Anxiety/OCD/depression. TW

[CasperTheGhost]

Today has been really shitty.

I had an unexpected tutorial. A tutorial is speaking to your tutor OR progress coach about how college is going and how the work is going as we have lots. (I've never spoken to my progress coach)

I had them both rip into me about my anxiety. They made me feel like my anxiety isn't bad enough to be a problem, that because I attended 4/5 days I make it up to get out of coming in Fridays. They've made me feel like I've been ganged upon and slaughtered. I've been threatened to be removed off the course because of it even though I got a B in my last assignment and my attendance on placement is 100% and my college isn't too bad either.

Background:
Basically I go to college studying childcare level 3; we are at college every other week and the weeks we're not at college we're at placement. Every Friday, whether we're at placement or college we have to go for 1.5 hours for maths and English. We don't get a grade or mark for the maths and English we're doing but I've already got all my English and math qualifications. We have 5 weeks left and they have only just mentioned it.

It is mentally exhausting trying to control my anxiety/OCD/depression. I'm not sleeping at night either so I'm physically and mentally so run down. When it is really bad I skip college but I think I've done really well. It takes up so much energy taking 4 buses per day and 3 hours of travelling for 1.5 hours of sitting in front of a computer not doing anything so I don't feel it's worth it.

If I had a broken leg then they would understand and compensate so why don't they with me just because they can't physically see it.

I've seen physiologist, therapists, hypnotherapists, councillors. My mum has paid lots of money out for my mental health to try and 'fix' me. I've been speaking to a specialist of some kind for 4 years. I'm not faking this to get out of one day, I wish I was. I wish it was all fake and I didn't have all these problems.

I haven't been formally diagnosed with OCD or depression because I've said I don't want any more labels and don't open up with my councillor, she made a joke about SH and that was any hope of that happening gone. All of them have commented that they think I have it and done questionnaire type things to see how severe it was incase it was that bad they needed to intervene but NO ONE knows I used to SH or that I've written suicide notes and planned my suicide before, obviously I didn't comment suicide otherwise I wouldn't be here.

They have made me feel like a fake and made me want/need to relapse. I don't know if I will make tonight without relapsing. I'm 9 months clean and I've never been so close to relapsing.

Sorry for this being so long and that if it didn't make sense I just needed to let it out.

[CasperTheGhost]

I have all my qualifications and it wasn't on the course when I signed up for it. Not everyone does the maths and English either and they have evidence. I see a councillor at college, I have letters from Psycologist's and hospitals. A woman who I've seen who is in charge of the councillor team type thing is emailing the tutors about changing it so I have in on a Wednesday when I'm in college so I have the Friday off. I understand them asking or mentioning my attendance but what I didn't understand why it took both of them and then they sat there and ripped me down and tried telling me I'm a fake even though they have evidence. My councillor has spoke to one of the said tutors before about it, they've made alterations for me in the past because she's asked. Other people don't always turn up on the Fridays and they didn't both sit there and tare them down.

[CasperTheGhost]

I know they haven't confronted the other students because I heard them ask another student about their attendance on the maths/English and then they moved on, also I asked other students.

They told me they think I am making it up to just get out of going in Fridays. That is not the case, many people who I know who have anxiety find it exhausting also. I have had days off due to my anxiety and left college mid lesson because of it which they know about.

I was ripped down by two staff members and made me feel like ****. They tried telling me that my anxiety isn't bad enough.

The two tutors said that if I couldn't go in on Friday's then I should fix a meeting with the woman who I've spoken too, which went to speak to her straight after and she is in talk about changing it. I am not refusing to do the unnecessary work, I am willing to compromise. The woman is trying to fix it so that I stay behind on Wednesdays and have a one to one lesson instead of coming in Fridays. I haven't been in the Friday just gone and I'm not at college next week and the week after we have a week off so when I do go back to college I will go back and see the woman and see if she's managed to change things.

Next year college is supposed to be 4 days a week with the maths/English intertwined with our main course.

[Snow White.]

I'm sorry this happened to you but I'm afraid I'm not really following what happened. Is it that you've missed a class day on Friday because of anxiety and for that they want to kick you off the course?

How do you feel about the Wednesday compromise? It sounds like the lady organizing that sounds as though she is supportive as she's trying to help you come up with solutions.

[CasperTheGhost]

I have missed a few classes on a Friday because of my anxiety and that is why they are threatening to kick me off my course. I have missed other classes but not as frequent so they don't care about that.

I'm fine with the Wednesday compromise, I'm glad that woman is trying to change it for me I just hope it goes as planned.

[Snow White.]

Okay I understand now that's for clarifying. I hope the plan works out too. It's unfair for then to kick you off thecourse for missing these classes because of your anxiety so I hope the plan works. I had missed a lot of classes due to anxiety as well and I had to resit the class the next year (because I missed core information) but a doctors note helped them to sort it out so maybe in a worst case scenario you could see a doctor.

[CasperTheGhost]

I've already seen doctors and at college I see a councillor for my anxiety, who I they know about, it's not that I don't do th work. Even if I miss the class I do the work at home, all my work is handed in on time and my last assignment I got a B in. There's only 5 weeks left of college so I hope they don't kick me off as next year is my last year in education and the course is going down to 4 days anyways