Conflicted

[Cacoethes]

So I was discharged from hospital today after a short stay.
I discharged myself from the CMHT in early March because I was feeling totally fine and there's really nothing they can do for me any more. I've tried all the therapy, all the meds...

My GP has been wanting to refer me back to the CMHT for a while, so have the crisis team and now the psychiatrists on the ward thinks it's a good idea too.

I get why they think it's a good idea, but I'm not sure.

I don't really get listened to in general and a lot of what I say is either ignored or dismissed as me making it up or whatever, which is frustrating and doesn't help anyone.

There isn't anything they can do anyway. I did say this in the cpa today. Again, they were pushing DBT and quetiapine even though I've explained countless times that I did not get on with DBT (it doesn't work for everyone!) and I'm not sure why they keep suggesting quetiapine because I'm not psychotic. (Quasi-psychotic apparently!)

So yeah, I'm really not sure what to do. I don't want to be trapped under services again, especially if there's nothing they can do. When I was under them before, we would have the same conversations every week, regardless of what had happened in that week.

Just need help organising my thoughts on this I suppose

[Wanderingsprite]

Have you told them that they ignore or dismiss what you say? I can understand why you don't want to do DBT again as it didn't help, but would you see it in a different way now as you have been out of hospital for the majority of year and half (i think that's how long you have been out!)?

I guess if you did go under them, I suggest you could only see them when you are in crisis, even if it's just once a month? So you don't feel trapped by them.

By the way you don't have to be psychotic to be on Quetiapine... :D unless they told you specifically that's why they are givinf that to you?

[tiptoes]

I understand your frustrations, at times I get fed up with going through the drudgery of meeting my CC. If things are going well though he is happy for there to be a few weeks between appointments which helps. Would it be possible to be under the CMHT but with minimal input? Monthly appointments/fortnightly check in phone calls or something like that?

Quetiapine can also be used as a mood stabiliser and antidepressant so it might be worth not completely dismissing it as a no no because its an antipsychotic.

[Cacoethes]

Thanks Wanderingsprite x

I have brought it up with them. They generally just make a 'mmhhmm' sound or say 'that must be difficult' and change the subject.

Yes, it's been a year and 8 months. I got a DBT workbook that my old CPN recommended, I did do some of the exercises but I just found it so ridiculous.

I talked to the psych today briefly about my diagnosis and I explained that the only 'symptoms' of bpd I suffer with now are impulsiveness and self harm (although the majority of my self harm is the result of instructions) and I said I don't really have the emotional problems that come with it, like the feelings of emptiness and attachment issues etc.
She did agree and told me that I've probably 'grown out' of most of the symptoms.

She didn't mention it specifically, but the recommendation for quetiapine came after our first discussion about the spirits/others etc.
So I assumed it has something to do with that.

Sarah, I suppose it is possible to only see them occasionally. I forget that sometimes as I always had to see them weekly for some reason and haven't really known any different.

I've been on quetiapine twice before, once when I was 14 and then again when I was 19. I can't actually remember how well it worked! The lamotrigine tends to work well for me as a mood stabiliser anyway.

[Moth.]

If you can't remember how well it worked, surely it's worth a try again? If nothing else then to just prove the cmht/mh professionals wrong?

[Cacoethes]

How would it be proving them wrong?

The weight gain that came with quetiapine is a major reason for not taking it tbh. It's taken 3 years off those kind of meds to get to a healthy weight and I really don't want to have to deal with that again.

[Moth.]

Because if the spirits aren't psychosis, the Q won't have any effect on them.

A healthy diet can manage that though

[Cacoethes]

They don't think it's psychosis anyway. Well, whatever quasi-psychosis is, apparently I have that. What even is that?!
So it wouldn't really be proving anything.

I suppose so. And being in hospital all that time probably didn't help.

[Moth.]

My understanding is that quasi-psychosis is 'a brief mild form of psychotic thinking and perceiving that the symptoms would fall short of a clinical diagnosis of psychosis. '

It's also a symptom of schizotypal disorder

[Cacoethes]

Interesting. I wonder how they can differentiate between a brief form and full on psychosis? How would they be able to tell unless they monitored someone constantly for a while? Just curious!

I did tell her I didn't have any form of psychosis. But because I told her about my experiences with the spirits/others and Joanna, then I must think it's some form of psychosis.
Psychiatrist logic.

She kept asking me what I thought was wrong with me and I have no idea! I'm not a doctor.
But being in the hospital for the last week kind of goes to show that they really don't listen that much.
Like when I had a bit of an 'episode' and had to be sedated the other night, hadn't slept for nearly 2 whole days and not tired etc. it was not mentioned by the doctors and when I brought it up, they just made the 'mmhhhmm' sound and moved on. I really thought something was wrong that night and it was seriously scary, scary enough for the staff to consider calling the police because I wasn't calming down.

[when.will.it.end]

Given how much contact you've had with services recently anyway would it really make much of a difference being under Cmht again? Doesn't it make more sense to have regular help that could prevent the extremes and hospital admissions and what not? And you can always just discharge yourself again.

[Cacoethes]

Seems like it would. Like if I had to go through occupational health for a job I'm worried the psychiatrist would say I'm not allowed to work again.
And I don't like the feeling of being 'monitored' and I'm scared they will start to poison me again.

It took months to persuade them to discharge me and I'm not sure if it would be so easy next time given what's happened this time.

[Cacoethes]

Thanks Carmen x

Everyone close to me thinks I need to be under the CMHT. :/

I probably wouldn't be as trapped. It just comes from previous experience I suppose and I know that things are very different for me now.

I'm seeing the crisis team tomorrow. I feel like I have to make this decision pretty soon otherwise I'll have to self refer again and it seems like it would be more complicated that way than going through the crisis team.

[Snow White.]

Have you thought of the old Pros and Cons list about cmht?

[Cacoethes]

I've tried to.

Pros

-Less likely that I'll end up in hospital
-Someone to talk to

Cons

-They can't do anything therefore wasting resources
-Difficult to get out of 'the system' again
-Frustrating because
they are narrow minded and see everything as a MH issue
-They might say I can't work

[Snow White.]

If they say you can't work does that mean you can't or is it just a recommendation? Sorry I don't know how it works over there

I know this if a hard timec so making a decision like this isn't helpful. Thinking of you x

[Cacoethes]

If I had a job that required me to pass occupational health, then they would need a letter from my psychiatrist.
Last time, when I was under the cmht, the psychiatrist refused which meant I couldn't pass occupational health, otherwise I'd have a job right now.

Thank you x

Crisis team said they would come in the morning, it is now 3pm! lol
Classic crisis team :P

[sherlock holmes]

But considering you've just been sectioned after dissociating for an unknown period of time and ending up 100 miles from home, do you think it was perhaps the right decision for the psychiatrist to say you weren't well enough to work? You might have been working in the hospital when the dissociation happened and it could potentially have been very dangerous with medical equipment about.

[Cacoethes]

Good point. Although I must have been 'with it' to a point because I bought a train ticket and after checking national rail, I would have had to have changed trains twice.
The psych seemed pretty convinced it was seizure related, which seems a bit far fetched. But then my dissociation has never really been that bad that I've gone somewhere and not known how, well, it has but only things like getting to Tesco and not remembering the walk there.

Crisis team never turned up and after calling them, it seems that no one is coming today. So I've got a bit more time to think about this!