i know she needs all the support she can get and i know i am not feeling too well lately im trying not to add that burden to her. maybe you can support your sister and by distracting her, distract yourself. can you talk to your social worker about your sister? or anyone?

[mocha]

I'm really sorry about your mom and I hope that she's gonna be ok. I can't see my sister now and she doesn't live w me she's in the hospital now and I don't know what to do I just really want to see her. It's just like I don't understand why it's like this. I really wish she could just come live w us here but I know that isn't going to happen I just don't want anything bad to happen to her or her to try to do that again or anything it's just she's my big sister and I need her to be ok and I want to help but I feel like I can't or I'm not and I don't know how and I should know how and I wish other people cared about her too cuz they should and I just really want her to be ok that's all :(

[mocha]

yeah your right I should try and harder and stuff so I can be good for her and everything. I'm gonna try I just keep failing. I have to try harder to be better and not like this and figure out a way to help. thanks

[wi-nter]

you can do it! hope you are feeling better x