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Contains Suicide - Life is too difficult.....
I often wonder how much more I can take. Some of what goes on in my life is the 'usual' kind of stuff - parents getting older and sicker, son leaving home, dog dying; but other stuff seems like terrible, terrible luck or even fate.
I grew up in a family with a narcissistic father and depressed, strange mother. They have a very volatile relationship and my childhood was punctuated with physical abuse and threats to leave by one or other of my parents. They also had terrible money trouble which has continued to the present.
I grew up with a horrible sense of not being good enough fostered by my very middle class primary school and a keen intellect.
I developed anorexia at 14 after a family holiday during which I was publicly humiliated. This later developed into bulimia after a partial recovery.
I was sexually assaulted during a train journey when I was 17 which I never reported.
My father disappeared for six weeks shortly after my mother recovered from a life threatening illness. He sent me a suicide letter and asked me to look after my mum and sister. He came home two weeks later.
My mother set me on a blind date with a man who was twice my age and we developed a violent, sexually abusive relationship during which I married him despite my doubts and had my son. I finally got the strength to divorce after I met someone else. I found out he was seeing other women so I ended our relationship.
My father left my mother at the same time as I was divorcing and both my parents became suicidal. My father was picked up by the police after walking along the train tracks waiting for a train to hit him.
My mother took several overdoses after he came home and they had ' reconciled'.
I managed to get my (ex) husband convicted of assault.
My divorce took over a year and £18,000 because my (ex) husband fought me over everything. He stole my diaries and had them produced in court as evidence that I was not a fit mother.
I had several breakdowns over a period of years, but always managed to keep my job and carried on working full time as I am now.
I remarried and shortly afterwards my husband started withholding sex and became very controlling.
I was diagnosed with a sudden death syndrome and have endured 13 years of surgeries, medication and lifestyle restrictions ever since. I am also diagnosed with chronic pain, major depressive disorder and generalises anxiety disorder. My therapist also told me that I probably have borderline personality disorder but am highly functional and more or less 'burnt out' i.e. too tired to keep up the overt instability.
My son got into an abusive relationship while at university and ended up suicidal and self harming but seems to have fully recovered.
In the last 12 months I have been bullied at work, my beloved dog was diagnosed with cancer and had to be euthanised, I had another breakdown and had to have more heart surgery, my Dad was diagnosed with bladder cancer and unstable angina (both conditions he had refused treatment for until he was told that his condition is terminal), my second marriage broke down and I moved in with someone else. I barely hear from my son and am now going through my second divorce.
My chronic health problems are ongoing and I am actively suicidal. I have detailed plans and even a date. I have done a lot of research and have thought of joining Dignitas and Exit.
I just think that life is too difficult and too painful. I think that this is a rational decision as I have lost my faith and believe that there is no after life. All I see ahead is more difficulty as I get older and the good things in the world are temporary and do not outweigh the amount of suffering in the world.
I love my new partner but he has major problems too and is unable to support me emotionally.
There are times when I enjoy things, but the despair always returns. I am in touch with Samaritans (who are brilliant) and see my psychiatrist monthly, but all he does is increase doses and add drugs.
I'm looking for some support although I've been away from the forum for several months.
Thanks for reading such a long post.
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