Advice?!

[Nayy]

I don't know why I'm writing this... For advice, support or just to rant?!

I'm in a really confused place, not knowing where to turn. I just feel like there is no hope in life.
In the past year, I've really struggled failed last year of Uni training to be a nurse. Had 4 acute mh admissions in 10 mths, two of these on section 2. Two 136's and two sec 5.4's! Countless admissions to general hospital for od's, self harm and low pot.
Got off my less section 12days ago, having only been held in the mh ward on it for 18hrs. At times the drs just seem to believe me and let me go! (Which is what anyone ultimately wants but I have spoken to my cc about this when I've been well telling him due to my insight of health systems I know what to say).
I have done a 12week intro into mbt, and really struggled with it, though had been waiting 18mths for it. Now we are not sure if it is the right option for me! My cc is a dbt therapist and he said this defo wouldnt be the right choice for me.
Got a big review on the 4th with psych, cc, and two of the mbt team about my options. My cc is mentioning the cassel as option but says this will take up loads of his time! Now I feel guilty if I accept this option.
I have remained in my uni town as my treatment team are really specialised and supportive most of the time, back "home" they aren't great and there is no specialist service, my previous psychologist would sit in front of me asking if I thought she was fat!!! Mum is putting pressure on me to return home but she doesn't understand my worry over treatment. To be fair she has been paying for me as I can't face the paper work of benefits, and I feel guilty of claiming.
It's unbearable being home at the moment, parents are controlling ocd is bad here!
Parents think I can just be cured with meds! Mum started asking today what happened to me to turn out like this *awkward*. Told her I stopped taking meds back in March!
I'm now thinking I need to get stable back in hospital. But I don't want to ask for help. Hate crisis team. And previous admissions haven't been helpful. Cc is on leave for a week and I'm stuck with my mum!
Any advice words of wisdom would be gratefully received
Nayy

[Pi.R^2]

Sorry to hear that you're having such a challenging time at the moment.

Why do you think you need to get stable back in hospital? I'm just surprised that you said that, when you also said that previous admissions haven't been helpful. What led to stopping your meds?

In terms of the paper work for benefits, could you ask your CC to help you fill them in? Or to be referred to a social worker, who can help with those kinds of things. And on the guilt point, as long as you are 100% honest on the forms, then if you get accepted for the benefits, it means you are entitled to them, and have no reason to feel guilty. And besides, would much prefer my taxes went on supporting you to get back on your feet than on paying Michael Gove to piss on the education system, so please don't feel guilty! I know it'll be a major faf filling them in, but being more financially secure could be a big weight off your mind, as you wouldn't have to feel pressured into moving back home, as you would be more able to support yourself.

[sherlock holmes]

I don't understand why your cc told you that he would have lots of work if you went to the cassel? Typically your psychiatrist would write the referral and then the cassel would assess you and if you were admitted they would take over your care for the period you were there. They would probably invite your psychiatrist and care co-ordinator to a CPA meeting once a month but beyond that I don't think your cc would have lots of extra work.

Don't feel guilty about the option of going to the cassel, if it's been made available to you then please seriously consider going and having the assessment. From what you have written it sounds like a good option for you right now. Acute wards do not offer intensive therapy and are only really a good short term option to keep you safe. Somewhere like the cassel will help you to develop the skills you need to recover and stay well long term without revolving door admissions to the psych ward.

[Nayy]

Hi,

Thanks for the replies.
The reason why I said get stable back in hospital is because I have had a previous good experience at huntercombe roehampton. At the time it was horrible but looking back I realise how they managed to secure my safety and calm me down. I know it is very unlikely I would ever get sent there again. The local units aren't good and the last psych on the ward I was on even said they couldn't keep me safe!! My cc is happy to keep me in community at a high risk even with what I am doing to myself, which I have been trying to be really honest about. I can't say what because of rules.
With the benefits I just dnt feel I deserve them. I'm just of the attitude there are people worse off than me. My ocd makes it really hard to sit down and fill them in too. Cc has said he may be able to get someone to help me but it was mentioned once and never spoke about it again. I'm not the best at fighting for getting what I need, apart from when it comes to getting out of hospital I have become a bit of a pro!
My cc does say some weird stuff to me at times. Back in jan he said he couldn't understand why I was ready to give up as I basically wasn't old, hadn't tried every single med invented, and done years of therapy. But that just concreted my thoughts further that I had tried as I had been in services over half my life!
With regards to cassel he just thinks it will take up his time doing referrals and trying to get funding. Just makes me feel guilty. I am starting to think cassel is what I need, but I'm scared of admitting it to him! Generally he is brill, and I trust him but now I just feel bad about the whole thing.
Does anyone know how cassel manages risk? My s/h is bad at the mo and because of the thing I can't mention I'm worried they won't accept me.
Thanks nayy

[Foxtrot Oscar]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nayy

Does anyone know how cassel manages risk? My s/h is bad at the mo and because of the thing I can't mention I'm worried they won't accept me.
Thanks nayy

In sum, they emphasise personal responsibility. If your self harm was becoming more 'extensive' they may ask you to take a break from the community or potentially discharge you.

[Nayy]

Oh ok. It's kind of hard to know what to do... I doubt they will accept me with what I am/have been doing. Now just thinking that nothing will work! Life is pointless and getting help is pointless if it doesn't work or you get rejected. What hope is there in this world?

[Ballerina123]

Just wanna say I have a very similar story to you. I'm training to be a nurse and i've was sectioned 5 times in my first year. So i have an understanding of what your going through. So if you need to talk im here.

[sherlock holmes]

I was at a similar place to the cassel. When I was assessed I was harming myself in a way that they said they absolutely would NOT accept at the unit and encouraged me to stop doing it in the few months before my admission.

I did it once on the unit and they sent me home for a week of reflective leave to think about things. Basically they give the responsibility back to you, you're able to harm yourself if you wish, but if you harm yourself in ways they've told you not to then you will probably be sent home for a while.

For example everyone at my unit had the same rules- we were "allowed" to cut ourselves, overdose etc as long as we tried before it happened to talk to the staff and do as much as possible to minimise harm. Then once we'd self harmed we had to seek treatment from the nurses and if needed go to A&E. It was non-negotiable. But certain methods of self harm were outright banned as the potential of death was too high.

But actually I found the rules extremely helpful. It made me think about my self harm and if I *really* needed to do it. Talking about my urges with the staff was good, and the fact that they gave the responsibility back to me to keep me safe was the best thing I needed.

It actually enabled all of us, some people were self harming extremely severely, to reduce our self harm and to learn how to cope with the urges.

So don't write the cassel off just because you've been told you're high risk. Let them assess you, and let them make suggestions. If they say "we will agree to admit you as long as you stop doing X method of self harm" then actually that's not impossible. At the end of the day you will need to take responsibility for yourself at some point, you can't be looked after in acute wards forever, and an admission to somewhere like the cassel will really give you the skills you need to learn to deal with your emotions and self harm in a setting that's much closer to real life.

My friend from my unit was admitted directly from a secure unit where she was sectioned and on 1:1. She was obviously high risk but really wanted to come to the unit where it was open (not secure) and she actually managed extremely well having responsibility handed back to her.

[Ballerina123]

My best friend went to the case and she said it was the best thing she ever did and if she was offered the chance again she would snap it up. It has really changed her and she now no longer fits the diagnostic criteria for a PD.